Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I will carry you

I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says…
I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me
To carry you

---

I found this song several months ago from my stillbirth support group site and I know I posted it here before but lately this song has been going through my mind a lot and with the Holidays coming up - it's on constant repeat.

I miss my baby girl so bad that it makes my heart ache and even though I don't understand why she had to die and I never will and I've had my moments where I've been so angry I couldn't breathe, I have to say what I am most thankful and grateful for this Holiday season was the chance to have had her in my life. It was very brief and it did not end the way I imagined it would, but for that brief period of time we were connected in the most special way a parent and child can connect - she was growing inside of me. I'm not saying Adam doesn't love her or any other member of our family but I feel like I had the strongest bond with her and that's why I know I have taken her loss the hardest.

I follow the artist's wife on twitter and she is such a genuinely sweet and caring person. She is pregnant again with their fifth child and she wrote a blog the other day about having a meltdown going through her maternity clothes she wore with her Audrey and all of the emotions she feels carrying another child and I find myself knowing I will feel much of the same way. Any other pregnancy I may have will never be the joyous occasion it should be  - it will be happy, at times, but most of the time I know I will be a certifiable wreck. Until that moment I am holding a live, breathing baby in my arms I won't rest easily and I won't be truly happy.

I don't know if I'll ever be the happy person I was before I lost Audrey. I don't think there is a way to be complete after you've lost a child but I am going to try my hardest. I am going to give it all I've got and hope for the best. I am always going to be afraid but I know if I ever want to hold a precious life in my arms again, I need to move past the hurt and sadness I feel over her death and pray she'll be with me and her little brother or sister and guide us until the end.

So, sweet baby girl.... I'm giving myself to you and I hope and pray you'll be there for me during my next pregnancy, whenever that may be. I also pray you'll be with me during the Holidays as I struggle with missing you. I miss you every day and I think of you constantly. There's not a day that goes by that you're not on my mind and not weighing on my heart. <3




Saturday, November 21, 2009

Adopt an Angel

I was struggling for awhile with the idea of what to do for Audrey for Christmas, to includ her and keep her memory alive in our family. I already know I am having an special ornament made for her to hang on our tree - right next to the ornament we had made for Addie's first Christmas. But, I still felt like I wanted to do more.... and then I found it.

http://angel.jcpenney.com/

I adopted a little girl around Audrey's age and I am buying gifts to donate to her. I don't know her name or anything, just her age and what size she wears for clothes and what kind of toys her parents prefer she have.
I am beyond heart broken that Audrey won't be here for Christmas but at least another little girl can have a good Christmas and be surrounded by the family that loves her.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

I loved you enough to let you go

After six and a half months of waiting, six and a half months of anticipating - the day finally came that Audrey's headstone was placed.

I got the call early Thursday afternoon and I went up later in the evening to see it. I had my Mom and my 3 year old there with me. My Husband had to work but we plan to go see it, just the two of us, this weekend. The stone is truly beautiful and I am so pleased with it. If anyone in the Painesville, OH area needs a stone made for a loved one, I recommend Kotecki Memorials. They are amazing! They did my Angel's stone for free and that was truly the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me.



Thursday, November 12, 2009

Published

My Angel's story has been published online. A lady I met through a stillbirth support group on facebook asked if she could publish Audrey's story on her website dedicated to her Angel, Katelyn Grace. I was very happy and honored to do so. It's hard at times to relive the memories of that day but I hope in some way it can help someone going through the same situation.

http://www.cradledinheaven.com/2009/11/12/baby-audrey/ 

Check it out if you have time!

--
I also have some news from my life to share: I got a new job! I'll start my new job on November 30th. I am so sad to leave my co-workers at my current job. They are the greatest group of people and have truly become like family to me but I found a great job with excellent benefits, excellent pay and the best part is that it cuts my driving time in half! Who can beat that?

I'm trying to fill my days by being busy to stop my mind from thinking how sad I am that Audrey isn't here for the upcoming Holidays. She'd be 2.5 months by now and I am sure would have been the life of the get together's, being passed from family member to family member.

*sigh*

I miss you baby girl!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Six months

Six months, 180 days, 26 weeks....

It's pretty intense when you can pin point the exact day, the exact minute in time when your whole world changed.

That day for me was May 5th, 2009. The time was 10:40 p.m.

That's when my second daughter, the daughter I didn't even know I was having until she was already gone, was born and I said "hello" and "goodbye" to her all in one minute.

I have regrets from the events that happened that day and I guess that is something I'll always have to live with.

I just wish that I could go back and change time. I'd give anything and do anything to have my daughter with me, in my arms instead of buried in the ground, never to know the wonderful family she would have been born into.

I'm absolutely terrified of the one year anniversary coming but I figure, just take it one day at a time. I have six more months to brace myself for it.

I think back to that day and every memory, every feeling still feels so fresh in my head and in my heart. It's been six months and I still have days where I feel like the Doctor just told me "I'm sorry, but there is no heart beat." In that very split second of time that it took him to say those words, my whole world and life as I knew it changed - and it will never be the same again.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I never....

I never heard you, but I hear you.
I never held you, but I feel you.
I never knew you, but I love you...

-------
It's been six months now that Audrey has been gone. Exactly six months ago, life was just how I pictured it would be. I was expecting our second child, we were house hunting, things were amazing.

One split second changed it all. May 5th, 2009 was the day my whole world changed and my world in that split second of time it took the Doctor to tell me her heart was no longer beating was flipped upside down and broken into a million little pieces. I've managed to find a few pieces and put them back together but there's still many pieces I am struggling to find and I'm not sure if I'll ever put myself back together, no matter how much time passes.


I was driving to work and I was thinking about her (which is my usual routine on the way to work) and I was thinking how six months feels like an eternity and then in one split second - I got all panicky thinking that eventually the one year mark will come, two, three, four, five, etc... I am going to have to live the rest of my life without her. 

She's gone and there's no changing it. 

We may have another child some day, I don't know - but that child won't be her. She'll always be missing and my heart will always ache for her. 

I miss that new baby smell, I miss the way a newborn will curl up into a ball and just lay there on your chest for hours and I love their little coo's and giggles. 

My heart aches for that and I feel so empty inside when I think that I'd be experiencing all of that right now if she had lived. She'd be two months old now, maybe three if she came early like her big sister did. 

I've been reading some books that a good friend sent me (thank you - you know who you are!) and they have really opened my eyes and mind and have really given me a lot to think about the last few days. 

I seem to be a jumbled mess right now - I have so many thoughts going through my head and I can't even begin to sort them out to where they make sense.

I'm going to bed. Although I doubt I'll fall asleep, I can't seem to shut my mind off at all these days.