Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Long Road

My commute to work now that we've moved doubled from what it was before. I had a 20 minute drive from our apartment to where I work, now I have a 40 minute drive. Sometimes it is an hour when I have to take Addie and go out of my way to drop her off at my Mom's. It sucks on gas (I fill up within 4-5 days when I could last a whole week before) but one benefit is that it gives me a lot of time to think. A lot!

On my drive home at night, there aren't many cars on the road and it's just me and the open road and with how exhausted I usually am by that time of night, I spend a lot of time listening to the radio and just thinking. I think about Audrey mostly. That's my time with her. I sit and think about the day I found out she died, that night when she was born, the whirlwind of emotions that came with that and continue to come every day. I think about what I am blessed to still have and of course I think about other silly things like money, etc.... but mostly, I think about Audrey. I really don't like thinking about much else. I have all day to focus on the other stuff. I want that time to be hers. I talk to her, usually just in my head and sometimes out loud.

I tell her how much I miss her, how heart broken I am that she's not with me, how sorry I am that I never saw her or held her and how if I'd have known then what I know now, I would have held her in my arms all night long. Even though she was dead and so tiny when she was born, she's my daughter in every way Addison is.  I tell her how much fun Addie would have had being a big sister to her, how excited she was to do all of the things I promised her she would get to do like helping me bathe her, wash her, give her bottles, rock her to sleep. I tell her how much her Daddy would've loved having his two little girls and how I am sure he would've turned her into the rough and tough tomboy that he turned Addie into and how much fun he would've had having his two girls to wrestle on the living room floor with.

I mostly just tell her how much I love her and how I always will. I tell her that there will never be a day that goes by that she isn't on my mind. I carry a little Angel pin on my lanyard for work and I often reach down throughout the day and play with it, touch it, whatever. I often use that as my "help me get through the day" thing. She's everywhere I go and she's always with me.... but why do I still feel so empty?
It's been 5 months, almost, since she died. I know that each person grieves differently and while others may find the strength to go forward with life faster than others, I often wonder how much longer this crushing feeling will last? I have some good days and I have some bad days and then I have really really bad days. This up and down thing is really wearing me down. I know there is no "time limit" on grief..... but my goodness, I'm exhausted! I think that's why I often struggle to fall asleep now and no matter what amount of sleep I get, I'm still tired. It's a never ending cycle.

I am so mad that this happened. This ruined my life. This shattered every hope and dream I had. I'm not mad at Audrey for dying. I know her little body held on as long as she could and she fought hard to stay alive. I'm just mad. My life is broken and I just get so mad when i think of how good life was before this happened and then thinking about what it's like now... I just hate it.

I've had better days since my meltdown on Monday. I'm really trying to get things back together in my head and have better days. I feel okay right now but as usual, on my long drive home, Audrey was on my mind the whole way and I took the advice of my counselor and let my thoughts out in hopes I can fall asleep before 3 am. Let's see if it works....

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