39 weeks & Thank You!

WOW - My ticker really says 39 weeks. 

I'm really going to the hospital on Tuesday morning to be induced and I imagine before the day is over, I'll have a beautiful baby boy in my arms!!

This is so amazing and just so... unbelievable at times.

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I wanted to take the time now to say a huge THANK YOU to all of you who have been there for me during this incredible journey. I honestly did not know if I'd ever be here again and to have had the support of so many wonderful people, it's amazing.

Whenever a woman becomes pregnant, you always imagine the end result being that you'll go to the hospital and give birth and take your beautiful baby home. You never imagine that one day you could wake up, go to the Doctor, and find out that baby you're carrying inside of you, that baby that you're so eagerly looking forward to, is dead. You always think "that kind of stuff happens to other people, not me."

I know I was that person up until May 4th, 2009. I woke up on May 5th, 2009 and my whole world had changed. I went to bed that night (or at least tried to) a completely different person, with this completely different world. 

I've had so many freak out moments and moments of sheer panic and one of the few things that held me together was knowing I had so many wonderful people there for me, cheering me on and offering me their love and support. 

I can't say enough how much each and every one of you mean to me. I wish there was a way to thank you all in person, but since I can't do that.... THANK YOU. I love you all!

Tuesday 9/21

Dear Audrey,

I miss you so much. I can't ever say that enough and nor can I ever express just how badly my heart aches for you. There's not been a day since May 5th, 2009 that I have not thought of you, not had a dream of what our life should be like now... You are the guiding light that has brought so many blessings into my life since the day my world crashed down around me.

This past February, when I learned I was pregnant with your little brother, I knew it was you who sent him into my life and I know it will be you who safely brings him into this world on Tuesday. The Doctor is choosing to induce Mommy because my blood pressure is getting high and he knows how scared Mommy is of something happening. I know it will be you who protects your little brother and safely brings him into Mommy and Daddy's waiting arms. I know it will be you who will be with me every step of the way through my labor and delivery. You are with me always, I know that.

When you died the hospital gave me this gorgeous Angel pin and I proudly have that displayed right above my rear view mirror in my car. I look at that pin every single time I'm in the car. I firmly believe that pin is my good luck charm. You've been there to safely guide me on my travels to work, etc... You've been there to protect your little brother as he travels along with me.

While you cannot physically be there to welcome him into this world with us, you'll be there in my heart as you always are. I also am bringing the little ceramic Angel that was on top of your casket with me as well. I want you to be included in this birth just as your big sister Addison will be included. You are not physically a part of our family as you should be, but we know you're always there, watching over us and keeping us safe.

I love you more than words can say. My heart will always ache for you and there will always be that piece of my heart that hurts over your death but, at the same time, I'm so glad I have you to be the Guardian Angel for our family.

Give us some extra special love and guidance on Tuesday. Mommy, Daddy and Addie will need it.

xoxo

Love you baby girl!

Love forever,

Mommy

9/9/09

September 9th, 2009 - that was the due date that came on the ultrasound screen when the Doctor did my confirmation ultrasound with Audrey. I thought that day would turn out to be my lucky day, but it looks like life had others plans.

September 9th, 2010 - I'm currently 37 and a half weeks pregnant with Audrey's little brother. I never imagined that 16 months after she died, and on her due date a year later, that I'd be where I am now. I've often thought and wondered during this whole pregnancy of the could've, should've, would've scenarios. Things could've been so much different than they are now, Audrey should've never died and had she lived, she would've been a year old now.

The day she died crushed so many hopes and dreams I had. It's taken a long time, a lot of tears, but I feel more hopeful for the future than I have in a very long time. The day she died took so many things away from me and broke so many pieces of my heart that I wasn't sure would ever get put back together again.

I'll never be the same person I was before she died, but this little boy inside of me has given me hope that I can become a better version of myself. Audrey's been the guiding light that has brought him into my life and brought us this far in my pregnancy. I pray she guides us through the remainder of my pregnancy and through a safe delivery.

I'll miss you and love you forever my sweet daughter. <3

♥ Last Box

It's amazing to look at the top of my blog page and see that I am on the last box in my pregnancy ticker! I am 35 weeks 6 days today, with 29 days (give or take) left until little man's arrival.

My nesting phase stared late with him. I'm just now washing his clothes and nursery bedding, etc. Hubby finally got his dresser together, so now I can really start on getting things put away and organized.

I had an appointment on Wednesday afternoon and the Doc said I am 2 cm already! If I remember correctly, I was about 2 cm or so at this point in my pregnancy with Addie too. She came at 37 weeks but that was only because of my blood pressure problems. I've had perfect blood pressure this time around and very minimal swelling, etc. I hate to even jinx myself and say that this pregnancy has been almost perfect. I had the bleeding problems in the beginning of the second trimester, but after that passed, it's been good. My main problem now is the extreme pelvic pain that I've been having lately. I had bad sciatic pain with Addie and now, this time around, it's the pelvic pain. My maternity leave is starting 2 weeks early because it hurts to even walk and getting up from a sitting to standing position - I hate the thought. I cringe at the pain and I cry almost daily.

Every time I think about the blessing of this baby and the fact that we are so close to bringing him home, I think of Audrey. I love my little boy so much and I am so blessed at how perfect he is, but I still feel this sadness that I never got this far in my pregnancy with Audrey. I never experienced this excitement and joy with her. Most of my pregnancy with her was anxiety, fear and the ultimate sadness of my life - her stillbirth on May 5th, 2009.

Addison is starting preschool on Monday the 30th and that makes me incredibly sad! She has grown up in the blink of an eye. A friend commented to me that it's so sweet how just as Addie in preparing to enter the world in a big way, Owen  is on his way to coming home. It's a special time in our family, that's for sure.

I'm finally starting to let my guard down and really believe this is real, but there is always that part in my mind that stops me and tells me to wait, there's still time for things to go wrong. I hate that I can't just shut my mind off and let myself enjoy this and truly live in the moment. I just can't fully let myself go until Owen is in my arms, alive.

Weaning

I feel like I am going crazy! I've been an emotional, bitchy basket case for days now. I know I can contribute part of that to being 34 weeks pregnant (holy crap!!) but the big part of it is weaning myself from my Zoloft. I've been on it since Audrey died, so over 15 months now. The Doctor wants me weaned off of it before Owen arrives so he's not suffering from withdraws when he's born. Makes sense and I know I need to come off of it - but wow, with the way it's making me feel weaning off of it, I wonder what I'll be like without it altogether.

Adam and I went and picked up Owen's dresser from Babies 'R Us this morning. That's the last major furniture item we needed for his nursery. Now we just need to get Adam a car seat for his car and we're good to go. We still have a few minor things to get but all I'm worried about are the major necessities to bring him home and we have those, so... the rest of the stuff I can pick up at the store between now and September.

I still have this huge fear well up in my throat every time we make a big purchase for Owen's nursery. I still have this fear, this unsettled feeling that we're doing all of this just to set ourselves up for another heart break. I'm absolutely 100 million percent terrified we won't bring him home from the hospital. I just cannot even fathom the idea of leaving the hospital with empty arms - again. I just can't. I have the highest of hopes that we're bringing him home but I can never fully erase that doubt and fear from my mind.

Adam has been talking about how excited he is and how he can't wait to hold him and just how excited he is to go through the labor and delivery process again. I feel the same way but my excitement is more contained than his. Right now, I feel like I just need to get this baby out of me and once he's alive and I can tell he's ok, then the real excitement and joy can hit me. I'm still very much in a panic mode. I'm trying to slow down and enjoy the moment but after losing Audrey, nothing is the same anymore. Nothing.

I saw this quote on a friends facebook and thought I'd share.

"Do not judge a bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing,but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity."

I think that just sums up every single day of my life for the last 15 1/2 months. I am here, existing, but a huge part of me will be elsewhere for the rest of my life and beyond.

Growing and Growing

As my stomach continues to stretch and get bigger (and a lot more uncomfortable) it reminds me that the little man inside is growing and growing! I am so blessed to be this far in my pregnancy and I thank my Angel for that every day. Thursday August 5th is the 15 month anniversary since Audrey's death. I live with reminders of her everyday, especially now with this little life inside of me. I know in my heart she blessed us with him. <3

Mr. Owen - he looks so much like my oldest. I often wonder what my Audrey would have looked like. 

Beautiful baby toes. I can't wait to snuggle him and touch those adorable toes.

All of that growing makes for one tired baby <3

I am now 32 weeks (Owen's ultrasounds pics were done at 31 weeks 5 days) and getting more and more anxious for his due date to come. I know that my heart cannot relax until he is in my arms, alive and breathing. That's when all of my worries and fears can melt away.

Going forward

Wow, I didn't even realize that I have been away from my blog for so long! A lot has been going on the last few weeks and it's hard to remember to breathe most days!

As you can see by my ticker above, I'm at 30 weeks 6 days today... entering my 31st week tomorrow with just 9 weeks left to go before Owen's arrival. It's safe to say I'm a nervous wreck STILL. We have the majority of his nursery ready, a stroller, a car seat, clothes, etc... I should be elated and beyond ecstatic that I have a little boy coming, and believe me I am, but I'm also terrified. I haven't removed any tags from his clothes yet and I've saved the receipts from all of our purchases. Call it the fear in the back of my mind that is stopping me from fulling letting myself go and truly enjoying this experience. I'm still so terrified that we'll leave the hospital, again, without a baby in our arms.

 That's what we have done of Mr. Owen's nursery so far. Hubby has some patch work to do in the painting (spots where it peeled from the wall.. ugh!) and we should be done and ready to put wall decorations up.

I had my 30 week appointment on the 19th and things were looking great with little man. His heartbeat is strong, my blood pressure is good and I gained 3 more lbs. I'm super happy my blood pressure is doing so well. When I was pregnant with his big sister, my oldest, I had bad blood pressure issues starting from 28 weeks on. She ended up arriving 3 weeks before her due date and due to the toxemia, she only weighed 4 lbs 14 oz. I'm more hopeful now that I'll carry Owen closer to term than I did with Addison.

Speaking of Miss Addison... that's another reason why I've been so busy! She's turning 4 next month and I've been getting ready for her birthday party. She has insisted on having a Penguins of Madagascar party ever since her 3rd birthday last year. Needless to say, finding the party supplies for that has been SUPER hard. I've managed to find invitations, balloons and a shirt - that's it. So, if anyone out in Blog world can help me find Penguins of Madagascar party decorations, I would <3 you forever!

I will try to get around here more often and update everyone. Even though it's been 14 months (now almost 15) I still miss my Audrey every day and I am so grateful she has blessed me with this new life, her little brother and I am so grateful she has kept him safe and alive inside of me. I know she's my guiding light during this and I am forever thankful to have her as my Guardian Angel.