Wednesday, January 27, 2010

A private journal

Shortly after Audrey died, a friend of mine mailed me a journal and told me to use that any time I needed to pour my heart out and to use it for somewhere to collect the many thoughts flowing through my head. I've always been so much better at pouring my heart out on paper (or on the internet) than I have verbally.
I used to write every now and again after she died and a lot in the beginning and then as time has gone by, and my days have gotten a little easier to live through, it's been a long time since I wrote.

So, last night I took the time to sit down with my little girl and pour my heart out to her again. I told her about all of the events that have happened in our lives since she died, all of the moments she missed out on. I told her about how we moved into the house and while it was a very exciting and happy time for our family, it was also very bittersweet knowing we weren't preparing a room for her like we planned to. I told her about how we finally got her headstone designed and placed at the cemetery and that seeing it for the first time took my breath away.

I also opened up my copy of "Trying Again" and started reading through the chapter talking about the emotions and feelings of trying for another baby after a loss and the thoughts that go along with that. They had various quotes from different women and what they said rang so true. I feel every one of those emotions. I feel guilty, I feel fear and panic, I feel anxiety, I feel overwhelmed and terrified. I'll also feel extremely optimistic and full of joy the next minute. It's been a never ending roller coaster of emotions. It also talks about anger and how a person can feel angry knowing they're in this place again, with the stress of having to try, when if they had had a healthy pregnancy and the baby lived, they probably wouldn't be dealing with that stress again. Which is SO how I feel. I am so mad this happened. I am so mad that my baby died and now I'm left feeling this way for the rest of my life.

My head spins constantly with thoughts and my heart aches every second of every day.
It takes everything I have in me some days to even care about things. I figure what's the point in stressing? Life could be worse. The people I deal with on a daily basis at work and in my personal life and there are a lot of days I want to yell "YOU COULD BE MOURNING YOUR CHILD! YOU COULD HAVE HAD A CHILD DIE IN YOUR WOMB AND HAVE TO BURY THAT CHILD."

Each day is another day closer to the one year mark. It may be another 3 months away but it's already in my mind and I just don't want to face that day. That day was the worst day of my life and I just don't know how I'll make it through that day without losing my mind. It's been almost 9 months and there are days, moments like now, when the pain feels so fresh, like it just happened.

I have thoughts in my head about the spring and how I want to go to her grave and plant flowers and make it look beautiful there. That is a place where I can go and just get lost with my thoughts. I've found myself quite a few times just sitting there, running my fingers through the grass, the patch of earth that covers her casket, and just wishing this wasn't how it ended.

I had so many plans, so many hopes and dreams and all it took one was split second to change everything - to take all of that and shatter it. My plans changed - instead of dreaming about her homecoming and what life would be like raising my two girls, I'm planning what flowers to plant at her grave and planning for the weather to get nice so I can spend more time up there. So much was robbed from me, from my husband, from Addison and so many others in our family.

It's so hard to get my head out of this fog and focus.... but life goes on and even though I didn't want mine to after May 5th, 2009, it did and now I have to go face it.

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