Due Date

I remember the first time I saw 9.9.2009 on the ultrasound screen. I smiled. I giggled a little. I told myself that was our lucky day.

Here we are two years later and my life is so much different than I imagined it would be when I first heard that was my due date.

I should have a two year old little girl right now, but instead, she's not here. She lost her little life inside of my body just 5 months after she was conceived. Now, as her due date approaches and another year goes by, I am the Mom of a beautiful five year old and a little boy who is approaching his first birthday in a few weeks.

Life is so much different than I ever expected.

I think of her every single day. I miss her every single day. I always ache for what should've been. I don't think those feelings ever go away. It does get easier to deal with and I have some great days where the pain isn't as bad, but that feeling in my heart will never disappear.

I watch my daughter run around the house and her beautiful long blonde hair flowing behind her and I wonder if Audrey would be doing the same thing right now. I am sure she'd be talking up a storm and I am sure the two of them would be having so much fun together.

My little boy has been through so much this year - he was diagnosed with Craniosynostosis and had surgery at just 8 months old - and I know in my heart that Audrey protected him. She brought him to me and she brought him back to me again. She lives on through them. I often look into his beautiful eyes and I swear she's telling me "it's okay, Mommy. I'm here."

I have two living children but I'll always be a Mother of THREE amazing kids. <3

2 years

It's now been 2 years (and 1 month) since we lost our baby girl.

The last post I wrote was talking about how I couldn't believe it was coming - another anniversary, another year without her.

Life took us on another crazy adventure after I wrote my last post. On April 20th our son, my rainbow, was diagnosed with right coronal craniosynostosis. His right coronal skull suture fused prematurely (most likely at birth) and we were told he would require surgery to fix it. I was a WRECK.

When we lost Audrey and heard the words "there is no heart beat" it felt like all of the air was sucked out of the room and I was struggling to catch my breath. That exact feeling came back to me when the Doctor diagnosed our son.

He had a CT scan 2 weeks later and had an appointment with a plastic surgeon on Audrey's birthday. I tried my hardest to take that as a sign from my Angel that she was going to protect her brother and he would be OK.

The weeks after his diagnosis were the most panic stricken I'd been since Audrey died. I didn't think I'd ever feel that intense pain again in my life and then Owen was diagnosed. He was scheduled for surgery on May 27th. The week of surgery I was beyond being a wreck. I just kept praying, begging, pleading with God and with Audrey to please protect my baby boy.

When the morning of surgery arrived and we had to hand our infant son over to the Nurse to take back to the OR, I lost it. My Husband and I both stood in the room and just sobbed. I leaned up against him as he had his head against the wall and I begged God to please not let that be the last time I saw my son alive. It was in that moment I had this intense calming feeling come over me and I knew in my heart that Audrey was going to protect her baby brother and he was going to be just fine.

I never understood before why she had to die but, in that moment, it hit me like a ton of bricks - she was taken to be his guardian Angel and to protect him from this condition and to guide him through surgery. She's not with us physically but she's always in our hearts.

She's always my angel. <3

A little bit stronger

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

The two year anniversary is quickly approaching. We're now just over a month away from the worst day of my life.

I still don't know what to call that day.

Is it her birth day? It technically isn't her death day because the Doctor said she was gone at least a week before May 5th, maybe more. 

I don't know. No one knows.

I still struggle with lots of things. I still miss her. I still wonder why this happened. 

I am watching my little boy grow, the sweet boy she sent to me, and sometimes it makes my heart ache because I know I should've experienced that all with her. I wonder what she would've looked like, how she would've acted. There are clear differences between Addie as a baby and Owen now. He was a great sleeper from the start, he's an overall happier baby and rarely cranky, he loves to eat (as you can tell by my entries about his size lol) and he loves to suck his thumb. Every chance he can get, that thumb is going in his mouth. He loves to give me wet baby kisses where he grabs my face and puts his whole mouth on it. I love it and it melts my heart, but then I wonder... would she have been the same way?

I'm left to wonder for the rest of my life. 

This second year has felt harder on me. I remember dreading the first year anniversary and then when it came, I was at such amazing peace. I was growing a life inside of me again and I was so thankful for that. But this year, I feel sad. I think it's because I watch my son grow and I just feel sad because those are moments I was robbed of with her. 

I do feel peace too. I feel so thankful that my sweet boy made it into my arms and he's alive and healthy. I feel content now, like I can finally breath easier with the family size we have now, but there's always that missing piece. 

That piece of my heart will be missing forever.