Monday, August 10, 2009

Fever

My counselor told me to expect this to happen as my due date with Audrey came closer and closer. She said to expect myself wanting to be around babies, hold babies, care for babies, that sort of thing. Sure enough, it's hit. And HARD. My good friend Mandy, due one month before I was due with Audrey, had her son Bryant on Monday... my birthday... and from the very second I held him, that maternal instinct and that urge to have a baby of my own hit me hard.

It's been on my mind all day. It's all I could think about.

I want a baby so bad. That baby fever is there, full force.

Only problem........... I'm terrified.

Never in the time since I became a Mother or the idea of becoming a Mother entered into my life has the idea of having a baby scared me the way it does now. I always worried about the usual stuff, the pregnancy sicknesses and whatnot, how it would change my lifestyle, etc...

But now, after losing Audrey, there is a whole new level of terror added in. I cannot lose another baby. In any way, shape or form, I cannot. What did not kill me and destroy me with Audrey I am certain would do me in if I lost another baby.

I told Adam I want us both to get check-ups and see a genetic counselor for testing. I want to know what our odds and chances are of certain genetic disorders, etc. Most 23 & 25 year old couples should not have to be thinking of things like this when it comes to having babies.... but it's a very huge reality in our lives now. I couldn't have another child knowing my chances of a certain genetic disorder are so great that I could lose that child or leave them to live a life that would prohibit themfrom really living life. Ya know what I mean?

Adam told me when we lost Audrey that when/if the time came that I was ready to say the word and he'd be ready too. Now he's hesitant on the idea. I don't blame him, not at all. But I think his reasons are a little less to do with the emotional impact and a lot to do with how it fits into our lifestyle now with the job situation and babysitting situation. He said he knows we'd have worked an idea and a plan out if Audrey had lived but he still worries about it. Which is natural but then I also think it's a totally selfish idea to entertain. If Audrey would've lived we'd have worked it out, no questions asked. So why should we hold back on our dream of completing our family because of those things?

I asked him if he'd come see my counselor with me so we could discuss this together with her. I was shocked that he agreed to it. He's not really the kind of guy to go to a complete stranger and pour his heart out for advice. He rarely he even does that with me and I'm his own wife. It took us losing our daughter to really get him to open up to me like I've always wanted him to. I always get a lump in my throat when I want to approach him with a huge and life changing decision but I always get over those nerves and I tell him how I feel and I ask his thoughts.

I'm not mad at him for being scared. I know he's scared for the same reasons I am but I also know he's scared for other reasons, that to me, don't matter. I'd do anything and change any part of my life to have a baby.

I'm going to ask my sister-in-law if I can have my niece Kaylee over the weekend. That urge, that desire, that want, that need, that everything.... it's there. I want to care for a baby so bad. This idea, this thought of having another baby and trying again in a few months may pass and I may not want to but I know right now, I'm feeling it strongly.

I'm so conflicted.

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