Tuesday, February 16, 2010

♥ Break even

I've used music a lot in my life this past year to show my emotions, to tell how I feel without having to try to sort out the mess of thoughts in my head. I heard this song the other day and it was another one of those songs.
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even.

Her best days will be some of my worst,
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first,
While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Coz she's moved on while I'm still grieving

And when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain,
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh.
'Coz you left me with no love, with no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break, no it don't
break, no it don't break even no.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces,
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, It don't break even, no
----
Adam gave me a card for V-Day and in it he wrote "This past year was the hardest of my life and I couldn't have made it through without you." 

That man has NO idea that he is my rock. He's what kept me from collapsing the second I found out our daughter was dead. When the Doctor told us, I asked for a few minutes alone with Adam and when I tried to get up from the table I got a little weak in the knees and I wrapped my arms around him, held him and cried "they're going to make me deliver this baby. I can't. I can't. I can't."  Then, the night she was born, he held my hand and wouldn't let go as he stood by my bedside and we cried when we learned our sweet baby that we never got a chance to know was in fact our sweet daughter. If I didn't have his hand there, holding mine and squeezing it with all the love we have for each other... well, I don't even want to think of it. On May 11th, just six days after we lost her, we had to bury her and during her service, I wrapped my arms around his waist, buried my head in the comfort of his arms and sobbed harder than I ever have in my whole life. He kept me from falling to ground. He held me up. 

I often complain about him and he drives crazy like no other but in that very same thought, he's my rock. He's literally held me up during the weakest moments of my life. He tells me I'm his strength but he has no idea that I wouldn't be nearly as strong as I am if I didn't have him.

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