Saturday, August 1, 2009

Just waiting now....

I mailed the check for the stone to the memorial home today. I don't know why but that just felt very strange. Everything feels strange these days! When I peed on those sticks in December and saw I was pregnant, I never envisioned it ending this way. Sadly, it did, and I am left to carry on and try to do my best.

I was asked by a lady at a yard sale today "When are you due?" I hesitated for a second before telling her I'm not. I just politely said I was but something happened and now I'm not. She didn't really say much after that. It's not like I expected her to or anything - that's an awkward thing to talk about. I love talking about her all day long but I know it makes other people feel weird so I guess I just leave it alone.

I have a counseling appointment on Tuesday morning. There's so much I want to talk about. I've had a hard time with the stone and basically the entire month of July was really hard on me. I hope August shapes up to be better. It's hard with each week passing, thinking I should be one more week closer to her arrival. She was due September 9th. When I had my first daughter, she was due September 12th and came early - on August 25th - so I expected something similar would happen with Audrey. It's so hard knowing I won't be going into labor and bringing my baby home. I miss her so much.

I am really enjoying having our new puppy, Copper, to take of. I'm nowhere near ready to have another baby and go through that yet so having him is like having a baby. He's up all hours of the night, up bright and early in the morning and constantly demands my attention. He fills my arms so that they aren't aching for a baby. I always have that ache and I am sure I will forever. I may have another baby someday, I may not. I don't know. I change my mind all the time when it comes to that. My Husband said he flip flops with the idea quite a bit too. We'll see.....

I don't know if this blog is finding anyone out there or not. If it has, if you too lost a child - I'm so very sorry. Remember, your child may have been stillborn but they were STILL born and they will always be your baby. You have a special kind of baby - your baby is your guardian angel. Not many people can say they have one that is so special to them!

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