Stuck

This past weekend and the start of this week have been particularly brutal on me for some reason.  Adam and I hadn't exactly been on the same page lately and there has been a lot of work stuff happening(new baby announcements and the birth of another close co-workers granddaughters) and it all just came to a boiling point on Monday.

I sobbed the whole way to work, just thoughts of everything with Audrey, everything with Adam, and stress in general. I tried taking calls and focusing and getting my mind off of things but it was really hard. I left an hour and a half into my shift and drove an hour to the cemetery. In that moment I needed to be with Audrey. I stayed for about an hour just talking to her, watching the clouds, running my fingers through the grass where her plot is.... just wishing things hadn't ended the way they did and instead of running my fingers through the grass on her cemetery plot, I wished I was holding her and running my fingers through her hair.

I talked with my friend Teanna via text later that night. She was concerned about me and wanted to make sure I was okay. We talked about work and how I am worried my team lead may demote me from my position because of how much work I've missed in the last few months. My head knows I need to get my act together and really buckle down with work and be there more than I am, but my heart just tells me to leave and get out of there and run as far away as I can. The customers can be really brutal at times and it's so hard to listen to their problems knowing I have a huge list of my own.

She also told me it seems like I am still stuck in May and not really moving forward with my life. I had told her it was so frustrating how it seems like everyone thinks I should be "over things" by now.... I know I need to be dealing with things better than I am and for the most part, I do handle things well but it's really hard right now.

I was trying to wean myself off the zoloft so that was a part of my meltdown on Monday. I hadn't taken a pill in a few days (mostly I was just forgetting but when I did remember, I was trying to take half pills) and it was just making me feel weird, you could say. After the way I felt Monday I decided to keep taking it for now. I really don't think now is the right time to come off the zoloft.

I'm working so hard to realize that life has moved on since May 5th and that I need to let my life move along with it, but it's hard. That day is the single most devastating day of my life. Sometimes when I hear people telling me what I need to do to move forward or what I need to focus on, I just want to tell them "You bury your child, your baby that was growing inside of you who died before it even took its first breath, who you made the regretful decision not to see or hold because you were terrified and then talk to me about what I need to do to move forward or how I should be dealing with things better by now...." I know this is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life and at some point, the meltdowns need to stop affecting my work life and such but damn - it's only been 4 1/2 months. I just wish I could make them all understand what I've struggled with every day of my life since May 5th.

I know I'm stuck.... I just wish I could make people understand my feelings and understand why.

My baby died. She died inside of me. I had to deliver her. I went through every contraction and every twinge of pain and every single thing I went through with Addison only to leave the hospital with empty arms.

I'm heartbroken and I just want people to let me feel that way and quit forcing me to "move forward" any faster than I want to.