Adentures of Motherhood

Anyone who is on facebook has seen the status that talks about as Mothers we've been puked on, peed on, pooped on, etc... Until you become a Mother you can only read that and think "Ewww gross, why would anyone want to willingly subject themselves to that??" I know I thought the same thing before I became a Mom. I also thought there was no way I could handle puke, pee or poop without wanting to puke myself.

Now that I've been a Mother for the past four years I'm an old pro at this stuff. I can handle accidents of both the pee and poop nature.... and puke? Been there and done that. I've had my carpets and my bed thrown up on more times than I can count. I've even been puked on multiple times as the Mother of a newborn. One memorable time stands out with Addison... We were at my in-laws for Christmas Eve, her first, when she was particularly fussy and cranky and just after polishing off a nice big bottle, she puked ALL over my hair and clothes. Thankfully my Mother-in-law and I were close in size so I cleaned up and changed into an outfit of hers. Not exactly what I wanted to have pictures taken in during my daughters first Christmas Eve, but hey, I'm a Mom. 

When Addison was just a day old or so I remember changing her diaper in the hospital and just as I was sliding my hand under her butt to position the diaper, she pooped in my hand. Every Mother remembers that newborn poop - the sludge black poop. Oh yeah, good times. 

Addison also had horrible spit-up problems in the beginning months of her life and I swear I didn't own a single shirt that hadn't been spit up on. I'm also 100% confident I even wore those shirts out in public not even realizing it had spit up on it and then by the time I did realize it, I didn't care.

Ah, the joys of Motherhood. 

I remember when I had Addison everyone telling me "be grateful she isn't a boy, they pee all over the place." I would just chuckle and laugh and think "it can't be that bad."

Fast forward four years and I now have my beautiful and amazing baby boy. In just 5 short weeks, he's peed on me more times than I can count. He even peed all over the bathroom at Portrait Innovations when getting his newborn pictures done. I set him down on the changing table and realized I forgot to grab the wipe. I had my arsenal of diaper changing supplies ready, all except the wipe. With one hand carefully positioned on him, I bent down to grab a wipe and in that split second I hear splashing hitting the floor. I look up to see my son spraying the Portrait Innovations bathroom. He has a fairly good reach too - it was hitting all the way near the sink and it trailed all the way to the changing table and up onto the table itself. I was stunned that a little baby boy could pee so much! 

Last night was another adventure in raising a boy for me. I'm quite surprised it took him this long to do it - Owen pooped on me. 

Well, first he started pooping in his tub. I've learned to multitask when it comes to bath time so while I'm washing him up, I'm also giving Addison a bath. I turned over to look at her as she's splashing away and pretending she's a water fountain and spraying water all over the wall of the tub and Owen starts to fuss. I look down to see a nice string of poop floating in his tub. It completely defeated the purpose of giving him a bath now that he was sitting in his own poop, but hey, what else could I do besides let him finish?

I waited several minutes thinking he was done and lifted him up to wash him off again real quick and I started to wrap him up in his towel and then I felt it - poop. All over my arm and all over the front of my shirt. Nice!

Thankfully my brother lives with us (this all happened while Adam was at work - one major disadvantage of second shift. I have zero help with the night time routines) so he came upstairs armed with wipes and took Owen into his room to clean him up while I tried to figure out a way to get my shirt off me without getting poop everywhere. Fun times, for sure!

My brother found this to be particularly amusing and I'm sure a tad bit disgusting too. I just laughed it off and told him, "When you become a parent, bodily functions of any kind don't gross you out.  You get used to it."

It's never a dull day in the Davis household and never a dull day as a Mother, that's for sure.

One of my dear friends commented on what I wrote on my twitter about Owen pooping on me and how, even in spite of that, I love that little boy with my whole heart. She wrote "You know it is love when poop is involved & you don't care. ;)"

Isn't that the truth?

Candlelight Vigil

Picture of myself at the Candlelight Vigil I attended for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day on 10/15/10

I look at that picture, I see myself standing there lighting a candle in honor of my daughter, my dead daughter, and I can't believe I ever lived through something so horrific, that I'm still living through this thing people call "grief." I don't think there is a proper word for the emotions and feelings associated with the loss of your baby.

I never thought I'd be where I am now. I remember thinking I'd always walk around with this huge weight on my heart and there will always be that weight there but now it's not quite as heavy.

This past month has been a huge wave of emotions for me. I look at my beautiful baby boy and I see his little smiles and when he looks into my eyes, my heart swells with love and I can't believe something so beautiful came from me. But then I also look at him and I think to myself that had last year never happened, had Audrey never died, he wouldn't be here. I look at him and I can't imagine not having him in my life but the reality is, had she never died, I'd be looking at her the way I look at him. I look at him and I think how different things were supposed to be. It's hard to put into words everything I feel when I look at my little boy. 

He's perfect in every way and he came to me when I needed him the most, but the hard reality is, had May 5th, 2009 never ended the way it did, I wouldn't be saying and feeling the things I am now. Life would be so much different..... I'll live the rest of my life always wondering and never knowing.

I remember

Yesterday I had the great honor of being able to attend a Candlelight Vigil in remembrance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day and my beautiful Angel, Audrey.

A year and a half ago I found the site www.dailystrength.com when I was having one of my many sleepless nights and I joined a Stillbirth support group. It was there that I met Sherri Horvat. She lost her daughter, Gianna, just a few weeks before I lost Audrey. She was a major help to me in those first few days and weeks after our loss.

With her amazing strength and courage she went on to found Gianna's Light. An organization she put together in honor of her Angel. It is her way of shedding Gianna's Light on the world and bringing attention to a much thought of but less talked about subject - Pregnancy and Infant Loss.

Yesterday was the second annual Candlelight Vigil and one of our local news stations was there to film a segment. They interviewed Sherri and also asked to interview me. You can watch the video here:

http://www.wkbn.com/content/news/local/story/Candlelight-Vigil-Held-for-Lost-Pregnancies/j1Alc4KTUk2vH_fENHol8w.cspx

I was so nervous to be interviewed - I've never been on tv before. :) But, I was also so honored to get the chance to bring attention to this special event and hopefully it helps another Mother feel less alone.

<3

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

At 7 pm please light a candle in remembrance of all babies gone too soon, all babies who never had the chance to go home with their families, all babies who left their families with a hole in their hearts that can never be filled.

Tonight I am snuggling a beautiful baby boy and as I look down at him lying on my chest, I can hear his little breaths and I can smell that sweet baby smell and my heart just swells with love, with pride.

Sadly, not too long ago, there was a time when my heart felt the exact opposite. On May 5th, 2009 I woke up that day full of excitement. You see - I was going to my OB for an ultrasound and my Husband and I were expecting we'd find out the sex of our baby.

I ended that night with a giant hole in my heart as I delivered my baby, my daughter, who was born without a beating heart.

She never had the chance to come home. She never had the chance to be surrounded by the love and affection her sweet little brother is right now.

So, in honor of her, please remember.

I love you so much Audrey. Thank you for bringing this amazing and precious little boy into my life. You knew I needed him and you brought him to me safely and now I know it is you who protects him and keeps him safe.

Words can never express my undying love for you.

Happy Ending

Our beautiful little boy is two weeks old now. We took the kids to Portrait Innovations yesterday and got some family pics done and a few newborn pics of our little man.

 When I look at him, my heart just swells with love and happiness. I waited so long for him! <3

 My beautiful babies

 My completed family. While we'll always grieve for Audrey and miss her, what we have now feels complete. I feel content and happy for the first time since Audrey died.

My smiley baby boy. I like to look at this pic and think he was seeing his Angel sister watching over him.

I took little man to the Doctor yesterday with some concerns I have because his eyes were excessively watering and developing "crust" when he sleeps. The Doctor told me he has clogged tear ducts. We have to wash his eyes off with a warm wash cloth several times a day. It should clear up within 6 months. I definitely hope it does. I don't want him to have it surgically repaired.

Adjusting to life with a newborn and a toddler has been easier than I expected. I think a lot of it is because Owen is such a happy and content baby. Seriously. He only fusses to be fed or when he is being changed. Other than that, he's truly happy and he just loves to be snuggled. He sleeps a lot better at night than his oldest sister ever did, which I have no complaints!! :) 

Overall, life is great. Life is wonderful and I feel so happy.

I feel like we finally got our happy ending.

Take Home Baby

We were told Thursday morning, after Owen's circumcision that we were free to go home once the hospital pediatrician signed off on him leaving. My Doc had done Owen's circ and was in the room fairly early that morning to get Owen and he was circumcised and back in the room by 11. The nurses all told me the hospital pediatrician usually came early in morning or right after lunch. So I expected we'd be going home around 1 pm at the latest.

I was so anxious to get out of there. I just wanted to get home, be with Addie and just be around my things. 

Apparently the hospital doctor got stuck in a meeting and she ended up not coming to see Owen until almost 4pm! To say I was frustrated and annoyed was putting it mildly. When the Doc eventually saw him and came into our room to give him a clean bill of health, we were throwing all of our last minute stuff into bags and waiting for someone to come and transport us downstairs.

When they finally came to get us, I scooped Owen up in my arms and sat down in the wheelchair. I swear I had the biggest grin on my face and as we got closer and closer to the elevators, my eyes started to fill with tears. It was only 16 short months ago that we were in the same situation but with a very different outcome. To finally be taking our baby HOME and not leaving with empty arms, it was such an amazing feeling. 

Adam commented to me later on how good it felt to be signing discharge papers and not arranging a funeral. 

It was truly amazing to hold him in my arms and as we were wheeled through the hospital lobby to our car, tons of people commented and "ooh'd" and "awww'd" over him. One pregnant woman was walking in with someone I assumed to be her Mom, she had her boppy pillow and all of her things with her so I figured she was being sent in for her induction. She and her Mom looked over at Owen and I and her Mom smiled and commented to her "That's going to be you in a few days."

In the world of parents who have experienced a loss like a stillbirth, etc... if the parents eventually have another child, they're often referred to the "rainbow baby" and the "take home baby."

I tell ya, he's definitely been the rainbow at the end of a very dark storm for me.

I remember after Addie was born that I was sad that I wasn't pregnant anymore and I would often tell Adam that I couldn't wait to get pregnant again. I would often reach down and feel my empty tummy and feel sad that there was no longer a baby in there. I'd tell Adam that I felt empty inside. Not empty in an emotional way, just literally empty. When you share your body with another human being for 9 months and you feel their kicks, etc... it's amazing how quickly you get used to that and how long it takes to adjust to having your body back to yourself. 

This time around, I feel SO relieved that I'm not pregnant anymore. I feel content and happy. I don't look at my body or reach down and feel my stomach and feel sad that Owen isn't inside of me anymore. I look down in my arms and I look at my beautiful miracle, my beautiful little boy, and I feel complete. 

For the first time in a long time, I feel whole. Of course my heart will always ache for Audrey and I'll always wonder "why her?" but since life can never provide me those answers, I am learning to accept that and move forward. 

She sent this beautiful little boy to me to give my heart that chance to heal, which is something I wasn't sure I'd ever feel again. 

I finally feel excited for the future, excited for what's to come. 

I have a beautiful family and I am so beyond blessed. 

He is the best 3:30 am wake-up call - EVER!

Owen Hunter

My beautiful rainbow baby, my handsome and amazing son was born on Tuesday September 21st, 2010. Born at 5:31 p.m., weighing 6 lbs 12 oz and measuring 20 3/4 inches long..

My heart has waited so long for him. I can't even describe the high I still feel knowing he's here, he's alive. I get to take him home. I don't have to leave the hospital with empty arms again.

To say I feel like my heart could explode with happiness is putting it mildly. 

There are NO words for this feeling.