Friday, June 4, 2010

A year later

It's so amazing how much can change in a year. At this time last year, I was writing entries about how angry and sad I was over the death of Audrey. I was writing entries how losing her felt like the end of my life as I knew it and how I'd never be the same person again.

I still believe those things to be true. I still believe that the day she died ended the life as I knew it then and come May 6th, 2009 a whole new world emerged. I still don't feel like the same person and I know I never will be. But a year later, I find myself filled with so much hope and so much love. I never imagined a year later I'd emerge from such a dark place and be this happy. In this moment, I'm more happy than words can describe.

I'm pregnant with a baby again, which is something I didn't expect would happen a year after her death and then to be pregnant with my SON, that's even more incredible to me. When we learned we were expecting again I immediately thought to myself "I want a boy." Not just for the reasons of giving Adam a son and having a son to carry on the family name but more because I wanted Audrey to be my last little girl. I wanted her to be my Angel daughter and my last daughter. I feel so much love for this baby and for Audrey because I know in my heart that since she knew she couldn't survive life outside of my body, she sacrificed her life to give life to her baby brother.

I watched the DVD that Babywaves made me last night (yes, I couldn't wait and yes, I'll watch it again lol) and I was watching him move, and watching his facial features and expression, and I was just so overcome with emotion. He looks perfect, he looks strong, he looks healthy. If I would've been given the choice to have a healthy baby and not know the sex at all, I could've waited but now I have the best of both worlds: I have a beautiful and healthy baby and I get to know the joy of expecting a son. 

I bought Owen a few outfits at the store already. What can I say? I'm an addict for baby clothes. I've heard a lot of people say that girls clothes are much cuter and while they do have an adorable selection, I was still going crazy over the little boy outfits. I bought him this sweater vest type outfit and unless something better comes up, I think we'll get his first pictures taken in that. 

Sitting here and making plans for the future feels so new to me. The day that we learned Audrey died, it felt like time stopped, like the future stopped and I was just left living in limbo. Slowly life started to resume again and thoughts of future children started to emerge but never in my wildest dreams did I imagine this would be my life just a year after she died. Having said that though, I wouldn't trade this experience for the world. I'm so in love with all three of my beautiful kids, my two beautiful girls and my adorable little boy. <3

 The tech originally thought Owen was in fact a girl... upon second look, we learned she was in fact a HE. :)

You can also see my sweet baby boy smiling at us. 

Owen also likes to flex his muscles for his Daddy. Isn't he perfect?!?