23 weeks

On Friday, at 22 weeks 5 days, I had my regularly scheduled appointment and ultrasound. The Doctor checked little one's measurements and they're all where they should be and little one weighs almost a pound. Looks perfectly healthy and was moving around quite a bit. Only problem is they were being stubborn and kept their little butt pressed against my navel the whole time and would not reveal their gender, so we're still clueless to whether we have an Owen or Alyssa joining our family in September. I was slightly disappointed and sad that we didn't find out (I have a severe shopping addiction for baby clothes lol) but as long as little one is healthy, that's the most important thing to me.

Right now though, I'd like to take a moment to ask anyone who comes across this blog to go to http://www.journey2babypeek.blogspot.com/ and leave any prayers, thoughts and condolences you may have for my friend Courtney and her husband Jason. Sadly, they are no strangers to loss. They lost their beautiful twin sons in January 2009 and today, lost their 3rd son, Wyatt. He is now with his big brothers in heaven and they're left with another void in their heart that can never be filled. Courtney was due 1 day after me and we had really bonded during this pregnancy because we both know the pain of losing another child. It breaks my heart that such a beautiful person, a beautiful son and a loving woman who wants nothing more than to be a mother to a child not in heaven, is experiencing such sadness and pain.

Thank you to anyone who comes across this and takes the time to read Courtney's blog. Now is the time when she needs comfort the most.

My Dear Audrey

My Dear Audrey,

                                        One year ago today, you left my body. One year ago today at the exact minute I am typing this I was lying in a hospital room preparing my body to deliver you, knowing you weren't alive and would never come home with Mommy and Daddy. I can't tell you enough how much I miss you and how sad I am. I feel like so much was robbed from you, from us and from the world.

                                         I want you to know that Mommy loves you like no one else ever will. I carried you inside of me until your little body couldn't fight anymore. It gives me great honor to have been the one carrying you until your death. I've said in the past that I often wish that since you were meant to die that I never would have gotten pregnant with you and I want to say right now that I am so sorry for ever saying that. I wouldn't change one single thing. If I would have known from the day your Dad and I conceived you that you'd die and never make it to life outside of my body I would've carried you anyways. From the second I saw your heart flicker on the ultrasound screen at just 5 weeks into my pregnancy I knew you were a growing life and I wouldn't do anything to harm you. I want you to know that I love you so much and even though my heart is shattered and I feel like the person I used to be is broken and lost, none of that is your fault. I never wanted you to suffer and if I were given the choice to have you die inside of me where you were safe or to die outside of my body, hooked up to machines and whatever else, I would've wanted you to die comfortably inside of me. At least I knew you were safe and nothing was causing you anymore pain.

                                       Your big sister Addison talks about you all the time. She tells everyone, so proudly, "Audrey is my sister." She often tells me she misses you and wishes you never had to die. It breaks my heart that you're missing out on the wonderful big sister that she is and would've been to you. I am sure that like any siblings that you two would have had your moments and arguments but I also know that you two would have been the very best of friends and Addison would've protected you so fiercely. She's a very passionate and wild little girl and you would've loved her silly personality. I hate that you're missing out on the experience of having a sister and I hate that Addison is missing out on that too.

                                       I also want to say thank you for the gift of the life you've blessed me with right now. I don't know yet if this baby is going to be your little brother or sister but what I do hope is that you find a way to bless this baby and give them a little piece of you to carry on into this world. Mommy and Daddy never wanted to replace you and it's never felt that way during this pregnancy. I know that you decided to bless us with another baby because you knew how sad we are that you're not here and you wanted to give us something to help heal our broken hearts. Mommy and Daddy love you so much and on this day, your very first birthday in Heaven, I wanted to tell you how grateful we are that you're our daughter. Mommy will always regret the decision she made not to see you or hold you and I want to tell you I'm sorry. At the time I was just so scared and terrified. I wanted to keep the vision of you as a sweet and peaceful sleeping baby in my mind. If I could change things and go back in time that would be the only thing I'd change about losing you. I'm so sorry and I hope you know that even in spite of that, you are still my daughter and I love you just as much as I love your big sister and little brother or sister.

                We love you Always and Forever,

                                     Mommy

Wordless Wednesday

A beautiful picture made in honor of my Angel <3

Life After You

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughin' with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through

This week is going to be a tough week in my pregnancy and my stress level is on high alert right now. I am so thankful I have my doppler so I can at least ease my fears by hearing the baby's heart.

When I lost Audrey last May I had not yet known she was already gone some time before that. How I went all that time without knowing is something I still don't understand but according to the Doctor she was 18 weeks when she passed away and tomorrow will be the 18th week in my pregnancy with this baby.

I still haven't really felt this baby move yet either. I didn't feel Addison until about 19 weeks, almost 20, if I remember correctly. I've felt a few little flutters awhile ago but nothing really since then.

I just need to get through this and try to keep my sanity and tell myself "breathe in, breathe out." 

It's not as easy as it sounds when I stop and think what's about to be here in 11 days.

I keep trying to tell myself "you can do this, you can make it through her day" but in all reality, I don't know how I can. It's coming to the year mark, a whole year since the day that changed my life forever and I still feel the wounds like it was yesterday.

Take a minute

.... out of your day and visit this great site.

http://grieveoutloud.org/

With the first anniversary of my Angel's birthday/death coming soon, I find myself struggling with the emotions and I think grieveoutloud.org is a great voice for Mother's and Father's and other family members grieving the loss of a child gone too soon.

http://grieveoutloud.org/

16 weeks

I am now 16 weeks into my third pregnancy and it is safe to say, I'm still a nervous wreck. I don't think there is any way to prepare yourself mentally for this kind of roller coaster. For first time Mom's or even Mom's who never experienced a loss, it's a roller coaster for sure but then add the emotions and feelings of what it IS like to lose a child and it's intensified x 1000. 

I'm a nervous wreck every day and I try to tell myself to let go and enjoy this but it is so hard, especially since I'm getting closer and closer to the stage in my pregnancy with Audrey that we learned she was gone. May 5th is now less than a month away and I'm on pins and needles waiting for that day to come. 

There have been some issues that came up over the last week with this pregnancy and it has definitely had me more on edge than ever before. I started spotting and bleeding on Thursday the 1st (some cruel April Fools joke!) and it continued for a week. I was freaking out, thinking this was it and I was going to lose this baby too. After multiple visits to the Doctor we learned the baby is okay and there really is no explanation for the issues. I'm off work until the 19th so I can give my body the rest and relaxation it needs and deserves right now. 

I was going through some old entries in another journal I have and it hit me that exactly 1 year ago today I posted the last picture I'll ever have of my baby girl, the last ultrasound that I saw her alive. 

My Husband and I were talking the other day, shortly after this pregnancy issue began, and I told him that I am 100% certain I am done having kids. I just can't go through this anymore! I'm constantly on high alert, on edge and I can't even really take the time to enjoy this pregnancy because it seems like all I want to do is fast forward the next 24 weeks and get to the part where I hold my baby, alive, in my arms and take that huge sigh of relief that I've been bottling in since I discovered I was pregnant again. 

Tomorrow I go to my Doctor for the 16 week blood work and I am sure he'll use the Doppler so I can hear the baby's heart. That's such a sweet sound to me because I never heard Audrey's heart beat, the previous Doctor always did ultrasounds, and I never saw her heart beating again after April 11th, 2009.

I just want some answers

We are quickly approaching the one year anniversary of Audrey's death and delivery and I find myself, now more than ever, trying to find some answers as to why this happened, why she died. My new Doctor is incredible and is really putting forth a huge effort to obtain all of my medical records from the hospital and the Doctor who delivered her. They finally called me today with an update and after that conversation, I'm just left feeling so lost and confused.

I had never been through the agony of losing a child, let alone in the way I did, so I never knew what to do, what to ask, what to say. Now I often tell myself had I known then what I know now, I would have done SO much different. If only I could turn back time...

My new Doctor told me that the records were very hard to get in the first place and now that they have records, they only got partial records and it seems that the records don't all match up. For example: My Doctor who delivered Audrey says I was 21 weeks and yet the hospital says I was 24 weeks and then the papers on Audrey say she was only 18 weeks. I don't understand how there can be such a large difference.

Another thing that has me concerned is the fact that there was never any pathology reports done on her. Nothing. Nada. I just can't fathom how a healthy 22 year old woman loses a baby in the 5th month and they don't even do any testing to find out what caused it. I remember when Audrey was delivered, after I had made the painful decision not to see her, I asked the Doctor where they were taking her and he told me they were taking her to pathology. Now why would they take her there and NOT do any testing?!? I don't understand why, as a medical professional and a parent himself, he didn't pursue this harder, why he didn't do anything to give me an answer as to why I lost my baby.

The nurse at the office I spoke to today told me to ask for my records myself and to make sure I get all the records. I told her how I feel like there is something that is being hidden from me, like there was something wrong all along and the Doctor made the choice not to tell me. She told me she felt the same way at times but she didn't want to speculate and it would be easier to have all of the records so we could hopefully get to the bottom of this.

Just when you think you're doing better, dealing better, something always comes along and throws everything all out of whack again. I often find myself thinking how grateful I am for this new baby but then also I feel guilty because had Audrey lived, this baby wouldn't be a thought in my mind right now. Audrey would be just over 6 months now old and Adam and I had agreed after her, we were most likely done with kids. We decided now with this pregnancy that we are definitely done. I can't do another 9 months of being on constant high alert like I am now.

Something that did bring a little bit of comfort last night was that I finally had my first baby dream. My first dream where I could really see a baby, I held my baby and proudly showed him off to everyone. Yes, I said him. In my dream I had a beautiful, healthy baby boy and I named him Owen. It was so comforting to have that dream because I had them all the time with Addie and in my dreams with her, she was always a girl and I just knew that's what I was having. I never had dreams with Audrey and if I did, I could never see her nor tell what I was having. It was almost like it was my mind's way of telling me that she wasn't meant to be. I always struggled with picturing her as a part of our family in the physical sense of being around everyday and us caring for her.

I'm just a major mess in the head right now. This pregnancy already has my emotions out of whack and now this stuff with my records is just sending them into over drive.