Saturday, August 28, 2010

♥ Last Box

It's amazing to look at the top of my blog page and see that I am on the last box in my pregnancy ticker! I am 35 weeks 6 days today, with 29 days (give or take) left until little man's arrival.

My nesting phase stared late with him. I'm just now washing his clothes and nursery bedding, etc. Hubby finally got his dresser together, so now I can really start on getting things put away and organized.

I had an appointment on Wednesday afternoon and the Doc said I am 2 cm already! If I remember correctly, I was about 2 cm or so at this point in my pregnancy with Addie too. She came at 37 weeks but that was only because of my blood pressure problems. I've had perfect blood pressure this time around and very minimal swelling, etc. I hate to even jinx myself and say that this pregnancy has been almost perfect. I had the bleeding problems in the beginning of the second trimester, but after that passed, it's been good. My main problem now is the extreme pelvic pain that I've been having lately. I had bad sciatic pain with Addie and now, this time around, it's the pelvic pain. My maternity leave is starting 2 weeks early because it hurts to even walk and getting up from a sitting to standing position - I hate the thought. I cringe at the pain and I cry almost daily.

Every time I think about the blessing of this baby and the fact that we are so close to bringing him home, I think of Audrey. I love my little boy so much and I am so blessed at how perfect he is, but I still feel this sadness that I never got this far in my pregnancy with Audrey. I never experienced this excitement and joy with her. Most of my pregnancy with her was anxiety, fear and the ultimate sadness of my life - her stillbirth on May 5th, 2009.

Addison is starting preschool on Monday the 30th and that makes me incredibly sad! She has grown up in the blink of an eye. A friend commented to me that it's so sweet how just as Addie in preparing to enter the world in a big way, Owen  is on his way to coming home. It's a special time in our family, that's for sure.

I'm finally starting to let my guard down and really believe this is real, but there is always that part in my mind that stops me and tells me to wait, there's still time for things to go wrong. I hate that I can't just shut my mind off and let myself enjoy this and truly live in the moment. I just can't fully let myself go until Owen is in my arms, alive.

Sunday, August 15, 2010


I feel like I am going crazy! I've been an emotional, bitchy basket case for days now. I know I can contribute part of that to being 34 weeks pregnant (holy crap!!) but the big part of it is weaning myself from my Zoloft. I've been on it since Audrey died, so over 15 months now. The Doctor wants me weaned off of it before Owen arrives so he's not suffering from withdraws when he's born. Makes sense and I know I need to come off of it - but wow, with the way it's making me feel weaning off of it, I wonder what I'll be like without it altogether.

Adam and I went and picked up Owen's dresser from Babies 'R Us this morning. That's the last major furniture item we needed for his nursery. Now we just need to get Adam a car seat for his car and we're good to go. We still have a few minor things to get but all I'm worried about are the major necessities to bring him home and we have those, so... the rest of the stuff I can pick up at the store between now and September.
I still have this huge fear well up in my throat every time we make a big purchase for Owen's nursery. I still have this fear, this unsettled feeling that we're doing all of this just to set ourselves up for another heart break. I'm absolutely 100 million percent terrified we won't bring him home from the hospital. I just cannot even fathom the idea of leaving the hospital with empty arms - again. I just can't. I have the highest of hopes that we're bringing him home but I can never fully erase that doubt and fear from my mind.

Adam has been talking about how excited he is and how he can't wait to hold him and just how excited he is to go through the labor and delivery process again. I feel the same way but my excitement is more contained than his. Right now, I feel like I just need to get this baby out of me and once he's alive and I can tell he's ok, then the real excitement and joy can hit me. I'm still very much in a panic mode. I'm trying to slow down and enjoy the moment but after losing Audrey, nothing is the same anymore. Nothing.
I saw this quote on a friends facebook and thought I'd share.

"Do not judge a bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing,but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity."

I think that just sums up every single day of my life for the last 15 1/2 months. I am here, existing, but a huge part of me will be elsewhere for the rest of my life and beyond.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Growing and Growing

As my stomach continues to stretch and get bigger (and a lot more uncomfortable) it reminds me that the little man inside is growing and growing! I am so blessed to be this far in my pregnancy and I thank my Angel for that every day. Thursday August 5th is the 15 month anniversary since Audrey's death. I live with reminders of her everyday, especially now with this little life inside of me. I know in my heart she blessed us with him. <3

Mr. Owen - he looks so much like my oldest. I often wonder what my Audrey would have looked like. 
Beautiful baby toes. I can't wait to snuggle him and touch those adorable toes.
All of that growing makes for one tired baby <3

I am now 32 weeks (Owen's ultrasounds pics were done at 31 weeks 5 days) and getting more and more anxious for his due date to come. I know that my heart cannot relax until he is in my arms, alive and breathing. That's when all of my worries and fears can melt away.