Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I will carry you

I Will Carry You

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
People say that I am brave but I’m not
Truth is I’m barely hanging on
But there’s a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this
So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen me
To carry you
Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says…
I’ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?
I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And I will praise the One Who’s chosen Me
To carry you

---

I found this song several months ago from my stillbirth support group site and I know I posted it here before but lately this song has been going through my mind a lot and with the Holidays coming up - it's on constant repeat.

I miss my baby girl so bad that it makes my heart ache and even though I don't understand why she had to die and I never will and I've had my moments where I've been so angry I couldn't breathe, I have to say what I am most thankful and grateful for this Holiday season was the chance to have had her in my life. It was very brief and it did not end the way I imagined it would, but for that brief period of time we were connected in the most special way a parent and child can connect - she was growing inside of me. I'm not saying Adam doesn't love her or any other member of our family but I feel like I had the strongest bond with her and that's why I know I have taken her loss the hardest.

I follow the artist's wife on twitter and she is such a genuinely sweet and caring person. She is pregnant again with their fifth child and she wrote a blog the other day about having a meltdown going through her maternity clothes she wore with her Audrey and all of the emotions she feels carrying another child and I find myself knowing I will feel much of the same way. Any other pregnancy I may have will never be the joyous occasion it should be  - it will be happy, at times, but most of the time I know I will be a certifiable wreck. Until that moment I am holding a live, breathing baby in my arms I won't rest easily and I won't be truly happy.

I don't know if I'll ever be the happy person I was before I lost Audrey. I don't think there is a way to be complete after you've lost a child but I am going to try my hardest. I am going to give it all I've got and hope for the best. I am always going to be afraid but I know if I ever want to hold a precious life in my arms again, I need to move past the hurt and sadness I feel over her death and pray she'll be with me and her little brother or sister and guide us until the end.

So, sweet baby girl.... I'm giving myself to you and I hope and pray you'll be there for me during my next pregnancy, whenever that may be. I also pray you'll be with me during the Holidays as I struggle with missing you. I miss you every day and I think of you constantly. There's not a day that goes by that you're not on my mind and not weighing on my heart. <3




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