Saturday, September 5, 2009

Sad & Broken

I was sitting at work Saturday evening (picked up extra hours) and it was a relatively okay day. I hate working on my days off. If/when the occasion comes that I pick up extra hours, I always do it after my regular shift but never on my day off. Anyways - like I said, the day was pretty decent. Then, out of nowhere, the fear, the panic, the anxiety and the sadness took over. The clock on my computer kept ticking away and then it hit 10:40 pm.

4 months ago, at that exact minute, my baby that had died in my womb, was born.

That exact minute, I became a new person. A broken, shattered, empty person.

Everyone tells me I am so strong and so brave and while I appreciate that, no one knows how much I am really struggling with this. I do what I have to do for the child I still have with me but there are so many days that I can feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and I want to crumble and crack at the pressure.

Audrey's due date is approaching. 4 days and counting.... and all I can think about is that she should be here by now. I expected her to come early just like Addie did. I should be holding my baby in my arms right now but instead, my arms are empty and my heart is broken.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her. Not one single day. I'll be driving and bam - she's in my head and I can't stop thinking about her. Or I'll be at the store and I'll see the most adorable outfit for a little girl infant and I imagine how cute Audrey would've looked in that. Or I'll look at Addison and I'll wonder if Audrey would have been bald like Addie was when she was born. Or I'll look at Adam and I'll remember him holding Addie on his chest and taking naps with her on the couch when she came home and I envision Audrey laying there, like she should be right now.

I sometimes wonder if I want to let whatever happen, happen when it comes to conceiving again but I just can't do that. I'm terrified. I absolutely cannot suffer another loss. I just can't. I'll never survive it..... I'm barely surviving this, despite what people may think.

Everyone tells me to count my blessings and be grateful for what I have and don't get me wrong, I do. But right now I really don't want to hear that.

I just want to hold my baby.

The memorial home that is making Audrey's stone cashed their check the other day. We are one step closer to her stone being finished and placed and one more piece of my heart has been broken.

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