Wordless Wednesday

A beautiful picture made in honor of my Angel <3

Life After You

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughin' with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through

This week is going to be a tough week in my pregnancy and my stress level is on high alert right now. I am so thankful I have my doppler so I can at least ease my fears by hearing the baby's heart.

When I lost Audrey last May I had not yet known she was already gone some time before that. How I went all that time without knowing is something I still don't understand but according to the Doctor she was 18 weeks when she passed away and tomorrow will be the 18th week in my pregnancy with this baby.

I still haven't really felt this baby move yet either. I didn't feel Addison until about 19 weeks, almost 20, if I remember correctly. I've felt a few little flutters awhile ago but nothing really since then.

I just need to get through this and try to keep my sanity and tell myself "breathe in, breathe out." 

It's not as easy as it sounds when I stop and think what's about to be here in 11 days.

I keep trying to tell myself "you can do this, you can make it through her day" but in all reality, I don't know how I can. It's coming to the year mark, a whole year since the day that changed my life forever and I still feel the wounds like it was yesterday.

Take a minute

.... out of your day and visit this great site.

http://grieveoutloud.org/

With the first anniversary of my Angel's birthday/death coming soon, I find myself struggling with the emotions and I think grieveoutloud.org is a great voice for Mother's and Father's and other family members grieving the loss of a child gone too soon.

http://grieveoutloud.org/

16 weeks

I am now 16 weeks into my third pregnancy and it is safe to say, I'm still a nervous wreck. I don't think there is any way to prepare yourself mentally for this kind of roller coaster. For first time Mom's or even Mom's who never experienced a loss, it's a roller coaster for sure but then add the emotions and feelings of what it IS like to lose a child and it's intensified x 1000. 

I'm a nervous wreck every day and I try to tell myself to let go and enjoy this but it is so hard, especially since I'm getting closer and closer to the stage in my pregnancy with Audrey that we learned she was gone. May 5th is now less than a month away and I'm on pins and needles waiting for that day to come. 

There have been some issues that came up over the last week with this pregnancy and it has definitely had me more on edge than ever before. I started spotting and bleeding on Thursday the 1st (some cruel April Fools joke!) and it continued for a week. I was freaking out, thinking this was it and I was going to lose this baby too. After multiple visits to the Doctor we learned the baby is okay and there really is no explanation for the issues. I'm off work until the 19th so I can give my body the rest and relaxation it needs and deserves right now. 

I was going through some old entries in another journal I have and it hit me that exactly 1 year ago today I posted the last picture I'll ever have of my baby girl, the last ultrasound that I saw her alive. 

My Husband and I were talking the other day, shortly after this pregnancy issue began, and I told him that I am 100% certain I am done having kids. I just can't go through this anymore! I'm constantly on high alert, on edge and I can't even really take the time to enjoy this pregnancy because it seems like all I want to do is fast forward the next 24 weeks and get to the part where I hold my baby, alive, in my arms and take that huge sigh of relief that I've been bottling in since I discovered I was pregnant again. 

Tomorrow I go to my Doctor for the 16 week blood work and I am sure he'll use the Doppler so I can hear the baby's heart. That's such a sweet sound to me because I never heard Audrey's heart beat, the previous Doctor always did ultrasounds, and I never saw her heart beating again after April 11th, 2009.

I just want some answers

We are quickly approaching the one year anniversary of Audrey's death and delivery and I find myself, now more than ever, trying to find some answers as to why this happened, why she died. My new Doctor is incredible and is really putting forth a huge effort to obtain all of my medical records from the hospital and the Doctor who delivered her. They finally called me today with an update and after that conversation, I'm just left feeling so lost and confused.

I had never been through the agony of losing a child, let alone in the way I did, so I never knew what to do, what to ask, what to say. Now I often tell myself had I known then what I know now, I would have done SO much different. If only I could turn back time...

My new Doctor told me that the records were very hard to get in the first place and now that they have records, they only got partial records and it seems that the records don't all match up. For example: My Doctor who delivered Audrey says I was 21 weeks and yet the hospital says I was 24 weeks and then the papers on Audrey say she was only 18 weeks. I don't understand how there can be such a large difference.

Another thing that has me concerned is the fact that there was never any pathology reports done on her. Nothing. Nada. I just can't fathom how a healthy 22 year old woman loses a baby in the 5th month and they don't even do any testing to find out what caused it. I remember when Audrey was delivered, after I had made the painful decision not to see her, I asked the Doctor where they were taking her and he told me they were taking her to pathology. Now why would they take her there and NOT do any testing?!? I don't understand why, as a medical professional and a parent himself, he didn't pursue this harder, why he didn't do anything to give me an answer as to why I lost my baby.

The nurse at the office I spoke to today told me to ask for my records myself and to make sure I get all the records. I told her how I feel like there is something that is being hidden from me, like there was something wrong all along and the Doctor made the choice not to tell me. She told me she felt the same way at times but she didn't want to speculate and it would be easier to have all of the records so we could hopefully get to the bottom of this.

Just when you think you're doing better, dealing better, something always comes along and throws everything all out of whack again. I often find myself thinking how grateful I am for this new baby but then also I feel guilty because had Audrey lived, this baby wouldn't be a thought in my mind right now. Audrey would be just over 6 months now old and Adam and I had agreed after her, we were most likely done with kids. We decided now with this pregnancy that we are definitely done. I can't do another 9 months of being on constant high alert like I am now.

Something that did bring a little bit of comfort last night was that I finally had my first baby dream. My first dream where I could really see a baby, I held my baby and proudly showed him off to everyone. Yes, I said him. In my dream I had a beautiful, healthy baby boy and I named him Owen. It was so comforting to have that dream because I had them all the time with Addie and in my dreams with her, she was always a girl and I just knew that's what I was having. I never had dreams with Audrey and if I did, I could never see her nor tell what I was having. It was almost like it was my mind's way of telling me that she wasn't meant to be. I always struggled with picturing her as a part of our family in the physical sense of being around everyday and us caring for her.

I'm just a major mess in the head right now. This pregnancy already has my emotions out of whack and now this stuff with my records is just sending them into over drive.

♥ A true surprise

With both my oldest daughter and with Audrey their pregnancies were planned and mapped out. We planned what days were best to conceive, I monitored my cycle online to make sure I was regular, etc... after we lost Audrey, I knew if we ever became pregnant again that I didn't want to plan everything and check my cycle and all of that stuff. I just wanted to let whatever happen, happen....

Well, whatever was meant to happen did in fact happen.

I went for an appointment with my gynecologist on Wednesday the 17th and got the shock of a lifetime - I'm 8 weeks pregnant! We were not planning this and hadn't even really committed to letting whatever was meant to happen just happen. I had not been regular since November and by early January I had taken so many tests that turned up negative that I had resigned myself to the idea that I was not pregnant and my body was just being screwy. I went to the Doctor in mid-January and even HE told me I wasn't pregnant. Well, after another month of a no show period I went back and he told me I am pregnant. I am due 9.26.2010. Baby measured 8 weeks and had a strong heartbeat. So, everything is looking good.

I never knew how I'd react finding out I was pregnant again after losing Audrey. I wasn't sure if I'd be happy, sad, whatever.... When the Doctor told me, I was completely blind sided and it took me a good few minutes to catch my breath. When I told my Husband, I was thrilled beyond words and he even had the same shocked but happy expression I did.

I don't know what it was with Audrey's pregnancy but I always had an uneasy feeling, like something wasn't right and even though it did shock me when I heard she was gone, part of me expected that to happen. I can't explain the feeling... it was something that I just knew. I felt it from the beginning.

Since hearing the news of my pregnancy last week, I feel at ease. I feel hopeful. I've still had my moments where I've been scared and nervous but overall, I'm thrilled and I absolutely cannot wait for September. I can't wait to hold a live baby in my arms and leave the hospital with my baby and not with empty arms.

♥ Break even

I've used music a lot in my life this past year to show my emotions, to tell how I feel without having to try to sort out the mess of thoughts in my head. I heard this song the other day and it was another one of those songs.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even.

Her best days will be some of my worst,
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first,
While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Coz she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain,
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh.
'Coz you left me with no love, with no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break, no it don't
break, no it don't break even no.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces,
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, It don't break even, no

----

Adam gave me a card for V-Day and in it he wrote "This past year was the hardest of my life and I couldn't have made it through without you." 

That man has NO idea that he is my rock. He's what kept me from collapsing the second I found out our daughter was dead. When the Doctor told us, I asked for a few minutes alone with Adam and when I tried to get up from the table I got a little weak in the knees and I wrapped my arms around him, held him and cried "they're going to make me deliver this baby. I can't. I can't. I can't."  Then, the night she was born, he held my hand and wouldn't let go as he stood by my bedside and we cried when we learned our sweet baby that we never got a chance to know was in fact our sweet daughter. If I didn't have his hand there, holding mine and squeezing it with all the love we have for each other... well, I don't even want to think of it. On May 11th, just six days after we lost her, we had to bury her and during her service, I wrapped my arms around his waist, buried my head in the comfort of his arms and sobbed harder than I ever have in my whole life. He kept me from falling to ground. He held me up. 

I often complain about him and he drives crazy like no other but in that very same thought, he's my rock. He's literally held me up during the weakest moments of my life. He tells me I'm his strength but he has no idea that I wouldn't be nearly as strong as I am if I didn't have him.