"So...?"

Last night Addie spent the night at my Mom's. She usually spends one night a week there, so Grandma has her time with her. I went there after work to pick her up and I was chatting with my Mom for a few minutes and she looks at me and says "So...?" in that tone. You all know the tone, especially that tone from your Mom.

I looked at her and said "What?" and she said "So.... when are you going to have another baby?"

That question never irked me and bothered me quite like it does now.

It's not as easy as it was before. Before, at the thought of that question, I'd just laugh and say "I don't know. Never. Next week. I haven't decided."

After the worst day of my life, it's not easy to think of having another baby. It's not easy to remember the worst day of my life and think that something like that could ever happen again. I absolutely cannot relive that moment. No way, no how. That day almost killed me as it was and there's no guarantees it won't happen again.

Right now, we may be just letting whatever happen and even that terrifies me! I'm scared like you wouldn't believe at the very thought of that stick turning pink with two lines and in the very same thought, I'm terrified if it never does.

I got SO lucky having Addison. She is 100% perfect, 100% healthy. She was an ideal pregnancy and raising her has been the ultimate joy in my life. There is nothing I've done in my life that has ever given me the fulfillment that raising her has. We got so beyond lucky with having her turn out as perfect as she is. I often wonder if we shouldn't just count ourselves blessed with her and have her be the only child that is living and we're raising.  But then I think of how special and amazing she is and I know how much she'd LOVE having a little brother or sister to play with and I think of that child and I just know they'd be as wonderful and amazing as she is and I can't imagine not having another baby.

I don't know. I don't know.

I just don't know anymore.

Torture

My life since May 5th has been nothing but pure torture, sometimes pure agony. The ache in my heart comes and goes, the strength of it lessens at certain times and then other times it gets so intense, so hard to bare. Tonight I was going through pictures, organizing pictures of Addie into her albums and I came across a picture of Audrey's casket.

My mind immediately went back to that day, the hardest day of my life, the worst day of my life. The day my Doctor told me she was gone. The night I delivered her. The second worst day of my life, the day we buried our baby.

I stared at the picture for a few minutes before tucking it away but of course, never getting her out of my mind.

I have a folder of items and things I received after Audrey's passing, a folder I too tucked away and rarely look at. I just never feel strong enough to go to that place but tonight, it was all I could do. I haven't ran my fingers over her certificate of her prints in awhile but now, it's sitting right in front of my face and I keep looking at those tiny prints of her feet and her hands and the tears keep flowing from my eyes.

I made a decision the night we lost her not to see her or hold her. I can say with 100% certainty that I have lived a life with no regrets, until now. In the minutes and hours after I learned the news of her death, I was numb and just minutes after I delivered her, I still didn't believe this was really happening to me and when I was asked if I wanted to see her or hold her, I said no. I felt if I didn't then it didn't really happen and I wouldn't have to face the truth. Now, months down the road, I regret that decision with every ounce of my heart and body. I am her Mother and I should have held her. I should have kissed her tiny little body and whispered into her ear, knowing she couldn't hear me, and told her I love her and I never wanted anything more than to have my girls, growing together and watching them and enjoying those moments.

I have an envelope of memories, memories that will haunt me for the rest of my life. One day Addison will come across that folder and have questions and I'll have to answer her. I'll have to tell her the story of the day we found out her sister died, the night I delivered her and the day we buried her. I play that conversation over and over in my head all of the time. Addison knows about Audrey now and every once in awhile she makes comments in reference to her sister but at 3 years old I know she doesn't really grasp the idea of what happened, that her sister died and she'll never see her or play with her like anyone else she knows that has a sister.

So when you're standing on the edge waiting
to hear from
All the angels you hope
Will come to save you.
I can tell you all right now, they will never be
There for you and time waits for no one 

I haven't had a night like tonight, where I just sit and cry, in a long long time. There's been a lot of pregnancy announcements around me and even more babies being born and while I am happy for those that are enjoying this momentous time in their lives, it is never an easy thing to hear and it only strengthens that ache that I have.... the ache to have a baby to hold and the ache for the baby I should have had but never will.

What a difference a year makes

This time last year, I was pregnant and didn't even know it.

December 27th, 2008 I took the pregnancy tests that changed everything. It took my whole world, flipped it upside down and broke it into a million pieces. Only then, I didn't know just how my story with my baby would end.

I remember it was around 2 a.m. and I took the tests. I was up after working until midnight, stopped at Wal-Mart on my way home because I had that "feeling" and sure enough, the stick turned pink and there were two very identifiable lines. I was pregnant!

Adam was at work and I was on pins and needles waiting for him to get home. I fell asleep, barely, and when he got home he laid down next to me and I handed him the test. He had it turned over the wrong way and was like "What is this?" and when he flipped it over, he grinned from ear to ear.

We were celebrating our 6th wedding anniversary that day by going to a hotel and spending the night alone. I remember having so many thoughts going through my head how by our 7th anniversary we'd be the parents of two beautiful babies and we'd be a family of four.

Here we are, one year later, and sadly... we are a family of four, just not the family we should be. We tuck one little girl in bed every night and whisper softly "I love you" into her ear and our other little girl, we whisper "I love you" and pray we have comfort and peace to live another day without her.

I made it through Christmas relatively well. I think it definitely helped having Addie to keep me going and just seeing her excitement and watching her play with her toys kept me pretty distracted. I had a little moment on Thursday as I was driving home from work where Audrey entered my mind and tears welled up in my eyes.

I just can't stop thinking that this isn't how it should be. This isn't how it should have ended. It's been almost 8 months since we lost her and I still have moments where I find myself stunned and in shock that this actually happened. It still doesn't even feel real at times. It is almost like the same feeling I had when Addie was born. I was so stunned that I was a Mom - I was somebody's Mommy. Now, I find myself still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I was pregnant - I have two daughters but one of them died. She never made it outside of my body.

I never thought that a year after I took those tests, I'd be where I am today. I saved her pregnancy tests just like I did with Addie and every once in awhile I take them out of the box and touch them and just stare at them. I sit there in disbelief - she's really gone. I've said that a million times and I think it's going to take the rest of my life for it to really sink in.

I will carry you

I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says…
I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me
To carry you

---

I found this song several months ago from my stillbirth support group site and I know I posted it here before but lately this song has been going through my mind a lot and with the Holidays coming up - it's on constant repeat.

I miss my baby girl so bad that it makes my heart ache and even though I don't understand why she had to die and I never will and I've had my moments where I've been so angry I couldn't breathe, I have to say what I am most thankful and grateful for this Holiday season was the chance to have had her in my life. It was very brief and it did not end the way I imagined it would, but for that brief period of time we were connected in the most special way a parent and child can connect - she was growing inside of me. I'm not saying Adam doesn't love her or any other member of our family but I feel like I had the strongest bond with her and that's why I know I have taken her loss the hardest.

I follow the artist's wife on twitter and she is such a genuinely sweet and caring person. She is pregnant again with their fifth child and she wrote a blog the other day about having a meltdown going through her maternity clothes she wore with her Audrey and all of the emotions she feels carrying another child and I find myself knowing I will feel much of the same way. Any other pregnancy I may have will never be the joyous occasion it should be  - it will be happy, at times, but most of the time I know I will be a certifiable wreck. Until that moment I am holding a live, breathing baby in my arms I won't rest easily and I won't be truly happy.

I don't know if I'll ever be the happy person I was before I lost Audrey. I don't think there is a way to be complete after you've lost a child but I am going to try my hardest. I am going to give it all I've got and hope for the best. I am always going to be afraid but I know if I ever want to hold a precious life in my arms again, I need to move past the hurt and sadness I feel over her death and pray she'll be with me and her little brother or sister and guide us until the end.

So, sweet baby girl.... I'm giving myself to you and I hope and pray you'll be there for me during my next pregnancy, whenever that may be. I also pray you'll be with me during the Holidays as I struggle with missing you. I miss you every day and I think of you constantly. There's not a day that goes by that you're not on my mind and not weighing on my heart. <3

Adopt an Angel

I was struggling for awhile with the idea of what to do for Audrey for Christmas, to includ her and keep her memory alive in our family. I already know I am having an special ornament made for her to hang on our tree - right next to the ornament we had made for Addie's first Christmas. But, I still felt like I wanted to do more.... and then I found it.

http://angel.jcpenney.com/

I adopted a little girl around Audrey's age and I am buying gifts to donate to her. I don't know her name or anything, just her age and what size she wears for clothes and what kind of toys her parents prefer she have.
I am beyond heart broken that Audrey won't be here for Christmas but at least another little girl can have a good Christmas and be surrounded by the family that loves her.

I loved you enough to let you go

After six and a half months of waiting, six and a half months of anticipating - the day finally came that Audrey's headstone was placed.

I got the call early Thursday afternoon and I went up later in the evening to see it. I had my Mom and my 3 year old there with me. My Husband had to work but we plan to go see it, just the two of us, this weekend. The stone is truly beautiful and I am so pleased with it. If anyone in the Painesville, OH area needs a stone made for a loved one, I recommend Kotecki Memorials. They are amazing! They did my Angel's stone for free and that was truly the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me.

Published

My Angel's story has been published online. A lady I met through a stillbirth support group on facebook asked if she could publish Audrey's story on her website dedicated to her Angel, Katelyn Grace. I was very happy and honored to do so. It's hard at times to relive the memories of that day but I hope in some way it can help someone going through the same situation.

http://www.cradledinheaven.com/2009/11/12/baby-audrey/ 

Check it out if you have time!

--
I also have some news from my life to share: I got a new job! I'll start my new job on November 30th. I am so sad to leave my co-workers at my current job. They are the greatest group of people and have truly become like family to me but I found a great job with excellent benefits, excellent pay and the best part is that it cuts my driving time in half! Who can beat that?

I'm trying to fill my days by being busy to stop my mind from thinking how sad I am that Audrey isn't here for the upcoming Holidays. She'd be 2.5 months by now and I am sure would have been the life of the get together's, being passed from family member to family member.

*sigh*

I miss you baby girl!