Sunday, February 21, 2010

♥ A true surprise

With both my oldest daughter and with Audrey their pregnancies were planned and mapped out. We planned what days were best to conceive, I monitored my cycle online to make sure I was regular, etc... after we lost Audrey, I knew if we ever became pregnant again that I didn't want to plan everything and check my cycle and all of that stuff. I just wanted to let whatever happen, happen....

Well, whatever was meant to happen did in fact happen.

I went for an appointment with my gynecologist on Wednesday the 17th and got the shock of a lifetime - I'm 8 weeks pregnant! We were not planning this and hadn't even really committed to letting whatever was meant to happen just happen. I had not been regular since November and by early January I had taken so many tests that turned up negative that I had resigned myself to the idea that I was not pregnant and my body was just being screwy. I went to the Doctor in mid-January and even HE told me I wasn't pregnant. Well, after another month of a no show period I went back and he told me I am pregnant. I am due 9.26.2010. Baby measured 8 weeks and had a strong heartbeat. So, everything is looking good.

I never knew how I'd react finding out I was pregnant again after losing Audrey. I wasn't sure if I'd be happy, sad, whatever.... When the Doctor told me, I was completely blind sided and it took me a good few minutes to catch my breath. When I told my Husband, I was thrilled beyond words and he even had the same shocked but happy expression I did.

I don't know what it was with Audrey's pregnancy but I always had an uneasy feeling, like something wasn't right and even though it did shock me when I heard she was gone, part of me expected that to happen. I can't explain the feeling... it was something that I just knew. I felt it from the beginning.

Since hearing the news of my pregnancy last week, I feel at ease. I feel hopeful. I've still had my moments where I've been scared and nervous but overall, I'm thrilled and I absolutely cannot wait for September. I can't wait to hold a live baby in my arms and leave the hospital with my baby and not with empty arms.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

♥ Break even

I've used music a lot in my life this past year to show my emotions, to tell how I feel without having to try to sort out the mess of thoughts in my head. I heard this song the other day and it was another one of those songs.
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even.

Her best days will be some of my worst,
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first,
While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Coz she's moved on while I'm still grieving

And when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain,
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh.
'Coz you left me with no love, with no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break, no it don't
break, no it don't break even no.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces,
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, It don't break even, no
----
Adam gave me a card for V-Day and in it he wrote "This past year was the hardest of my life and I couldn't have made it through without you." 

That man has NO idea that he is my rock. He's what kept me from collapsing the second I found out our daughter was dead. When the Doctor told us, I asked for a few minutes alone with Adam and when I tried to get up from the table I got a little weak in the knees and I wrapped my arms around him, held him and cried "they're going to make me deliver this baby. I can't. I can't. I can't."  Then, the night she was born, he held my hand and wouldn't let go as he stood by my bedside and we cried when we learned our sweet baby that we never got a chance to know was in fact our sweet daughter. If I didn't have his hand there, holding mine and squeezing it with all the love we have for each other... well, I don't even want to think of it. On May 11th, just six days after we lost her, we had to bury her and during her service, I wrapped my arms around his waist, buried my head in the comfort of his arms and sobbed harder than I ever have in my whole life. He kept me from falling to ground. He held me up. 

I often complain about him and he drives crazy like no other but in that very same thought, he's my rock. He's literally held me up during the weakest moments of my life. He tells me I'm his strength but he has no idea that I wouldn't be nearly as strong as I am if I didn't have him.