Torture

My life since May 5th has been nothing but pure torture, sometimes pure agony. The ache in my heart comes and goes, the strength of it lessens at certain times and then other times it gets so intense, so hard to bare. Tonight I was going through pictures, organizing pictures of Addie into her albums and I came across a picture of Audrey's casket.

My mind immediately went back to that day, the hardest day of my life, the worst day of my life. The day my Doctor told me she was gone. The night I delivered her. The second worst day of my life, the day we buried our baby.

I stared at the picture for a few minutes before tucking it away but of course, never getting her out of my mind.

I have a folder of items and things I received after Audrey's passing, a folder I too tucked away and rarely look at. I just never feel strong enough to go to that place but tonight, it was all I could do. I haven't ran my fingers over her certificate of her prints in awhile but now, it's sitting right in front of my face and I keep looking at those tiny prints of her feet and her hands and the tears keep flowing from my eyes.

I made a decision the night we lost her not to see her or hold her. I can say with 100% certainty that I have lived a life with no regrets, until now. In the minutes and hours after I learned the news of her death, I was numb and just minutes after I delivered her, I still didn't believe this was really happening to me and when I was asked if I wanted to see her or hold her, I said no. I felt if I didn't then it didn't really happen and I wouldn't have to face the truth. Now, months down the road, I regret that decision with every ounce of my heart and body. I am her Mother and I should have held her. I should have kissed her tiny little body and whispered into her ear, knowing she couldn't hear me, and told her I love her and I never wanted anything more than to have my girls, growing together and watching them and enjoying those moments.

I have an envelope of memories, memories that will haunt me for the rest of my life. One day Addison will come across that folder and have questions and I'll have to answer her. I'll have to tell her the story of the day we found out her sister died, the night I delivered her and the day we buried her. I play that conversation over and over in my head all of the time. Addison knows about Audrey now and every once in awhile she makes comments in reference to her sister but at 3 years old I know she doesn't really grasp the idea of what happened, that her sister died and she'll never see her or play with her like anyone else she knows that has a sister.

So when you're standing on the edge waiting
to hear from
All the angels you hope
Will come to save you.
I can tell you all right now, they will never be
There for you and time waits for no one 

I haven't had a night like tonight, where I just sit and cry, in a long long time. There's been a lot of pregnancy announcements around me and even more babies being born and while I am happy for those that are enjoying this momentous time in their lives, it is never an easy thing to hear and it only strengthens that ache that I have.... the ache to have a baby to hold and the ache for the baby I should have had but never will.