Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Candlelight Vigil

Picture of myself at the Candlelight Vigil I attended for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day on 10/15/10

I look at that picture, I see myself standing there lighting a candle in honor of my daughter, my dead daughter, and I can't believe I ever lived through something so horrific, that I'm still living through this thing people call "grief." I don't think there is a proper word for the emotions and feelings associated with the loss of your baby.

I never thought I'd be where I am now. I remember thinking I'd always walk around with this huge weight on my heart and there will always be that weight there but now it's not quite as heavy.

This past month has been a huge wave of emotions for me. I look at my beautiful baby boy and I see his little smiles and when he looks into my eyes, my heart swells with love and I can't believe something so beautiful came from me. But then I also look at him and I think to myself that had last year never happened, had Audrey never died, he wouldn't be here. I look at him and I can't imagine not having him in my life but the reality is, had she never died, I'd be looking at her the way I look at him. I look at him and I think how different things were supposed to be. It's hard to put into words everything I feel when I look at my little boy. 

He's perfect in every way and he came to me when I needed him the most, but the hard reality is, had May 5th, 2009 never ended the way it did, I wouldn't be saying and feeling the things I am now. Life would be so much different..... I'll live the rest of my life always wondering and never knowing.

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