Saturday, September 25, 2010
Take Home Baby
We were told Thursday morning, after Owen's circumcision that we were free to go home once the hospital pediatrician signed off on him leaving. My Doc had done Owen's circ and was in the room fairly early that morning to get Owen and he was circumcised and back in the room by 11. The nurses all told me the hospital pediatrician usually came early in morning or right after lunch. So I expected we'd be going home around 1 pm at the latest.
I was so anxious to get out of there. I just wanted to get home, be with Addie and just be around my things.
Apparently the hospital doctor got stuck in a meeting and she ended up not coming to see Owen until almost 4pm! To say I was frustrated and annoyed was putting it mildly. When the Doc eventually saw him and came into our room to give him a clean bill of health, we were throwing all of our last minute stuff into bags and waiting for someone to come and transport us downstairs.
When they finally came to get us, I scooped Owen up in my arms and sat down in the wheelchair. I swear I had the biggest grin on my face and as we got closer and closer to the elevators, my eyes started to fill with tears. It was only 16 short months ago that we were in the same situation but with a very different outcome. To finally be taking our baby HOME and not leaving with empty arms, it was such an amazing feeling.
Adam commented to me later on how good it felt to be signing discharge papers and not arranging a funeral.
It was truly amazing to hold him in my arms and as we were wheeled through the hospital lobby to our car, tons of people commented and "ooh'd" and "awww'd" over him. One pregnant woman was walking in with someone I assumed to be her Mom, she had her boppy pillow and all of her things with her so I figured she was being sent in for her induction. She and her Mom looked over at Owen and I and her Mom smiled and commented to her "That's going to be you in a few days."
In the world of parents who have experienced a loss like a stillbirth, etc... if the parents eventually have another child, they're often referred to the "rainbow baby" and the "take home baby."
I tell ya, he's definitely been the rainbow at the end of a very dark storm for me.
I remember after Addie was born that I was sad that I wasn't pregnant anymore and I would often tell Adam that I couldn't wait to get pregnant again. I would often reach down and feel my empty tummy and feel sad that there was no longer a baby in there. I'd tell Adam that I felt empty inside. Not empty in an emotional way, just literally empty. When you share your body with another human being for 9 months and you feel their kicks, etc... it's amazing how quickly you get used to that and how long it takes to adjust to having your body back to yourself.
This time around, I feel SO relieved that I'm not pregnant anymore. I feel content and happy. I don't look at my body or reach down and feel my stomach and feel sad that Owen isn't inside of me anymore. I look down in my arms and I look at my beautiful miracle, my beautiful little boy, and I feel complete.
For the first time in a long time, I feel whole. Of course my heart will always ache for Audrey and I'll always wonder "why her?" but since life can never provide me those answers, I am learning to accept that and move forward.
She sent this beautiful little boy to me to give my heart that chance to heal, which is something I wasn't sure I'd ever feel again.
I finally feel excited for the future, excited for what's to come.
I have a beautiful family and I am so beyond blessed.
He is the best 3:30 am wake-up call - EVER!