Saturday, December 26, 2009

What a difference a year makes

This time last year, I was pregnant and didn't even know it.

December 27th, 2008 I took the pregnancy tests that changed everything. It took my whole world, flipped it upside down and broke it into a million pieces. Only then, I didn't know just how my story with my baby would end.

I remember it was around 2 a.m. and I took the tests. I was up after working until midnight, stopped at Wal-Mart on my way home because I had that "feeling" and sure enough, the stick turned pink and there were two very identifiable lines. I was pregnant!

Adam was at work and I was on pins and needles waiting for him to get home. I fell asleep, barely, and when he got home he laid down next to me and I handed him the test. He had it turned over the wrong way and was like "What is this?" and when he flipped it over, he grinned from ear to ear.

We were celebrating our 6th wedding anniversary that day by going to a hotel and spending the night alone. I remember having so many thoughts going through my head how by our 7th anniversary we'd be the parents of two beautiful babies and we'd be a family of four.

Here we are, one year later, and sadly... we are a family of four, just not the family we should be. We tuck one little girl in bed every night and whisper softly "I love you" into her ear and our other little girl, we whisper "I love you" and pray we have comfort and peace to live another day without her.

I made it through Christmas relatively well. I think it definitely helped having Addie to keep me going and just seeing her excitement and watching her play with her toys kept me pretty distracted. I had a little moment on Thursday as I was driving home from work where Audrey entered my mind and tears welled up in my eyes.
I just can't stop thinking that this isn't how it should be. This isn't how it should have ended. It's been almost 8 months since we lost her and I still have moments where I find myself stunned and in shock that this actually happened. It still doesn't even feel real at times. It is almost like the same feeling I had when Addie was born. I was so stunned that I was a Mom - I was somebody's Mommy. Now, I find myself still trying to wrap my mind around the fact that I was pregnant - I have two daughters but one of them died. She never made it outside of my body.

I never thought that a year after I took those tests, I'd be where I am today. I saved her pregnancy tests just like I did with Addie and every once in awhile I take them out of the box and touch them and just stare at them. I sit there in disbelief - she's really gone. I've said that a million times and I think it's going to take the rest of my life for it to really sink in.