Wednesday, May 5, 2010
My Dear Audrey
My Dear Audrey,
One year ago today, you left my body. One year ago today at the exact minute I am typing this I was lying in a hospital room preparing my body to deliver you, knowing you weren't alive and would never come home with Mommy and Daddy. I can't tell you enough how much I miss you and how sad I am. I feel like so much was robbed from you, from us and from the world.
I want you to know that Mommy loves you like no one else ever will. I carried you inside of me until your little body couldn't fight anymore. It gives me great honor to have been the one carrying you until your death. I've said in the past that I often wish that since you were meant to die that I never would have gotten pregnant with you and I want to say right now that I am so sorry for ever saying that. I wouldn't change one single thing. If I would have known from the day your Dad and I conceived you that you'd die and never make it to life outside of my body I would've carried you anyways. From the second I saw your heart flicker on the ultrasound screen at just 5 weeks into my pregnancy I knew you were a growing life and I wouldn't do anything to harm you. I want you to know that I love you so much and even though my heart is shattered and I feel like the person I used to be is broken and lost, none of that is your fault. I never wanted you to suffer and if I were given the choice to have you die inside of me where you were safe or to die outside of my body, hooked up to machines and whatever else, I would've wanted you to die comfortably inside of me. At least I knew you were safe and nothing was causing you anymore pain.
Your big sister Addison talks about you all the time. She tells everyone, so proudly, "Audrey is my sister." She often tells me she misses you and wishes you never had to die. It breaks my heart that you're missing out on the wonderful big sister that she is and would've been to you. I am sure that like any siblings that you two would have had your moments and arguments but I also know that you two would have been the very best of friends and Addison would've protected you so fiercely. She's a very passionate and wild little girl and you would've loved her silly personality. I hate that you're missing out on the experience of having a sister and I hate that Addison is missing out on that too.
I also want to say thank you for the gift of the life you've blessed me with right now. I don't know yet if this baby is going to be your little brother or sister but what I do hope is that you find a way to bless this baby and give them a little piece of you to carry on into this world. Mommy and Daddy never wanted to replace you and it's never felt that way during this pregnancy. I know that you decided to bless us with another baby because you knew how sad we are that you're not here and you wanted to give us something to help heal our broken hearts. Mommy and Daddy love you so much and on this day, your very first birthday in Heaven, I wanted to tell you how grateful we are that you're our daughter. Mommy will always regret the decision she made not to see you or hold you and I want to tell you I'm sorry. At the time I was just so scared and terrified. I wanted to keep the vision of you as a sweet and peaceful sleeping baby in my mind. If I could change things and go back in time that would be the only thing I'd change about losing you. I'm so sorry and I hope you know that even in spite of that, you are still my daughter and I love you just as much as I love your big sister and little brother or sister.
We love you Always and Forever,