Due Date

I remember the first time I saw 9.9.2009 on the ultrasound screen. I smiled. I giggled a little. I told myself that was our lucky day.

Here we are two years later and my life is so much different than I imagined it would be when I first heard that was my due date.

I should have a two year old little girl right now, but instead, she's not here. She lost her little life inside of my body just 5 months after she was conceived. Now, as her due date approaches and another year goes by, I am the Mom of a beautiful five year old and a little boy who is approaching his first birthday in a few weeks.

Life is so much different than I ever expected.

I think of her every single day. I miss her every single day. I always ache for what should've been. I don't think those feelings ever go away. It does get easier to deal with and I have some great days where the pain isn't as bad, but that feeling in my heart will never disappear.

I watch my daughter run around the house and her beautiful long blonde hair flowing behind her and I wonder if Audrey would be doing the same thing right now. I am sure she'd be talking up a storm and I am sure the two of them would be having so much fun together.

My little boy has been through so much this year - he was diagnosed with Craniosynostosis and had surgery at just 8 months old - and I know in my heart that Audrey protected him. She brought him to me and she brought him back to me again. She lives on through them. I often look into his beautiful eyes and I swear she's telling me "it's okay, Mommy. I'm here."

I have two living children but I'll always be a Mother of THREE amazing kids. <3

2 years

It's now been 2 years (and 1 month) since we lost our baby girl.

The last post I wrote was talking about how I couldn't believe it was coming - another anniversary, another year without her.

Life took us on another crazy adventure after I wrote my last post. On April 20th our son, my rainbow, was diagnosed with right coronal craniosynostosis. His right coronal skull suture fused prematurely (most likely at birth) and we were told he would require surgery to fix it. I was a WRECK.

When we lost Audrey and heard the words "there is no heart beat" it felt like all of the air was sucked out of the room and I was struggling to catch my breath. That exact feeling came back to me when the Doctor diagnosed our son.

He had a CT scan 2 weeks later and had an appointment with a plastic surgeon on Audrey's birthday. I tried my hardest to take that as a sign from my Angel that she was going to protect her brother and he would be OK.

The weeks after his diagnosis were the most panic stricken I'd been since Audrey died. I didn't think I'd ever feel that intense pain again in my life and then Owen was diagnosed. He was scheduled for surgery on May 27th. The week of surgery I was beyond being a wreck. I just kept praying, begging, pleading with God and with Audrey to please protect my baby boy.

When the morning of surgery arrived and we had to hand our infant son over to the Nurse to take back to the OR, I lost it. My Husband and I both stood in the room and just sobbed. I leaned up against him as he had his head against the wall and I begged God to please not let that be the last time I saw my son alive. It was in that moment I had this intense calming feeling come over me and I knew in my heart that Audrey was going to protect her baby brother and he was going to be just fine.

I never understood before why she had to die but, in that moment, it hit me like a ton of bricks - she was taken to be his guardian Angel and to protect him from this condition and to guide him through surgery. She's not with us physically but she's always in our hearts.

She's always my angel. <3

A little bit stronger

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

The two year anniversary is quickly approaching. We're now just over a month away from the worst day of my life.

I still don't know what to call that day.

Is it her birth day? It technically isn't her death day because the Doctor said she was gone at least a week before May 5th, maybe more. 

I don't know. No one knows.

I still struggle with lots of things. I still miss her. I still wonder why this happened. 

I am watching my little boy grow, the sweet boy she sent to me, and sometimes it makes my heart ache because I know I should've experienced that all with her. I wonder what she would've looked like, how she would've acted. There are clear differences between Addie as a baby and Owen now. He was a great sleeper from the start, he's an overall happier baby and rarely cranky, he loves to eat (as you can tell by my entries about his size lol) and he loves to suck his thumb. Every chance he can get, that thumb is going in his mouth. He loves to give me wet baby kisses where he grabs my face and puts his whole mouth on it. I love it and it melts my heart, but then I wonder... would she have been the same way?

I'm left to wonder for the rest of my life. 

This second year has felt harder on me. I remember dreading the first year anniversary and then when it came, I was at such amazing peace. I was growing a life inside of me again and I was so thankful for that. But this year, I feel sad. I think it's because I watch my son grow and I just feel sad because those are moments I was robbed of with her. 

I do feel peace too. I feel so thankful that my sweet boy made it into my arms and he's alive and healthy. I feel content now, like I can finally breath easier with the family size we have now, but there's always that missing piece. 

That piece of my heart will be missing forever.

How long?

How long will the flashbacks last?

How much time will pass before the events of that day and everything surrounding it doesn't hurt so much?

Will there ever be a time I don't think about it as much? I don't want to forget. She was my daughter and remembering her and the brief life she had is my great honor, but sometimes it is so exhausting to always think about it, and knowing I can't go back and change a thing.

It's been 19 and a half months since we heard the words no parents ever want to hear. We had to sit there in the exam room, full of hopes and dreams of the future, just to have them crushed with hearing "There's no heart beat."

How long will I replay those words over and over in my head? How long will I replay the words the nurses and hospital staff said to me as they were preparing my body to delivery my child - my child that had no life in her heart?

The first words I said after hearing those words were to my Husband. The Doctor left the room for a few minutes to give me time to compose myself before going to the hospital. Adam stood at the end of the exam table and helped me sit up and held me close to his chest. I buried my head into his shirt and started sobbing and yelling "They're going to make me deliver this baby. I can't. I can't. I can't."

I knew what stillbirth was and I knew what was about to happen. We had close friends while we lived in Oklahoma who suffered through the exact same thing at almost the exact same time in their pregnancy as mine. I knew what they went through and I saw glimpses of the pain they experienced. I just never thought that would be me. No one ever expects it to be them.... and then it was me. 

I was praying for a miracle. I was praying the whole time that the Doctor was wrong. I had a second ultrasound within minutes of his initial exam. He sent me to the hospital to confirm what he found and I was praying the whole time I was lying on the table, again, that he was wrong. He just missed her heart beat. She was okay and I was going to have a baby in a few months. When the tech helped me sit up and gathered my things and she said the words "I'm sorry," it was very obvious the Doctor was right. My baby was gone and I was powerless to stop it.

I've spent so much time praying, wishing, hoping that I'd wake up from what has felt like the longest and most horrific nightmare anyone could experience.

I spent so much time in the hours, days, weeks and months after asking "What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this?" I know I didn't do anything wrong and I know I didn't do anything to deserve this but my mind and my heart were in battle with each other.

So many friends, family and various people I've met throughout this journey have commented to me how strong I am, how proud they are at how well I've done since everything. I wish I could convey the words to them of what I really feel and what I really think. I don't feel strong at all. I feel like I've been on auto pilot since May 5th, 2009. 

I struggle so often with the unanswered questions. I struggle with the reality that I'll never have the answers to what caused her to die, why this happened, why me. No one sees or hears the inner struggle in my head and in my heart. It's a torture that only a parent who has lost a child can imagine.

I've accepted as much as one can accept that I'll never have the answers I want, the answers my heart aches for. I'll never say I'm moving on. There is no moving on from losing a child, but there is moving forward. I moved forward in a way I never thought I could. I had another child after my devastating loss. I have the world's most handsome and beautiful boy. He'll be three months old tomorrow and I guess what has brought this on, what has flooded my heart and my head with these feelings, is knowing his sister would be 15 months old right now if she had lived. She'd be celebrating her second Christmas and probably terrified at the idea of Santa, much like her big sister was at that age. These moments with my son are very bittersweet because I never expected to experience them after she died and they're very bittersweet because they're probably the last. My heart just can't go through another pregnancy again. I can't live with the fear and anxiety that ate at me every day until he was born. 

I've experienced true joy and happiness with my children and I've also experienced the worst heartache and darkness. 

I'm a very blessed but also very broken person.

Busy Month

The day after my last posting was my first day back to work after having my son.

It was such an incredibly emotional day for me. I was nervous about leaving him, being away from him for the first real amount of time since he was born, really in the last 9 months if you count the time he was growing inside of me. =) I knew he was in good capable hands with my Husband home to take care of him but it still didn't make the anxiety any easier. I was also really nervous about how Addison would handle the adjustment. She's very much a Mama's girl and she was super happy to have me home for 2.5 months. I really enjoyed doing the little things like getting her ready for school in the morning, taking her there and picking her up. I miss that already!

I was having such bad anxiety about going back to work that I made an appointment with my therapist the week before my return. I knew talking to her and getting a chance to unload everything would be a perfect thing to do. It definitely helped! I started seeing her about three weeks after Audrey's death, so she has really been there for me during this whole experience of losing her and of getting pregnant with my rainbow baby. She was super thrilled when she saw me walk into her office and she immediately asked me how the baby was, what I named him, etc. She really helped me to understand and process my feelings and fears of going back to work. It wasn't just a normal routine to work for most post-partum mothers. This had other fears and feelings attached to it. Much of it to do with the loss of Audrey. She brought up a very good point in saying that everything surrounding the birth and life of my son is more heightened to me now since I lost her. I take things more seriously and things have a different meaning to me now.

It's now been almost a month since my return back to work and I'm happy to say I'm adjusting a lot better to being away. I still miss him and Addison like crazy and I stare at their pictures on my desk all day long but I think it does help to be out and away for a little while. It gives me some adult interaction and it also makes the time that I am home with them mean more and I do more to enjoy it.

Owen had his 2 month check-up on the 22nd of November. He's a happy and healthy baby! He weighed in at 13 lbs 9 oz and measured 23 inches long. He got his first set of vaccines and he took them like a champ. He even got cute spider man band-aids after. =)

I think about Audrey every day and I always think about what should've been, what I wish life was like now but I am starting to accept that I have to move forward with my life. I won't say move on because I firmly believe that one can never move on from the loss of their child but having Owen has taught me to accept that I have to live in the present and give my love to the children I am blessed to have with me. I will just have to hold onto the comfort that I will see my Angel again someday and the comfort of knowing she's never forgotten... she lives on in my heart, always and forever. I haven't been up to see her grave since August and I feel terrible about that. I want to make the time to get up there (it's almost an hour from where I live) but it's hard with a newborn and with the weather getting colder. I'm hoping once the spring comes and it's nicer that I'll be able to finally decorate it with flowers. I meant to this past spring but with everything with my pregnancy and just life in general, that all fell by the way side. I'm trying though. I really am.

One day at a time.... one minute at a time. That's all I can do.

A Different Child

I found this truly beautiful and inspiring poem in one of my book's and wanted to share it.

A Different Child

A different child,
People notice
There's a special glow around you.
You grow
surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father's eyes.

And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.
You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their  hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth.
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
And father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here
Because my mother tried again."

Adentures of Motherhood

Anyone who is on facebook has seen the status that talks about as Mothers we've been puked on, peed on, pooped on, etc... Until you become a Mother you can only read that and think "Ewww gross, why would anyone want to willingly subject themselves to that??" I know I thought the same thing before I became a Mom. I also thought there was no way I could handle puke, pee or poop without wanting to puke myself.

Now that I've been a Mother for the past four years I'm an old pro at this stuff. I can handle accidents of both the pee and poop nature.... and puke? Been there and done that. I've had my carpets and my bed thrown up on more times than I can count. I've even been puked on multiple times as the Mother of a newborn. One memorable time stands out with Addison... We were at my in-laws for Christmas Eve, her first, when she was particularly fussy and cranky and just after polishing off a nice big bottle, she puked ALL over my hair and clothes. Thankfully my Mother-in-law and I were close in size so I cleaned up and changed into an outfit of hers. Not exactly what I wanted to have pictures taken in during my daughters first Christmas Eve, but hey, I'm a Mom. 

When Addison was just a day old or so I remember changing her diaper in the hospital and just as I was sliding my hand under her butt to position the diaper, she pooped in my hand. Every Mother remembers that newborn poop - the sludge black poop. Oh yeah, good times. 

Addison also had horrible spit-up problems in the beginning months of her life and I swear I didn't own a single shirt that hadn't been spit up on. I'm also 100% confident I even wore those shirts out in public not even realizing it had spit up on it and then by the time I did realize it, I didn't care.

Ah, the joys of Motherhood. 

I remember when I had Addison everyone telling me "be grateful she isn't a boy, they pee all over the place." I would just chuckle and laugh and think "it can't be that bad."

Fast forward four years and I now have my beautiful and amazing baby boy. In just 5 short weeks, he's peed on me more times than I can count. He even peed all over the bathroom at Portrait Innovations when getting his newborn pictures done. I set him down on the changing table and realized I forgot to grab the wipe. I had my arsenal of diaper changing supplies ready, all except the wipe. With one hand carefully positioned on him, I bent down to grab a wipe and in that split second I hear splashing hitting the floor. I look up to see my son spraying the Portrait Innovations bathroom. He has a fairly good reach too - it was hitting all the way near the sink and it trailed all the way to the changing table and up onto the table itself. I was stunned that a little baby boy could pee so much! 

Last night was another adventure in raising a boy for me. I'm quite surprised it took him this long to do it - Owen pooped on me. 

Well, first he started pooping in his tub. I've learned to multitask when it comes to bath time so while I'm washing him up, I'm also giving Addison a bath. I turned over to look at her as she's splashing away and pretending she's a water fountain and spraying water all over the wall of the tub and Owen starts to fuss. I look down to see a nice string of poop floating in his tub. It completely defeated the purpose of giving him a bath now that he was sitting in his own poop, but hey, what else could I do besides let him finish?

I waited several minutes thinking he was done and lifted him up to wash him off again real quick and I started to wrap him up in his towel and then I felt it - poop. All over my arm and all over the front of my shirt. Nice!

Thankfully my brother lives with us (this all happened while Adam was at work - one major disadvantage of second shift. I have zero help with the night time routines) so he came upstairs armed with wipes and took Owen into his room to clean him up while I tried to figure out a way to get my shirt off me without getting poop everywhere. Fun times, for sure!

My brother found this to be particularly amusing and I'm sure a tad bit disgusting too. I just laughed it off and told him, "When you become a parent, bodily functions of any kind don't gross you out.  You get used to it."

It's never a dull day in the Davis household and never a dull day as a Mother, that's for sure.

One of my dear friends commented on what I wrote on my twitter about Owen pooping on me and how, even in spite of that, I love that little boy with my whole heart. She wrote "You know it is love when poop is involved & you don't care. ;)"

Isn't that the truth?

Candlelight Vigil

Picture of myself at the Candlelight Vigil I attended for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day on 10/15/10

I look at that picture, I see myself standing there lighting a candle in honor of my daughter, my dead daughter, and I can't believe I ever lived through something so horrific, that I'm still living through this thing people call "grief." I don't think there is a proper word for the emotions and feelings associated with the loss of your baby.

I never thought I'd be where I am now. I remember thinking I'd always walk around with this huge weight on my heart and there will always be that weight there but now it's not quite as heavy.

This past month has been a huge wave of emotions for me. I look at my beautiful baby boy and I see his little smiles and when he looks into my eyes, my heart swells with love and I can't believe something so beautiful came from me. But then I also look at him and I think to myself that had last year never happened, had Audrey never died, he wouldn't be here. I look at him and I can't imagine not having him in my life but the reality is, had she never died, I'd be looking at her the way I look at him. I look at him and I think how different things were supposed to be. It's hard to put into words everything I feel when I look at my little boy. 

He's perfect in every way and he came to me when I needed him the most, but the hard reality is, had May 5th, 2009 never ended the way it did, I wouldn't be saying and feeling the things I am now. Life would be so much different..... I'll live the rest of my life always wondering and never knowing.

I remember

Yesterday I had the great honor of being able to attend a Candlelight Vigil in remembrance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day and my beautiful Angel, Audrey.

A year and a half ago I found the site www.dailystrength.com when I was having one of my many sleepless nights and I joined a Stillbirth support group. It was there that I met Sherri Horvat. She lost her daughter, Gianna, just a few weeks before I lost Audrey. She was a major help to me in those first few days and weeks after our loss.

With her amazing strength and courage she went on to found Gianna's Light. An organization she put together in honor of her Angel. It is her way of shedding Gianna's Light on the world and bringing attention to a much thought of but less talked about subject - Pregnancy and Infant Loss.

Yesterday was the second annual Candlelight Vigil and one of our local news stations was there to film a segment. They interviewed Sherri and also asked to interview me. You can watch the video here:

http://www.wkbn.com/content/news/local/story/Candlelight-Vigil-Held-for-Lost-Pregnancies/j1Alc4KTUk2vH_fENHol8w.cspx

I was so nervous to be interviewed - I've never been on tv before. :) But, I was also so honored to get the chance to bring attention to this special event and hopefully it helps another Mother feel less alone.

<3

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

At 7 pm please light a candle in remembrance of all babies gone too soon, all babies who never had the chance to go home with their families, all babies who left their families with a hole in their hearts that can never be filled.

Tonight I am snuggling a beautiful baby boy and as I look down at him lying on my chest, I can hear his little breaths and I can smell that sweet baby smell and my heart just swells with love, with pride.

Sadly, not too long ago, there was a time when my heart felt the exact opposite. On May 5th, 2009 I woke up that day full of excitement. You see - I was going to my OB for an ultrasound and my Husband and I were expecting we'd find out the sex of our baby.

I ended that night with a giant hole in my heart as I delivered my baby, my daughter, who was born without a beating heart.

She never had the chance to come home. She never had the chance to be surrounded by the love and affection her sweet little brother is right now.

So, in honor of her, please remember.

I love you so much Audrey. Thank you for bringing this amazing and precious little boy into my life. You knew I needed him and you brought him to me safely and now I know it is you who protects him and keeps him safe.

Words can never express my undying love for you.

Happy Ending

Our beautiful little boy is two weeks old now. We took the kids to Portrait Innovations yesterday and got some family pics done and a few newborn pics of our little man.

 When I look at him, my heart just swells with love and happiness. I waited so long for him! <3

 My beautiful babies

 My completed family. While we'll always grieve for Audrey and miss her, what we have now feels complete. I feel content and happy for the first time since Audrey died.

My smiley baby boy. I like to look at this pic and think he was seeing his Angel sister watching over him.

I took little man to the Doctor yesterday with some concerns I have because his eyes were excessively watering and developing "crust" when he sleeps. The Doctor told me he has clogged tear ducts. We have to wash his eyes off with a warm wash cloth several times a day. It should clear up within 6 months. I definitely hope it does. I don't want him to have it surgically repaired.

Adjusting to life with a newborn and a toddler has been easier than I expected. I think a lot of it is because Owen is such a happy and content baby. Seriously. He only fusses to be fed or when he is being changed. Other than that, he's truly happy and he just loves to be snuggled. He sleeps a lot better at night than his oldest sister ever did, which I have no complaints!! :) 

Overall, life is great. Life is wonderful and I feel so happy.

I feel like we finally got our happy ending.

Take Home Baby

We were told Thursday morning, after Owen's circumcision that we were free to go home once the hospital pediatrician signed off on him leaving. My Doc had done Owen's circ and was in the room fairly early that morning to get Owen and he was circumcised and back in the room by 11. The nurses all told me the hospital pediatrician usually came early in morning or right after lunch. So I expected we'd be going home around 1 pm at the latest.

I was so anxious to get out of there. I just wanted to get home, be with Addie and just be around my things. 

Apparently the hospital doctor got stuck in a meeting and she ended up not coming to see Owen until almost 4pm! To say I was frustrated and annoyed was putting it mildly. When the Doc eventually saw him and came into our room to give him a clean bill of health, we were throwing all of our last minute stuff into bags and waiting for someone to come and transport us downstairs.

When they finally came to get us, I scooped Owen up in my arms and sat down in the wheelchair. I swear I had the biggest grin on my face and as we got closer and closer to the elevators, my eyes started to fill with tears. It was only 16 short months ago that we were in the same situation but with a very different outcome. To finally be taking our baby HOME and not leaving with empty arms, it was such an amazing feeling. 

Adam commented to me later on how good it felt to be signing discharge papers and not arranging a funeral. 

It was truly amazing to hold him in my arms and as we were wheeled through the hospital lobby to our car, tons of people commented and "ooh'd" and "awww'd" over him. One pregnant woman was walking in with someone I assumed to be her Mom, she had her boppy pillow and all of her things with her so I figured she was being sent in for her induction. She and her Mom looked over at Owen and I and her Mom smiled and commented to her "That's going to be you in a few days."

In the world of parents who have experienced a loss like a stillbirth, etc... if the parents eventually have another child, they're often referred to the "rainbow baby" and the "take home baby."

I tell ya, he's definitely been the rainbow at the end of a very dark storm for me.

I remember after Addie was born that I was sad that I wasn't pregnant anymore and I would often tell Adam that I couldn't wait to get pregnant again. I would often reach down and feel my empty tummy and feel sad that there was no longer a baby in there. I'd tell Adam that I felt empty inside. Not empty in an emotional way, just literally empty. When you share your body with another human being for 9 months and you feel their kicks, etc... it's amazing how quickly you get used to that and how long it takes to adjust to having your body back to yourself. 

This time around, I feel SO relieved that I'm not pregnant anymore. I feel content and happy. I don't look at my body or reach down and feel my stomach and feel sad that Owen isn't inside of me anymore. I look down in my arms and I look at my beautiful miracle, my beautiful little boy, and I feel complete. 

For the first time in a long time, I feel whole. Of course my heart will always ache for Audrey and I'll always wonder "why her?" but since life can never provide me those answers, I am learning to accept that and move forward. 

She sent this beautiful little boy to me to give my heart that chance to heal, which is something I wasn't sure I'd ever feel again. 

I finally feel excited for the future, excited for what's to come. 

I have a beautiful family and I am so beyond blessed. 

He is the best 3:30 am wake-up call - EVER!

Owen Hunter

My beautiful rainbow baby, my handsome and amazing son was born on Tuesday September 21st, 2010. Born at 5:31 p.m., weighing 6 lbs 12 oz and measuring 20 3/4 inches long..

My heart has waited so long for him. I can't even describe the high I still feel knowing he's here, he's alive. I get to take him home. I don't have to leave the hospital with empty arms again.

To say I feel like my heart could explode with happiness is putting it mildly. 

There are NO words for this feeling.

39 weeks & Thank You!

WOW - My ticker really says 39 weeks. 

I'm really going to the hospital on Tuesday morning to be induced and I imagine before the day is over, I'll have a beautiful baby boy in my arms!!

This is so amazing and just so... unbelievable at times.

---

I wanted to take the time now to say a huge THANK YOU to all of you who have been there for me during this incredible journey. I honestly did not know if I'd ever be here again and to have had the support of so many wonderful people, it's amazing.

Whenever a woman becomes pregnant, you always imagine the end result being that you'll go to the hospital and give birth and take your beautiful baby home. You never imagine that one day you could wake up, go to the Doctor, and find out that baby you're carrying inside of you, that baby that you're so eagerly looking forward to, is dead. You always think "that kind of stuff happens to other people, not me."

I know I was that person up until May 4th, 2009. I woke up on May 5th, 2009 and my whole world had changed. I went to bed that night (or at least tried to) a completely different person, with this completely different world. 

I've had so many freak out moments and moments of sheer panic and one of the few things that held me together was knowing I had so many wonderful people there for me, cheering me on and offering me their love and support. 

I can't say enough how much each and every one of you mean to me. I wish there was a way to thank you all in person, but since I can't do that.... THANK YOU. I love you all!

Tuesday 9/21

Dear Audrey,

I miss you so much. I can't ever say that enough and nor can I ever express just how badly my heart aches for you. There's not been a day since May 5th, 2009 that I have not thought of you, not had a dream of what our life should be like now... You are the guiding light that has brought so many blessings into my life since the day my world crashed down around me.

This past February, when I learned I was pregnant with your little brother, I knew it was you who sent him into my life and I know it will be you who safely brings him into this world on Tuesday. The Doctor is choosing to induce Mommy because my blood pressure is getting high and he knows how scared Mommy is of something happening. I know it will be you who protects your little brother and safely brings him into Mommy and Daddy's waiting arms. I know it will be you who will be with me every step of the way through my labor and delivery. You are with me always, I know that.

When you died the hospital gave me this gorgeous Angel pin and I proudly have that displayed right above my rear view mirror in my car. I look at that pin every single time I'm in the car. I firmly believe that pin is my good luck charm. You've been there to safely guide me on my travels to work, etc... You've been there to protect your little brother as he travels along with me.

While you cannot physically be there to welcome him into this world with us, you'll be there in my heart as you always are. I also am bringing the little ceramic Angel that was on top of your casket with me as well. I want you to be included in this birth just as your big sister Addison will be included. You are not physically a part of our family as you should be, but we know you're always there, watching over us and keeping us safe.

I love you more than words can say. My heart will always ache for you and there will always be that piece of my heart that hurts over your death but, at the same time, I'm so glad I have you to be the Guardian Angel for our family.

Give us some extra special love and guidance on Tuesday. Mommy, Daddy and Addie will need it.

xoxo

Love you baby girl!

Love forever,

Mommy

9/9/09

September 9th, 2009 - that was the due date that came on the ultrasound screen when the Doctor did my confirmation ultrasound with Audrey. I thought that day would turn out to be my lucky day, but it looks like life had others plans.

September 9th, 2010 - I'm currently 37 and a half weeks pregnant with Audrey's little brother. I never imagined that 16 months after she died, and on her due date a year later, that I'd be where I am now. I've often thought and wondered during this whole pregnancy of the could've, should've, would've scenarios. Things could've been so much different than they are now, Audrey should've never died and had she lived, she would've been a year old now.

The day she died crushed so many hopes and dreams I had. It's taken a long time, a lot of tears, but I feel more hopeful for the future than I have in a very long time. The day she died took so many things away from me and broke so many pieces of my heart that I wasn't sure would ever get put back together again.

I'll never be the same person I was before she died, but this little boy inside of me has given me hope that I can become a better version of myself. Audrey's been the guiding light that has brought him into my life and brought us this far in my pregnancy. I pray she guides us through the remainder of my pregnancy and through a safe delivery.

I'll miss you and love you forever my sweet daughter. <3

♥ Last Box

It's amazing to look at the top of my blog page and see that I am on the last box in my pregnancy ticker! I am 35 weeks 6 days today, with 29 days (give or take) left until little man's arrival.

My nesting phase stared late with him. I'm just now washing his clothes and nursery bedding, etc. Hubby finally got his dresser together, so now I can really start on getting things put away and organized.

I had an appointment on Wednesday afternoon and the Doc said I am 2 cm already! If I remember correctly, I was about 2 cm or so at this point in my pregnancy with Addie too. She came at 37 weeks but that was only because of my blood pressure problems. I've had perfect blood pressure this time around and very minimal swelling, etc. I hate to even jinx myself and say that this pregnancy has been almost perfect. I had the bleeding problems in the beginning of the second trimester, but after that passed, it's been good. My main problem now is the extreme pelvic pain that I've been having lately. I had bad sciatic pain with Addie and now, this time around, it's the pelvic pain. My maternity leave is starting 2 weeks early because it hurts to even walk and getting up from a sitting to standing position - I hate the thought. I cringe at the pain and I cry almost daily.

Every time I think about the blessing of this baby and the fact that we are so close to bringing him home, I think of Audrey. I love my little boy so much and I am so blessed at how perfect he is, but I still feel this sadness that I never got this far in my pregnancy with Audrey. I never experienced this excitement and joy with her. Most of my pregnancy with her was anxiety, fear and the ultimate sadness of my life - her stillbirth on May 5th, 2009.

Addison is starting preschool on Monday the 30th and that makes me incredibly sad! She has grown up in the blink of an eye. A friend commented to me that it's so sweet how just as Addie in preparing to enter the world in a big way, Owen  is on his way to coming home. It's a special time in our family, that's for sure.

I'm finally starting to let my guard down and really believe this is real, but there is always that part in my mind that stops me and tells me to wait, there's still time for things to go wrong. I hate that I can't just shut my mind off and let myself enjoy this and truly live in the moment. I just can't fully let myself go until Owen is in my arms, alive.

Weaning

I feel like I am going crazy! I've been an emotional, bitchy basket case for days now. I know I can contribute part of that to being 34 weeks pregnant (holy crap!!) but the big part of it is weaning myself from my Zoloft. I've been on it since Audrey died, so over 15 months now. The Doctor wants me weaned off of it before Owen arrives so he's not suffering from withdraws when he's born. Makes sense and I know I need to come off of it - but wow, with the way it's making me feel weaning off of it, I wonder what I'll be like without it altogether.

Adam and I went and picked up Owen's dresser from Babies 'R Us this morning. That's the last major furniture item we needed for his nursery. Now we just need to get Adam a car seat for his car and we're good to go. We still have a few minor things to get but all I'm worried about are the major necessities to bring him home and we have those, so... the rest of the stuff I can pick up at the store between now and September.

I still have this huge fear well up in my throat every time we make a big purchase for Owen's nursery. I still have this fear, this unsettled feeling that we're doing all of this just to set ourselves up for another heart break. I'm absolutely 100 million percent terrified we won't bring him home from the hospital. I just cannot even fathom the idea of leaving the hospital with empty arms - again. I just can't. I have the highest of hopes that we're bringing him home but I can never fully erase that doubt and fear from my mind.

Adam has been talking about how excited he is and how he can't wait to hold him and just how excited he is to go through the labor and delivery process again. I feel the same way but my excitement is more contained than his. Right now, I feel like I just need to get this baby out of me and once he's alive and I can tell he's ok, then the real excitement and joy can hit me. I'm still very much in a panic mode. I'm trying to slow down and enjoy the moment but after losing Audrey, nothing is the same anymore. Nothing.

I saw this quote on a friends facebook and thought I'd share.

"Do not judge a bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing,but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity."

I think that just sums up every single day of my life for the last 15 1/2 months. I am here, existing, but a huge part of me will be elsewhere for the rest of my life and beyond.

Growing and Growing

As my stomach continues to stretch and get bigger (and a lot more uncomfortable) it reminds me that the little man inside is growing and growing! I am so blessed to be this far in my pregnancy and I thank my Angel for that every day. Thursday August 5th is the 15 month anniversary since Audrey's death. I live with reminders of her everyday, especially now with this little life inside of me. I know in my heart she blessed us with him. <3

Mr. Owen - he looks so much like my oldest. I often wonder what my Audrey would have looked like. 

Beautiful baby toes. I can't wait to snuggle him and touch those adorable toes.

All of that growing makes for one tired baby <3

I am now 32 weeks (Owen's ultrasounds pics were done at 31 weeks 5 days) and getting more and more anxious for his due date to come. I know that my heart cannot relax until he is in my arms, alive and breathing. That's when all of my worries and fears can melt away.

Going forward

Wow, I didn't even realize that I have been away from my blog for so long! A lot has been going on the last few weeks and it's hard to remember to breathe most days!

As you can see by my ticker above, I'm at 30 weeks 6 days today... entering my 31st week tomorrow with just 9 weeks left to go before Owen's arrival. It's safe to say I'm a nervous wreck STILL. We have the majority of his nursery ready, a stroller, a car seat, clothes, etc... I should be elated and beyond ecstatic that I have a little boy coming, and believe me I am, but I'm also terrified. I haven't removed any tags from his clothes yet and I've saved the receipts from all of our purchases. Call it the fear in the back of my mind that is stopping me from fulling letting myself go and truly enjoying this experience. I'm still so terrified that we'll leave the hospital, again, without a baby in our arms.

 That's what we have done of Mr. Owen's nursery so far. Hubby has some patch work to do in the painting (spots where it peeled from the wall.. ugh!) and we should be done and ready to put wall decorations up.

I had my 30 week appointment on the 19th and things were looking great with little man. His heartbeat is strong, my blood pressure is good and I gained 3 more lbs. I'm super happy my blood pressure is doing so well. When I was pregnant with his big sister, my oldest, I had bad blood pressure issues starting from 28 weeks on. She ended up arriving 3 weeks before her due date and due to the toxemia, she only weighed 4 lbs 14 oz. I'm more hopeful now that I'll carry Owen closer to term than I did with Addison.

Speaking of Miss Addison... that's another reason why I've been so busy! She's turning 4 next month and I've been getting ready for her birthday party. She has insisted on having a Penguins of Madagascar party ever since her 3rd birthday last year. Needless to say, finding the party supplies for that has been SUPER hard. I've managed to find invitations, balloons and a shirt - that's it. So, if anyone out in Blog world can help me find Penguins of Madagascar party decorations, I would <3 you forever!

I will try to get around here more often and update everyone. Even though it's been 14 months (now almost 15) I still miss my Audrey every day and I am so grateful she has blessed me with this new life, her little brother and I am so grateful she has kept him safe and alive inside of me. I know she's my guiding light during this and I am forever thankful to have her as my Guardian Angel.