Friday, July 24, 2009

Audrey's headstone

We got the artwork in the mail today for Audrey's stone.

We came home from Bob Evans and Adam saw it in the mail box. We waited a little bit before we opened it because I just needed a little bit of time to brace myself for it. It's not the actual stone, obviously, but just seeing what her stone will look like has put me in this place and I'm........ I can't describe what I am.

I am choosing to share this with all of you because you all have become like family to me and you all have been there for me during the best and worst times of my life.

As soon as I saw it, the tears started. The shock of this being my life now is hitting me hard today. VERY hard. I should be expecting her arrival within the next 6 weeks and now, I'm left empty. I'm left with papers to approve the artwork for her headstone.

THIS is not how it should've ended.

I've been looking at her footprints a lot lately too. I made the decision 2 months ago when we lost her not to share them with anyone but I think I am ready. I shared pictures of Addie and her birth and everything and I want to do the same for Audrey. She's my daughter too and those are all I have of her to hold onto.

They smudged her handprint and I was mad about that at first, but oh well. I can't change it now. They also printed the time she was born wrong. She wasn't born at 10pm. It was 10:40 pm.

I run my fingers over her tiny prints all the time. I just wish I would've held her at least once. I regret that every day and I hate myself so much for that.

I just hate myself and I just hate that this happened to HER. She didn't deserve this.

1 comment:

  1. Cassie, the artwork is just perfect! I also love that you shared Audrey's hand and feet prints with us. Such a precious and pricess thing. As I was looking at her tiny feet and hand prints I had an instant idea. I'm not sure how you feel about tattoos but.... I personally would have them tattooed on me, so that everytime I felt lost and discouraged I could run my fingers across her feet and hands and remember she is always with me. I know these next few weeks are going to be extremely hard for you, Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers daily.