Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Times Like These

it's times like these you learn to live again

it's times like these you give and give again

it's times like these you learn to love again

Last night I spoke with a customer in California on an escalated call (I was the supervisor) and he was explaining to me some situations with his bill and whatnot and then he apologized that his last bill was late and he told me his younger brother had committed suicide on the 4th and he had to leave immediately to go back home. I paused for a moment and I explained to him that I recently too had gone through a death in my family, trying to be as vague as possible, and he asked me if it was a brother or sister. I then replied "No, sir, it was my child." He gave me his condolences and I gave him mine for the loss of his brother and we chatted for a few more minutes after that. I ended the call by telling him "I'm going to tell you something I've heard many times since my daughter's death, the better days will come, sir. It may not seem like it now - but they will." He thanked me and again expressed his condolences before ending the call.

I was left feeling very sad and down after that. I immediately had Audrey on my mind and thought of her my whole 40 minute drive home... and then the Foo Fighter's song "Times Like These" came on and those lyrics at the top of my entry really spoke to me. I'm really having to learn to live a whole new way of life.

I'm learning to live again.

Before I lost Audrey, I didn't have a worry in the world. Things were amazing. I was content, happy, excited and eager for the future.

Then on May 5th, 2009 my world came crashing down around me. I can literally split my life into two times - the time before Audrey's death and the time after.

I'm not the same person I was before her death. Not even close. I know I never will be either and that's been a hard idea to grasp. I worry all the time now, I'm not content with my life like I was and I'm not eager for the future anymore. I am happy with the beautiful daughter I still have and my marriage is great. I love our new house and I love our little family but there's always that missing link, that missing piece and quite frankly, that piece has broken me. I'm a broken, shattered person inside. I hide much of what I really feel and what I really want to say because I know most people wouldn't know how to deal with the way I am now.

A part of me died the day I lost her. A part that I can never reclaim, never get back. There may come a day when I have another child, I don't know.... but that child will never fill the void that is empty, the part of my heart left broken and shattered because I lost my daughter.

A lot of people tell me we have plenty of time to make the decision if we do or don't want another baby and they're right - but to be honest, I'm tired of hearing that. I know I have plenty of time but the point is, a decision still has to be made. I felt a major desire for a baby last week and now this week, not so much. It constantly changes.

I've got so many thoughts spinning around in my head. Her due date is rapidly approaching....... and I'm scared.

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