Thursday, September 8, 2011

Due Date

I remember the first time I saw 9.9.2009 on the ultrasound screen. I smiled. I giggled a little. I told myself that was our lucky day.

Here we are two years later and my life is so much different than I imagined it would be when I first heard that was my due date.

I should have a two year old little girl right now, but instead, she's not here. She lost her little life inside of my body just 5 months after she was conceived. Now, as her due date approaches and another year goes by, I am the Mom of a beautiful five year old and a little boy who is approaching his first birthday in a few weeks.

Life is so much different than I ever expected.

I think of her every single day. I miss her every single day. I always ache for what should've been. I don't think those feelings ever go away. It does get easier to deal with and I have some great days where the pain isn't as bad, but that feeling in my heart will never disappear.

I watch my daughter run around the house and her beautiful long blonde hair flowing behind her and I wonder if Audrey would be doing the same thing right now. I am sure she'd be talking up a storm and I am sure the two of them would be having so much fun together.

My little boy has been through so much this year - he was diagnosed with Craniosynostosis and had surgery at just 8 months old - and I know in my heart that Audrey protected him. She brought him to me and she brought him back to me again. She lives on through them. I often look into his beautiful eyes and I swear she's telling me "it's okay, Mommy. I'm here."

I have two living children but I'll always be a Mother of THREE amazing kids. <3