Saturday, September 25, 2010

Take Home Baby

We were told Thursday morning, after Owen's circumcision that we were free to go home once the hospital pediatrician signed off on him leaving. My Doc had done Owen's circ and was in the room fairly early that morning to get Owen and he was circumcised and back in the room by 11. The nurses all told me the hospital pediatrician usually came early in morning or right after lunch. So I expected we'd be going home around 1 pm at the latest.

I was so anxious to get out of there. I just wanted to get home, be with Addie and just be around my things. 

Apparently the hospital doctor got stuck in a meeting and she ended up not coming to see Owen until almost 4pm! To say I was frustrated and annoyed was putting it mildly. When the Doc eventually saw him and came into our room to give him a clean bill of health, we were throwing all of our last minute stuff into bags and waiting for someone to come and transport us downstairs.
When they finally came to get us, I scooped Owen up in my arms and sat down in the wheelchair. I swear I had the biggest grin on my face and as we got closer and closer to the elevators, my eyes started to fill with tears. It was only 16 short months ago that we were in the same situation but with a very different outcome. To finally be taking our baby HOME and not leaving with empty arms, it was such an amazing feeling. 

Adam commented to me later on how good it felt to be signing discharge papers and not arranging a funeral. 

It was truly amazing to hold him in my arms and as we were wheeled through the hospital lobby to our car, tons of people commented and "ooh'd" and "awww'd" over him. One pregnant woman was walking in with someone I assumed to be her Mom, she had her boppy pillow and all of her things with her so I figured she was being sent in for her induction. She and her Mom looked over at Owen and I and her Mom smiled and commented to her "That's going to be you in a few days."

In the world of parents who have experienced a loss like a stillbirth, etc... if the parents eventually have another child, they're often referred to the "rainbow baby" and the "take home baby."
I tell ya, he's definitely been the rainbow at the end of a very dark storm for me.

I remember after Addie was born that I was sad that I wasn't pregnant anymore and I would often tell Adam that I couldn't wait to get pregnant again. I would often reach down and feel my empty tummy and feel sad that there was no longer a baby in there. I'd tell Adam that I felt empty inside. Not empty in an emotional way, just literally empty. When you share your body with another human being for 9 months and you feel their kicks, etc... it's amazing how quickly you get used to that and how long it takes to adjust to having your body back to yourself. 

This time around, I feel SO relieved that I'm not pregnant anymore. I feel content and happy. I don't look at my body or reach down and feel my stomach and feel sad that Owen isn't inside of me anymore. I look down in my arms and I look at my beautiful miracle, my beautiful little boy, and I feel complete. 

For the first time in a long time, I feel whole. Of course my heart will always ache for Audrey and I'll always wonder "why her?" but since life can never provide me those answers, I am learning to accept that and move forward. 

She sent this beautiful little boy to me to give my heart that chance to heal, which is something I wasn't sure I'd ever feel again. 

I finally feel excited for the future, excited for what's to come. 

I have a beautiful family and I am so beyond blessed. 





He is the best 3:30 am wake-up call - EVER!

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Owen Hunter

My beautiful rainbow baby, my handsome and amazing son was born on Tuesday September 21st, 2010. Born at 5:31 p.m., weighing 6 lbs 12 oz and measuring 20 3/4 inches long..

My heart has waited so long for him. I can't even describe the high I still feel knowing he's here, he's alive. I get to take him home. I don't have to leave the hospital with empty arms again.

To say I feel like my heart could explode with happiness is putting it mildly. 
There are NO words for this feeling.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

39 weeks & Thank You!

WOW - My ticker really says 39 weeks. 

I'm really going to the hospital on Tuesday morning to be induced and I imagine before the day is over, I'll have a beautiful baby boy in my arms!!

This is so amazing and just so... unbelievable at times.

I wanted to take the time now to say a huge THANK YOU to all of you who have been there for me during this incredible journey. I honestly did not know if I'd ever be here again and to have had the support of so many wonderful people, it's amazing.

Whenever a woman becomes pregnant, you always imagine the end result being that you'll go to the hospital and give birth and take your beautiful baby home. You never imagine that one day you could wake up, go to the Doctor, and find out that baby you're carrying inside of you, that baby that you're so eagerly looking forward to, is dead. You always think "that kind of stuff happens to other people, not me."

I know I was that person up until May 4th, 2009. I woke up on May 5th, 2009 and my whole world had changed. I went to bed that night (or at least tried to) a completely different person, with this completely different world. 

I've had so many freak out moments and moments of sheer panic and one of the few things that held me together was knowing I had so many wonderful people there for me, cheering me on and offering me their love and support. 

I can't say enough how much each and every one of you mean to me. I wish there was a way to thank you all in person, but since I can't do that.... THANK YOU. I love you all!

Friday, September 17, 2010

Tuesday 9/21

Dear Audrey,

I miss you so much. I can't ever say that enough and nor can I ever express just how badly my heart aches for you. There's not been a day since May 5th, 2009 that I have not thought of you, not had a dream of what our life should be like now... You are the guiding light that has brought so many blessings into my life since the day my world crashed down around me.

This past February, when I learned I was pregnant with your little brother, I knew it was you who sent him into my life and I know it will be you who safely brings him into this world on Tuesday. The Doctor is choosing to induce Mommy because my blood pressure is getting high and he knows how scared Mommy is of something happening. I know it will be you who protects your little brother and safely brings him into Mommy and Daddy's waiting arms. I know it will be you who will be with me every step of the way through my labor and delivery. You are with me always, I know that.

When you died the hospital gave me this gorgeous Angel pin and I proudly have that displayed right above my rear view mirror in my car. I look at that pin every single time I'm in the car. I firmly believe that pin is my good luck charm. You've been there to safely guide me on my travels to work, etc... You've been there to protect your little brother as he travels along with me.

While you cannot physically be there to welcome him into this world with us, you'll be there in my heart as you always are. I also am bringing the little ceramic Angel that was on top of your casket with me as well. I want you to be included in this birth just as your big sister Addison will be included. You are not physically a part of our family as you should be, but we know you're always there, watching over us and keeping us safe.

I love you more than words can say. My heart will always ache for you and there will always be that piece of my heart that hurts over your death but, at the same time, I'm so glad I have you to be the Guardian Angel for our family.

Give us some extra special love and guidance on Tuesday. Mommy, Daddy and Addie will need it.

xoxo

Love you baby girl!

Love forever,

Mommy

Thursday, September 9, 2010

9/9/09

September 9th, 2009 - that was the due date that came on the ultrasound screen when the Doctor did my confirmation ultrasound with Audrey. I thought that day would turn out to be my lucky day, but it looks like life had others plans.

September 9th, 2010 - I'm currently 37 and a half weeks pregnant with Audrey's little brother. I never imagined that 16 months after she died, and on her due date a year later, that I'd be where I am now. I've often thought and wondered during this whole pregnancy of the could've, should've, would've scenarios. Things could've been so much different than they are now, Audrey should've never died and had she lived, she would've been a year old now.

The day she died crushed so many hopes and dreams I had. It's taken a long time, a lot of tears, but I feel more hopeful for the future than I have in a very long time. The day she died took so many things away from me and broke so many pieces of my heart that I wasn't sure would ever get put back together again.

I'll never be the same person I was before she died, but this little boy inside of me has given me hope that I can become a better version of myself. Audrey's been the guiding light that has brought him into my life and brought us this far in my pregnancy. I pray she guides us through the remainder of my pregnancy and through a safe delivery.

I'll miss you and love you forever my sweet daughter. <3