Monday, August 3, 2009

3 months

3 months ago, I was still pregnant.

3 months ago I was completely unaware that the child inside of me was dead and I would not be giving birth to her in the way I had imagined I would be.

3 months ago today was the last day I was a pregnant Mother of two.

Now, I'm a Mother of two... but one of my babies is dead. One of my babies I can never kiss and hold and love like I should.

I'm having a really hard time with this today. I'm going to be honest when I say that all of the recent pregnancy announcements I've heard have really thrown a wrench into things too. I am happy for everyone, I truly am, but I am also envious, jealous, whatever you want to call it. I have a few good friends who have tried for so long to become Mother's and them realizing that dream is a miracle and I am so happy for them but I'm also sad. I know now know they felt whenever I announced both of my pregnancies and they were left wondering when they would get their miracle to hold.

I should be welcoming our second daughter into our family in just 5 weeks or so. If she came early like her big sister, I could've been expecting her to arrive in just 2 weeks or so.

All of the should've been situations are creeping into my mind big time.

I haven't been to Audrey's grave since June. I've been wanting to go but it's been hard with my schedule and whatnot. I plan to make time soon, I hope. It will be around 60 days or so before her stone is laid. I'm looking forward to it because I want the world to know my little girl existed but I'm also dreading it because it will make it even more real that she's really gone, she's really not coming back.

I want a baby so bad. My heart and my arms ache for one. I'm just not yet to the point where I can accept that any future babies I may have won't be Audrey. They never will be.

I don't even know what she looks like. I have a child that I never saw, that I never held. I hate myself for that. I regret it every single day of my life. I had a perfect image in my mind that I didn't want to ruin. At the time, I was scared. I was shocked. I was numb. Now, looking back on that day, I wish I would've asked to see her and hold her. She deserved that much and so did I. She may have already been dead but she is still my little girl and I should've held her close to my heart just like I did the first time I held her big sister.

I'm having better days but then the bad ones creep in and it takes everything I have in me to not let it crumble my heart and drop me to the ground in tears.

If I stay away from the pregnancy entries for awhile, please understand. I have moments where I am okay and I know I can handle reading it or whatever but then there are moments when it makes my heart ache too much. Just know I do wish everyone all the best with their pregnancies. I would never wish this pain and sadness on anyone, not even my worst enemy and most definitely not on some of the best people I know in this world.

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