I will remember you

You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

-------

Tonight's a night where I find myself thinking. Thinking about how at this time, I'd have a six week old and how I'd be getting both of my girls ready for the Holidays. I wanted to put Audrey in a little pea costume or since Addie became a witch this Halloween, I might've switched my mind to something that went along with her theme.

I find myself thinking how at Thanksgiving, I'd have a two month old and I probably wouldn't get to eat much between the two kids needing me. I'm sure Addie would be climbing all over me and Audrey would need a bottle and diapers changed.

I find myself thinking about Christmas. I find myself thinking how when I go Christmas shopping I should be shopping for two little girls. Two little girls that would have been spoiled beyond your wildest dreams. Two little girls - instead it's just one. Don't get me wrong, I'm beyond grateful for the one I have. She's amazing but I'm allowed and I'm entitled to think of what I was robbed of. I was robbed of that joy of having my family complete for the Holidays. Instead, while it will be joyous I'm sure, I will feel that empty piece in my heart aching. That empty part that is hers and will always be hers.

I am going to get a special ornament to put on the tree and I don't care how cold it is or how much snow is on the ground, I will go to her grave and give her a gift. She's my baby, always and forever.

I just miss her so much.

Candlelight Memorial

On Thursday the 15th, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, I had the honor of attending an event organized by a Mother I met through a stillbirth support group online. She lost her third child, her daughter Gianna, in April and to remember her and all of the babies taken too soon she organized an amazing candlelight vigil.

I thought attending the event was going to be hard and in a lot of ways, it was, but at the same time it gave me a lot of peace with Audrey's passing. I felt glad to know that even though she's gone I can still do things to honor her memory and to let the world know my Angel did exist. She may have only lived in my body for 5 months but she'll live in my heart for the rest of my life and beyond. When I die and I'm buried, I plan to be buried with things in my casket from all of my kids. Addison, Audrey and any future kids we may have will be included with me when I go to heaven.

Here are a few pictures from the amazing night:

 

Me with the organizer of the event and Gianna's Mom Sherri (she has the pink scarf on next to me)

 

So sad to see so many parents and family members there whose hearts are broken just like mine

Audrey surrounded by the other Angels we honored that evening

Remember

Today is October 15th and to most people in this world, it's just another day. A day where they'll wake up, go to work, do their daily activities and go to bed.

But to me October 15th means so much more. It's a day that is set to remember the Angels taken from this world too soon, taken from the families that love them and miss them.

Every day is a day for me to remember my daughter and not a day has gone by since she died that I don't think about her. Before I lost Audrey I didn't even know that a day like National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness existed and now that she is gone and I find myself bonding with so many women like myself, I often wonder how I wouldn't even know them or that this day even existed had it not been for losing Audrey. I'm glad I met them and I'm honored to be attending an event organized in memory of our babies that have died but I also wish this had never happened and that none of us had to have a day like this to live through.

My sweet Angel has been on my mind so much more than usual and in this very minute I can feel flutters in my stomach thinking about her and remembering back to the day that she was born still. The day that forever changed my world and changed the person I was.

At 7 p.m. please light a candle and remember all of the babies in this world and remember their parents. We are doing our best to move forward and while we may look like we "have it together," it takes every bit of energy we have to function and go on with that missing piece of our heart.

I love you Audrey - Mommy will get to hold you someday!

October 15th

October 15th is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day.

At 7 pm on that day, light a candle and let it burn for one hour to show your support for our Angels taken too soon. A good friend gave me a link to a site that is putting something together for that day and I thought the picture was beautiful and wanted to share it.

I am lighting my candle at a special event organized by a Mom who also suffered the same loss I did. I am lighting my candle in honor of my Angel - Audrey Taylor.

 My daughter was stillborn on May 5th, 2009. The day my world changed forever.

Even though she was stillborn, she was still born and she'll always be my baby!

5 months

5 months ago today, life as I knew it changed.  The days are a little easier, but the thoughts are always there. I miss her more and more every day and some days the thoughts of missing her so crippling.

I'm doing better since I've been consistently taking my Zoloft every day. I was getting forgetful and not taking it every day like I should, which is what caused my meltdown two weeks ago. But, I'm better now. I think.

Still not sure where we stand on the trying to conceive thing. I have thoughts of talking about it with him and then something always holds me back. I want a baby so bad but I'm terrified. Completely 100% terrified.

5 months has gone by since the moment I found out Audrey was dead...... and I can't even believe it. I should have a newborn right now but instead, I'm about to make the call to find out that status on her headstone and when it will be placed.

*sigh*