"So...?"

Last night Addie spent the night at my Mom's. She usually spends one night a week there, so Grandma has her time with her. I went there after work to pick her up and I was chatting with my Mom for a few minutes and she looks at me and says "So...?" in that tone. You all know the tone, especially that tone from your Mom.

I looked at her and said "What?" and she said "So.... when are you going to have another baby?"

That question never irked me and bothered me quite like it does now.

It's not as easy as it was before. Before, at the thought of that question, I'd just laugh and say "I don't know. Never. Next week. I haven't decided."

After the worst day of my life, it's not easy to think of having another baby. It's not easy to remember the worst day of my life and think that something like that could ever happen again. I absolutely cannot relive that moment. No way, no how. That day almost killed me as it was and there's no guarantees it won't happen again.

Right now, we may be just letting whatever happen and even that terrifies me! I'm scared like you wouldn't believe at the very thought of that stick turning pink with two lines and in the very same thought, I'm terrified if it never does.

I got SO lucky having Addison. She is 100% perfect, 100% healthy. She was an ideal pregnancy and raising her has been the ultimate joy in my life. There is nothing I've done in my life that has ever given me the fulfillment that raising her has. We got so beyond lucky with having her turn out as perfect as she is. I often wonder if we shouldn't just count ourselves blessed with her and have her be the only child that is living and we're raising.  But then I think of how special and amazing she is and I know how much she'd LOVE having a little brother or sister to play with and I think of that child and I just know they'd be as wonderful and amazing as she is and I can't imagine not having another baby.

I don't know. I don't know.

I just don't know anymore.