Wednesday, March 24, 2010

I just want some answers

We are quickly approaching the one year anniversary of Audrey's death and delivery and I find myself, now more than ever, trying to find some answers as to why this happened, why she died. My new Doctor is incredible and is really putting forth a huge effort to obtain all of my medical records from the hospital and the Doctor who delivered her. They finally called me today with an update and after that conversation, I'm just left feeling so lost and confused.

I had never been through the agony of losing a child, let alone in the way I did, so I never knew what to do, what to ask, what to say. Now I often tell myself had I known then what I know now, I would have done SO much different. If only I could turn back time...

My new Doctor told me that the records were very hard to get in the first place and now that they have records, they only got partial records and it seems that the records don't all match up. For example: My Doctor who delivered Audrey says I was 21 weeks and yet the hospital says I was 24 weeks and then the papers on Audrey say she was only 18 weeks. I don't understand how there can be such a large difference.
Another thing that has me concerned is the fact that there was never any pathology reports done on her. Nothing. Nada. I just can't fathom how a healthy 22 year old woman loses a baby in the 5th month and they don't even do any testing to find out what caused it. I remember when Audrey was delivered, after I had made the painful decision not to see her, I asked the Doctor where they were taking her and he told me they were taking her to pathology. Now why would they take her there and NOT do any testing?!? I don't understand why, as a medical professional and a parent himself, he didn't pursue this harder, why he didn't do anything to give me an answer as to why I lost my baby.

The nurse at the office I spoke to today told me to ask for my records myself and to make sure I get all the records. I told her how I feel like there is something that is being hidden from me, like there was something wrong all along and the Doctor made the choice not to tell me. She told me she felt the same way at times but she didn't want to speculate and it would be easier to have all of the records so we could hopefully get to the bottom of this.

Just when you think you're doing better, dealing better, something always comes along and throws everything all out of whack again. I often find myself thinking how grateful I am for this new baby but then also I feel guilty because had Audrey lived, this baby wouldn't be a thought in my mind right now. Audrey would be just over 6 months now old and Adam and I had agreed after her, we were most likely done with kids. We decided now with this pregnancy that we are definitely done. I can't do another 9 months of being on constant high alert like I am now.

Something that did bring a little bit of comfort last night was that I finally had my first baby dream. My first dream where I could really see a baby, I held my baby and proudly showed him off to everyone. Yes, I said him. In my dream I had a beautiful, healthy baby boy and I named him Owen. It was so comforting to have that dream because I had them all the time with Addie and in my dreams with her, she was always a girl and I just knew that's what I was having. I never had dreams with Audrey and if I did, I could never see her nor tell what I was having. It was almost like it was my mind's way of telling me that she wasn't meant to be. I always struggled with picturing her as a part of our family in the physical sense of being around everyday and us caring for her.

I'm just a major mess in the head right now. This pregnancy already has my emotions out of whack and now this stuff with my records is just sending them into over drive.