Friday, August 28, 2009

38 weeks, 2 days

When I first got pregnant with Audrey, I added a cute little pregnancy ticker to my journal I have on another site. I did the same thing with Addie and I remember staring at it so impatiently, just waiting for the time when my ticker says "I should have arrived by now!"....

Only, now, I'm not anxiously staring at it. I removed it from my journal but I occasionally go back to see just how far along I'd be right now. Glutton for punishment? Yeah. Definitely.

Today's date says I would be 38 weeks and 2 days pregnant with only 12 days left before the arrival of my second bundle of joy.

Oh, how I wish that were true! When I look at that and see her due date is just 12 days away, it makes my stomach do flips, it makes my heart pound rapidly and it makes my eyes well with tears.

I'm so angry, I'm so sad, I'm so heart broken. My little girl, my baby should be arriving. I should have two daughters to hold and care for. Instead, my second little girl is lying in a casket buried in the cold ground, without her Mommy's arms to love and protect her.

There have been so many times since May 5th when I've thought about Audrey and just sat there stunned, finding it hard to grasp that this actually happened to me. I actually lost my baby. She actually died. She's never coming home. I'll never hold her during those late night fussy moments, I'll never rock her to sleep and whisper sweet lullabies in her ear, I'll never feel my heart swell with joy when I see Audrey and her big sister cuddling and laughing and playing together.

All of those moments were robbed from me. They were taken away and now I'm only left with the could've, should've, would've moments to go over and over in my head.

It's been almost 4 months since she died and I'm having better days. I laugh, I smile, I truly enjoy life at times but then there are days, moments much like now where I am left with a tremendous sadness in my heart, an ache that is always there but gets worse at certain times. The ache for the child I'll always love in my heart but never in my arms.

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