Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I never....

I never heard you, but I hear you.
I never held you, but I feel you.
I never knew you, but I love you...

It's been six months now that Audrey has been gone. Exactly six months ago, life was just how I pictured it would be. I was expecting our second child, we were house hunting, things were amazing.

One split second changed it all. May 5th, 2009 was the day my whole world changed and my world in that split second of time it took the Doctor to tell me her heart was no longer beating was flipped upside down and broken into a million little pieces. I've managed to find a few pieces and put them back together but there's still many pieces I am struggling to find and I'm not sure if I'll ever put myself back together, no matter how much time passes.

I was driving to work and I was thinking about her (which is my usual routine on the way to work) and I was thinking how six months feels like an eternity and then in one split second - I got all panicky thinking that eventually the one year mark will come, two, three, four, five, etc... I am going to have to live the rest of my life without her. 

She's gone and there's no changing it. 

We may have another child some day, I don't know - but that child won't be her. She'll always be missing and my heart will always ache for her. 

I miss that new baby smell, I miss the way a newborn will curl up into a ball and just lay there on your chest for hours and I love their little coo's and giggles. 

My heart aches for that and I feel so empty inside when I think that I'd be experiencing all of that right now if she had lived. She'd be two months old now, maybe three if she came early like her big sister did. 

I've been reading some books that a good friend sent me (thank you - you know who you are!) and they have really opened my eyes and mind and have really given me a lot to think about the last few days. 

I seem to be a jumbled mess right now - I have so many thoughts going through my head and I can't even begin to sort them out to where they make sense.

I'm going to bed. Although I doubt I'll fall asleep, I can't seem to shut my mind off at all these days.

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