Saturday, December 4, 2010

Busy Month

The day after my last posting was my first day back to work after having my son.

It was such an incredibly emotional day for me. I was nervous about leaving him, being away from him for the first real amount of time since he was born, really in the last 9 months if you count the time he was growing inside of me. =) I knew he was in good capable hands with my Husband home to take care of him but it still didn't make the anxiety any easier. I was also really nervous about how Addison would handle the adjustment. She's very much a Mama's girl and she was super happy to have me home for 2.5 months. I really enjoyed doing the little things like getting her ready for school in the morning, taking her there and picking her up. I miss that already!

I was having such bad anxiety about going back to work that I made an appointment with my therapist the week before my return. I knew talking to her and getting a chance to unload everything would be a perfect thing to do. It definitely helped! I started seeing her about three weeks after Audrey's death, so she has really been there for me during this whole experience of losing her and of getting pregnant with my rainbow baby. She was super thrilled when she saw me walk into her office and she immediately asked me how the baby was, what I named him, etc. She really helped me to understand and process my feelings and fears of going back to work. It wasn't just a normal routine to work for most post-partum mothers. This had other fears and feelings attached to it. Much of it to do with the loss of Audrey. She brought up a very good point in saying that everything surrounding the birth and life of my son is more heightened to me now since I lost her. I take things more seriously and things have a different meaning to me now.

It's now been almost a month since my return back to work and I'm happy to say I'm adjusting a lot better to being away. I still miss him and Addison like crazy and I stare at their pictures on my desk all day long but I think it does help to be out and away for a little while. It gives me some adult interaction and it also makes the time that I am home with them mean more and I do more to enjoy it.

Owen had his 2 month check-up on the 22nd of November. He's a happy and healthy baby! He weighed in at 13 lbs 9 oz and measured 23 inches long. He got his first set of vaccines and he took them like a champ. He even got cute spider man band-aids after. =)

I think about Audrey every day and I always think about what should've been, what I wish life was like now but I am starting to accept that I have to move forward with my life. I won't say move on because I firmly believe that one can never move on from the loss of their child but having Owen has taught me to accept that I have to live in the present and give my love to the children I am blessed to have with me. I will just have to hold onto the comfort that I will see my Angel again someday and the comfort of knowing she's never forgotten... she lives on in my heart, always and forever. I haven't been up to see her grave since August and I feel terrible about that. I want to make the time to get up there (it's almost an hour from where I live) but it's hard with a newborn and with the weather getting colder. I'm hoping once the spring comes and it's nicer that I'll be able to finally decorate it with flowers. I meant to this past spring but with everything with my pregnancy and just life in general, that all fell by the way side. I'm trying though. I really am.

One day at a time.... one minute at a time. That's all I can do.

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