Sunday, April 11, 2010

16 weeks

I am now 16 weeks into my third pregnancy and it is safe to say, I'm still a nervous wreck. I don't think there is any way to prepare yourself mentally for this kind of roller coaster. For first time Mom's or even Mom's who never experienced a loss, it's a roller coaster for sure but then add the emotions and feelings of what it IS like to lose a child and it's intensified x 1000. 

I'm a nervous wreck every day and I try to tell myself to let go and enjoy this but it is so hard, especially since I'm getting closer and closer to the stage in my pregnancy with Audrey that we learned she was gone. May 5th is now less than a month away and I'm on pins and needles waiting for that day to come. 

There have been some issues that came up over the last week with this pregnancy and it has definitely had me more on edge than ever before. I started spotting and bleeding on Thursday the 1st (some cruel April Fools joke!) and it continued for a week. I was freaking out, thinking this was it and I was going to lose this baby too. After multiple visits to the Doctor we learned the baby is okay and there really is no explanation for the issues. I'm off work until the 19th so I can give my body the rest and relaxation it needs and deserves right now. 

I was going through some old entries in another journal I have and it hit me that exactly 1 year ago today I posted the last picture I'll ever have of my baby girl, the last ultrasound that I saw her alive. 

My Husband and I were talking the other day, shortly after this pregnancy issue began, and I told him that I am 100% certain I am done having kids. I just can't go through this anymore! I'm constantly on high alert, on edge and I can't even really take the time to enjoy this pregnancy because it seems like all I want to do is fast forward the next 24 weeks and get to the part where I hold my baby, alive, in my arms and take that huge sigh of relief that I've been bottling in since I discovered I was pregnant again. 

Tomorrow I go to my Doctor for the 16 week blood work and I am sure he'll use the Doppler so I can hear the baby's heart. That's such a sweet sound to me because I never heard Audrey's heart beat, the previous Doctor always did ultrasounds, and I never saw her heart beating again after April 11th, 2009.

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