Tuesday, March 29, 2011

A little bit stronger

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

The two year anniversary is quickly approaching. We're now just over a month away from the worst day of my life.

I still don't know what to call that day.

Is it her birth day? It technically isn't her death day because the Doctor said she was gone at least a week before May 5th, maybe more. 

I don't know. No one knows.

I still struggle with lots of things. I still miss her. I still wonder why this happened. 

I am watching my little boy grow, the sweet boy she sent to me, and sometimes it makes my heart ache because I know I should've experienced that all with her. I wonder what she would've looked like, how she would've acted. There are clear differences between Addie as a baby and Owen now. He was a great sleeper from the start, he's an overall happier baby and rarely cranky, he loves to eat (as you can tell by my entries about his size lol) and he loves to suck his thumb. Every chance he can get, that thumb is going in his mouth. He loves to give me wet baby kisses where he grabs my face and puts his whole mouth on it. I love it and it melts my heart, but then I wonder... would she have been the same way?

I'm left to wonder for the rest of my life. 

This second year has felt harder on me. I remember dreading the first year anniversary and then when it came, I was at such amazing peace. I was growing a life inside of me again and I was so thankful for that. But this year, I feel sad. I think it's because I watch my son grow and I just feel sad because those are moments I was robbed of with her. 

I do feel peace too. I feel so thankful that my sweet boy made it into my arms and he's alive and healthy. I feel content now, like I can finally breath easier with the family size we have now, but there's always that missing piece. 

That piece of my heart will be missing forever.