♥ Last Box

It's amazing to look at the top of my blog page and see that I am on the last box in my pregnancy ticker! I am 35 weeks 6 days today, with 29 days (give or take) left until little man's arrival.

My nesting phase stared late with him. I'm just now washing his clothes and nursery bedding, etc. Hubby finally got his dresser together, so now I can really start on getting things put away and organized.

I had an appointment on Wednesday afternoon and the Doc said I am 2 cm already! If I remember correctly, I was about 2 cm or so at this point in my pregnancy with Addie too. She came at 37 weeks but that was only because of my blood pressure problems. I've had perfect blood pressure this time around and very minimal swelling, etc. I hate to even jinx myself and say that this pregnancy has been almost perfect. I had the bleeding problems in the beginning of the second trimester, but after that passed, it's been good. My main problem now is the extreme pelvic pain that I've been having lately. I had bad sciatic pain with Addie and now, this time around, it's the pelvic pain. My maternity leave is starting 2 weeks early because it hurts to even walk and getting up from a sitting to standing position - I hate the thought. I cringe at the pain and I cry almost daily.

Every time I think about the blessing of this baby and the fact that we are so close to bringing him home, I think of Audrey. I love my little boy so much and I am so blessed at how perfect he is, but I still feel this sadness that I never got this far in my pregnancy with Audrey. I never experienced this excitement and joy with her. Most of my pregnancy with her was anxiety, fear and the ultimate sadness of my life - her stillbirth on May 5th, 2009.

Addison is starting preschool on Monday the 30th and that makes me incredibly sad! She has grown up in the blink of an eye. A friend commented to me that it's so sweet how just as Addie in preparing to enter the world in a big way, Owen  is on his way to coming home. It's a special time in our family, that's for sure.

I'm finally starting to let my guard down and really believe this is real, but there is always that part in my mind that stops me and tells me to wait, there's still time for things to go wrong. I hate that I can't just shut my mind off and let myself enjoy this and truly live in the moment. I just can't fully let myself go until Owen is in my arms, alive.

Weaning

I feel like I am going crazy! I've been an emotional, bitchy basket case for days now. I know I can contribute part of that to being 34 weeks pregnant (holy crap!!) but the big part of it is weaning myself from my Zoloft. I've been on it since Audrey died, so over 15 months now. The Doctor wants me weaned off of it before Owen arrives so he's not suffering from withdraws when he's born. Makes sense and I know I need to come off of it - but wow, with the way it's making me feel weaning off of it, I wonder what I'll be like without it altogether.

Adam and I went and picked up Owen's dresser from Babies 'R Us this morning. That's the last major furniture item we needed for his nursery. Now we just need to get Adam a car seat for his car and we're good to go. We still have a few minor things to get but all I'm worried about are the major necessities to bring him home and we have those, so... the rest of the stuff I can pick up at the store between now and September.

I still have this huge fear well up in my throat every time we make a big purchase for Owen's nursery. I still have this fear, this unsettled feeling that we're doing all of this just to set ourselves up for another heart break. I'm absolutely 100 million percent terrified we won't bring him home from the hospital. I just cannot even fathom the idea of leaving the hospital with empty arms - again. I just can't. I have the highest of hopes that we're bringing him home but I can never fully erase that doubt and fear from my mind.

Adam has been talking about how excited he is and how he can't wait to hold him and just how excited he is to go through the labor and delivery process again. I feel the same way but my excitement is more contained than his. Right now, I feel like I just need to get this baby out of me and once he's alive and I can tell he's ok, then the real excitement and joy can hit me. I'm still very much in a panic mode. I'm trying to slow down and enjoy the moment but after losing Audrey, nothing is the same anymore. Nothing.

I saw this quote on a friends facebook and thought I'd share.

"Do not judge a bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing,but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity."

I think that just sums up every single day of my life for the last 15 1/2 months. I am here, existing, but a huge part of me will be elsewhere for the rest of my life and beyond.

Growing and Growing

As my stomach continues to stretch and get bigger (and a lot more uncomfortable) it reminds me that the little man inside is growing and growing! I am so blessed to be this far in my pregnancy and I thank my Angel for that every day. Thursday August 5th is the 15 month anniversary since Audrey's death. I live with reminders of her everyday, especially now with this little life inside of me. I know in my heart she blessed us with him. <3

Mr. Owen - he looks so much like my oldest. I often wonder what my Audrey would have looked like. 

Beautiful baby toes. I can't wait to snuggle him and touch those adorable toes.

All of that growing makes for one tired baby <3

I am now 32 weeks (Owen's ultrasounds pics were done at 31 weeks 5 days) and getting more and more anxious for his due date to come. I know that my heart cannot relax until he is in my arms, alive and breathing. That's when all of my worries and fears can melt away.

Going forward

Wow, I didn't even realize that I have been away from my blog for so long! A lot has been going on the last few weeks and it's hard to remember to breathe most days!

As you can see by my ticker above, I'm at 30 weeks 6 days today... entering my 31st week tomorrow with just 9 weeks left to go before Owen's arrival. It's safe to say I'm a nervous wreck STILL. We have the majority of his nursery ready, a stroller, a car seat, clothes, etc... I should be elated and beyond ecstatic that I have a little boy coming, and believe me I am, but I'm also terrified. I haven't removed any tags from his clothes yet and I've saved the receipts from all of our purchases. Call it the fear in the back of my mind that is stopping me from fulling letting myself go and truly enjoying this experience. I'm still so terrified that we'll leave the hospital, again, without a baby in our arms.

 That's what we have done of Mr. Owen's nursery so far. Hubby has some patch work to do in the painting (spots where it peeled from the wall.. ugh!) and we should be done and ready to put wall decorations up.

I had my 30 week appointment on the 19th and things were looking great with little man. His heartbeat is strong, my blood pressure is good and I gained 3 more lbs. I'm super happy my blood pressure is doing so well. When I was pregnant with his big sister, my oldest, I had bad blood pressure issues starting from 28 weeks on. She ended up arriving 3 weeks before her due date and due to the toxemia, she only weighed 4 lbs 14 oz. I'm more hopeful now that I'll carry Owen closer to term than I did with Addison.

Speaking of Miss Addison... that's another reason why I've been so busy! She's turning 4 next month and I've been getting ready for her birthday party. She has insisted on having a Penguins of Madagascar party ever since her 3rd birthday last year. Needless to say, finding the party supplies for that has been SUPER hard. I've managed to find invitations, balloons and a shirt - that's it. So, if anyone out in Blog world can help me find Penguins of Madagascar party decorations, I would <3 you forever!

I will try to get around here more often and update everyone. Even though it's been 14 months (now almost 15) I still miss my Audrey every day and I am so grateful she has blessed me with this new life, her little brother and I am so grateful she has kept him safe and alive inside of me. I know she's my guiding light during this and I am forever thankful to have her as my Guardian Angel.

A year later

It's so amazing how much can change in a year. At this time last year, I was writing entries about how angry and sad I was over the death of Audrey. I was writing entries how losing her felt like the end of my life as I knew it and how I'd never be the same person again.

I still believe those things to be true. I still believe that the day she died ended the life as I knew it then and come May 6th, 2009 a whole new world emerged. I still don't feel like the same person and I know I never will be. But a year later, I find myself filled with so much hope and so much love. I never imagined a year later I'd emerge from such a dark place and be this happy. In this moment, I'm more happy than words can describe.

I'm pregnant with a baby again, which is something I didn't expect would happen a year after her death and then to be pregnant with my SON, that's even more incredible to me. When we learned we were expecting again I immediately thought to myself "I want a boy." Not just for the reasons of giving Adam a son and having a son to carry on the family name but more because I wanted Audrey to be my last little girl. I wanted her to be my Angel daughter and my last daughter. I feel so much love for this baby and for Audrey because I know in my heart that since she knew she couldn't survive life outside of my body, she sacrificed her life to give life to her baby brother.

I watched the DVD that Babywaves made me last night (yes, I couldn't wait and yes, I'll watch it again lol) and I was watching him move, and watching his facial features and expression, and I was just so overcome with emotion. He looks perfect, he looks strong, he looks healthy. If I would've been given the choice to have a healthy baby and not know the sex at all, I could've waited but now I have the best of both worlds: I have a beautiful and healthy baby and I get to know the joy of expecting a son. 

I bought Owen a few outfits at the store already. What can I say? I'm an addict for baby clothes. I've heard a lot of people say that girls clothes are much cuter and while they do have an adorable selection, I was still going crazy over the little boy outfits. I bought him this sweater vest type outfit and unless something better comes up, I think we'll get his first pictures taken in that. 

Sitting here and making plans for the future feels so new to me. The day that we learned Audrey died, it felt like time stopped, like the future stopped and I was just left living in limbo. Slowly life started to resume again and thoughts of future children started to emerge but never in my wildest dreams did I imagine this would be my life just a year after she died. Having said that though, I wouldn't trade this experience for the world. I'm so in love with all three of my beautiful kids, my two beautiful girls and my adorable little boy. <3

 The tech originally thought Owen was in fact a girl... upon second look, we learned she was in fact a HE. :)

You can also see my sweet baby boy smiling at us. 

Owen also likes to flex his muscles for his Daddy. Isn't he perfect?!?

23 weeks

On Friday, at 22 weeks 5 days, I had my regularly scheduled appointment and ultrasound. The Doctor checked little one's measurements and they're all where they should be and little one weighs almost a pound. Looks perfectly healthy and was moving around quite a bit. Only problem is they were being stubborn and kept their little butt pressed against my navel the whole time and would not reveal their gender, so we're still clueless to whether we have an Owen or Alyssa joining our family in September. I was slightly disappointed and sad that we didn't find out (I have a severe shopping addiction for baby clothes lol) but as long as little one is healthy, that's the most important thing to me.

Right now though, I'd like to take a moment to ask anyone who comes across this blog to go to http://www.journey2babypeek.blogspot.com/ and leave any prayers, thoughts and condolences you may have for my friend Courtney and her husband Jason. Sadly, they are no strangers to loss. They lost their beautiful twin sons in January 2009 and today, lost their 3rd son, Wyatt. He is now with his big brothers in heaven and they're left with another void in their heart that can never be filled. Courtney was due 1 day after me and we had really bonded during this pregnancy because we both know the pain of losing another child. It breaks my heart that such a beautiful person, a beautiful son and a loving woman who wants nothing more than to be a mother to a child not in heaven, is experiencing such sadness and pain.

Thank you to anyone who comes across this and takes the time to read Courtney's blog. Now is the time when she needs comfort the most.

My Dear Audrey

My Dear Audrey,

                                        One year ago today, you left my body. One year ago today at the exact minute I am typing this I was lying in a hospital room preparing my body to deliver you, knowing you weren't alive and would never come home with Mommy and Daddy. I can't tell you enough how much I miss you and how sad I am. I feel like so much was robbed from you, from us and from the world.

                                         I want you to know that Mommy loves you like no one else ever will. I carried you inside of me until your little body couldn't fight anymore. It gives me great honor to have been the one carrying you until your death. I've said in the past that I often wish that since you were meant to die that I never would have gotten pregnant with you and I want to say right now that I am so sorry for ever saying that. I wouldn't change one single thing. If I would have known from the day your Dad and I conceived you that you'd die and never make it to life outside of my body I would've carried you anyways. From the second I saw your heart flicker on the ultrasound screen at just 5 weeks into my pregnancy I knew you were a growing life and I wouldn't do anything to harm you. I want you to know that I love you so much and even though my heart is shattered and I feel like the person I used to be is broken and lost, none of that is your fault. I never wanted you to suffer and if I were given the choice to have you die inside of me where you were safe or to die outside of my body, hooked up to machines and whatever else, I would've wanted you to die comfortably inside of me. At least I knew you were safe and nothing was causing you anymore pain.

                                       Your big sister Addison talks about you all the time. She tells everyone, so proudly, "Audrey is my sister." She often tells me she misses you and wishes you never had to die. It breaks my heart that you're missing out on the wonderful big sister that she is and would've been to you. I am sure that like any siblings that you two would have had your moments and arguments but I also know that you two would have been the very best of friends and Addison would've protected you so fiercely. She's a very passionate and wild little girl and you would've loved her silly personality. I hate that you're missing out on the experience of having a sister and I hate that Addison is missing out on that too.

                                       I also want to say thank you for the gift of the life you've blessed me with right now. I don't know yet if this baby is going to be your little brother or sister but what I do hope is that you find a way to bless this baby and give them a little piece of you to carry on into this world. Mommy and Daddy never wanted to replace you and it's never felt that way during this pregnancy. I know that you decided to bless us with another baby because you knew how sad we are that you're not here and you wanted to give us something to help heal our broken hearts. Mommy and Daddy love you so much and on this day, your very first birthday in Heaven, I wanted to tell you how grateful we are that you're our daughter. Mommy will always regret the decision she made not to see you or hold you and I want to tell you I'm sorry. At the time I was just so scared and terrified. I wanted to keep the vision of you as a sweet and peaceful sleeping baby in my mind. If I could change things and go back in time that would be the only thing I'd change about losing you. I'm so sorry and I hope you know that even in spite of that, you are still my daughter and I love you just as much as I love your big sister and little brother or sister.

                We love you Always and Forever,

                                     Mommy