Thursday, June 9, 2011

2 years

It's now been 2 years (and 1 month) since we lost our baby girl.

The last post I wrote was talking about how I couldn't believe it was coming - another anniversary, another year without her.

Life took us on another crazy adventure after I wrote my last post. On April 20th our son, my rainbow, was diagnosed with right coronal craniosynostosis. His right coronal skull suture fused prematurely (most likely at birth) and we were told he would require surgery to fix it. I was a WRECK.

When we lost Audrey and heard the words "there is no heart beat" it felt like all of the air was sucked out of the room and I was struggling to catch my breath. That exact feeling came back to me when the Doctor diagnosed our son.

He had a CT scan 2 weeks later and had an appointment with a plastic surgeon on Audrey's birthday. I tried my hardest to take that as a sign from my Angel that she was going to protect her brother and he would be OK.

The weeks after his diagnosis were the most panic stricken I'd been since Audrey died. I didn't think I'd ever feel that intense pain again in my life and then Owen was diagnosed. He was scheduled for surgery on May 27th. The week of surgery I was beyond being a wreck. I just kept praying, begging, pleading with God and with Audrey to please protect my baby boy.

When the morning of surgery arrived and we had to hand our infant son over to the Nurse to take back to the OR, I lost it. My Husband and I both stood in the room and just sobbed. I leaned up against him as he had his head against the wall and I begged God to please not let that be the last time I saw my son alive. It was in that moment I had this intense calming feeling come over me and I knew in my heart that Audrey was going to protect her baby brother and he was going to be just fine.

I never understood before why she had to die but, in that moment, it hit me like a ton of bricks - she was taken to be his guardian Angel and to protect him from this condition and to guide him through surgery. She's not with us physically but she's always in our hearts.

She's always my angel. <3