How long?

How long will the flashbacks last?

How much time will pass before the events of that day and everything surrounding it doesn't hurt so much?

Will there ever be a time I don't think about it as much? I don't want to forget. She was my daughter and remembering her and the brief life she had is my great honor, but sometimes it is so exhausting to always think about it, and knowing I can't go back and change a thing.

It's been 19 and a half months since we heard the words no parents ever want to hear. We had to sit there in the exam room, full of hopes and dreams of the future, just to have them crushed with hearing "There's no heart beat."

How long will I replay those words over and over in my head? How long will I replay the words the nurses and hospital staff said to me as they were preparing my body to delivery my child - my child that had no life in her heart?

The first words I said after hearing those words were to my Husband. The Doctor left the room for a few minutes to give me time to compose myself before going to the hospital. Adam stood at the end of the exam table and helped me sit up and held me close to his chest. I buried my head into his shirt and started sobbing and yelling "They're going to make me deliver this baby. I can't. I can't. I can't."

I knew what stillbirth was and I knew what was about to happen. We had close friends while we lived in Oklahoma who suffered through the exact same thing at almost the exact same time in their pregnancy as mine. I knew what they went through and I saw glimpses of the pain they experienced. I just never thought that would be me. No one ever expects it to be them.... and then it was me. 

I was praying for a miracle. I was praying the whole time that the Doctor was wrong. I had a second ultrasound within minutes of his initial exam. He sent me to the hospital to confirm what he found and I was praying the whole time I was lying on the table, again, that he was wrong. He just missed her heart beat. She was okay and I was going to have a baby in a few months. When the tech helped me sit up and gathered my things and she said the words "I'm sorry," it was very obvious the Doctor was right. My baby was gone and I was powerless to stop it.

I've spent so much time praying, wishing, hoping that I'd wake up from what has felt like the longest and most horrific nightmare anyone could experience.

I spent so much time in the hours, days, weeks and months after asking "What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this?" I know I didn't do anything wrong and I know I didn't do anything to deserve this but my mind and my heart were in battle with each other.

So many friends, family and various people I've met throughout this journey have commented to me how strong I am, how proud they are at how well I've done since everything. I wish I could convey the words to them of what I really feel and what I really think. I don't feel strong at all. I feel like I've been on auto pilot since May 5th, 2009. 

I struggle so often with the unanswered questions. I struggle with the reality that I'll never have the answers to what caused her to die, why this happened, why me. No one sees or hears the inner struggle in my head and in my heart. It's a torture that only a parent who has lost a child can imagine.

I've accepted as much as one can accept that I'll never have the answers I want, the answers my heart aches for. I'll never say I'm moving on. There is no moving on from losing a child, but there is moving forward. I moved forward in a way I never thought I could. I had another child after my devastating loss. I have the world's most handsome and beautiful boy. He'll be three months old tomorrow and I guess what has brought this on, what has flooded my heart and my head with these feelings, is knowing his sister would be 15 months old right now if she had lived. She'd be celebrating her second Christmas and probably terrified at the idea of Santa, much like her big sister was at that age. These moments with my son are very bittersweet because I never expected to experience them after she died and they're very bittersweet because they're probably the last. My heart just can't go through another pregnancy again. I can't live with the fear and anxiety that ate at me every day until he was born. 

I've experienced true joy and happiness with my children and I've also experienced the worst heartache and darkness. 

I'm a very blessed but also very broken person.

Busy Month

The day after my last posting was my first day back to work after having my son.

It was such an incredibly emotional day for me. I was nervous about leaving him, being away from him for the first real amount of time since he was born, really in the last 9 months if you count the time he was growing inside of me. =) I knew he was in good capable hands with my Husband home to take care of him but it still didn't make the anxiety any easier. I was also really nervous about how Addison would handle the adjustment. She's very much a Mama's girl and she was super happy to have me home for 2.5 months. I really enjoyed doing the little things like getting her ready for school in the morning, taking her there and picking her up. I miss that already!

I was having such bad anxiety about going back to work that I made an appointment with my therapist the week before my return. I knew talking to her and getting a chance to unload everything would be a perfect thing to do. It definitely helped! I started seeing her about three weeks after Audrey's death, so she has really been there for me during this whole experience of losing her and of getting pregnant with my rainbow baby. She was super thrilled when she saw me walk into her office and she immediately asked me how the baby was, what I named him, etc. She really helped me to understand and process my feelings and fears of going back to work. It wasn't just a normal routine to work for most post-partum mothers. This had other fears and feelings attached to it. Much of it to do with the loss of Audrey. She brought up a very good point in saying that everything surrounding the birth and life of my son is more heightened to me now since I lost her. I take things more seriously and things have a different meaning to me now.

It's now been almost a month since my return back to work and I'm happy to say I'm adjusting a lot better to being away. I still miss him and Addison like crazy and I stare at their pictures on my desk all day long but I think it does help to be out and away for a little while. It gives me some adult interaction and it also makes the time that I am home with them mean more and I do more to enjoy it.

Owen had his 2 month check-up on the 22nd of November. He's a happy and healthy baby! He weighed in at 13 lbs 9 oz and measured 23 inches long. He got his first set of vaccines and he took them like a champ. He even got cute spider man band-aids after. =)

I think about Audrey every day and I always think about what should've been, what I wish life was like now but I am starting to accept that I have to move forward with my life. I won't say move on because I firmly believe that one can never move on from the loss of their child but having Owen has taught me to accept that I have to live in the present and give my love to the children I am blessed to have with me. I will just have to hold onto the comfort that I will see my Angel again someday and the comfort of knowing she's never forgotten... she lives on in my heart, always and forever. I haven't been up to see her grave since August and I feel terrible about that. I want to make the time to get up there (it's almost an hour from where I live) but it's hard with a newborn and with the weather getting colder. I'm hoping once the spring comes and it's nicer that I'll be able to finally decorate it with flowers. I meant to this past spring but with everything with my pregnancy and just life in general, that all fell by the way side. I'm trying though. I really am.

One day at a time.... one minute at a time. That's all I can do.

A Different Child

I found this truly beautiful and inspiring poem in one of my book's and wanted to share it.

A Different Child

A different child,
People notice
There's a special glow around you.
You grow
surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father's eyes.

And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.
You'll understand
There was once another child
A different child
Who was in their  hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth.
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
And father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here
Because my mother tried again."

Adentures of Motherhood

Anyone who is on facebook has seen the status that talks about as Mothers we've been puked on, peed on, pooped on, etc... Until you become a Mother you can only read that and think "Ewww gross, why would anyone want to willingly subject themselves to that??" I know I thought the same thing before I became a Mom. I also thought there was no way I could handle puke, pee or poop without wanting to puke myself.

Now that I've been a Mother for the past four years I'm an old pro at this stuff. I can handle accidents of both the pee and poop nature.... and puke? Been there and done that. I've had my carpets and my bed thrown up on more times than I can count. I've even been puked on multiple times as the Mother of a newborn. One memorable time stands out with Addison... We were at my in-laws for Christmas Eve, her first, when she was particularly fussy and cranky and just after polishing off a nice big bottle, she puked ALL over my hair and clothes. Thankfully my Mother-in-law and I were close in size so I cleaned up and changed into an outfit of hers. Not exactly what I wanted to have pictures taken in during my daughters first Christmas Eve, but hey, I'm a Mom. 

When Addison was just a day old or so I remember changing her diaper in the hospital and just as I was sliding my hand under her butt to position the diaper, she pooped in my hand. Every Mother remembers that newborn poop - the sludge black poop. Oh yeah, good times. 

Addison also had horrible spit-up problems in the beginning months of her life and I swear I didn't own a single shirt that hadn't been spit up on. I'm also 100% confident I even wore those shirts out in public not even realizing it had spit up on it and then by the time I did realize it, I didn't care.

Ah, the joys of Motherhood. 

I remember when I had Addison everyone telling me "be grateful she isn't a boy, they pee all over the place." I would just chuckle and laugh and think "it can't be that bad."

Fast forward four years and I now have my beautiful and amazing baby boy. In just 5 short weeks, he's peed on me more times than I can count. He even peed all over the bathroom at Portrait Innovations when getting his newborn pictures done. I set him down on the changing table and realized I forgot to grab the wipe. I had my arsenal of diaper changing supplies ready, all except the wipe. With one hand carefully positioned on him, I bent down to grab a wipe and in that split second I hear splashing hitting the floor. I look up to see my son spraying the Portrait Innovations bathroom. He has a fairly good reach too - it was hitting all the way near the sink and it trailed all the way to the changing table and up onto the table itself. I was stunned that a little baby boy could pee so much! 

Last night was another adventure in raising a boy for me. I'm quite surprised it took him this long to do it - Owen pooped on me. 

Well, first he started pooping in his tub. I've learned to multitask when it comes to bath time so while I'm washing him up, I'm also giving Addison a bath. I turned over to look at her as she's splashing away and pretending she's a water fountain and spraying water all over the wall of the tub and Owen starts to fuss. I look down to see a nice string of poop floating in his tub. It completely defeated the purpose of giving him a bath now that he was sitting in his own poop, but hey, what else could I do besides let him finish?

I waited several minutes thinking he was done and lifted him up to wash him off again real quick and I started to wrap him up in his towel and then I felt it - poop. All over my arm and all over the front of my shirt. Nice!

Thankfully my brother lives with us (this all happened while Adam was at work - one major disadvantage of second shift. I have zero help with the night time routines) so he came upstairs armed with wipes and took Owen into his room to clean him up while I tried to figure out a way to get my shirt off me without getting poop everywhere. Fun times, for sure!

My brother found this to be particularly amusing and I'm sure a tad bit disgusting too. I just laughed it off and told him, "When you become a parent, bodily functions of any kind don't gross you out.  You get used to it."

It's never a dull day in the Davis household and never a dull day as a Mother, that's for sure.

One of my dear friends commented on what I wrote on my twitter about Owen pooping on me and how, even in spite of that, I love that little boy with my whole heart. She wrote "You know it is love when poop is involved & you don't care. ;)"

Isn't that the truth?

Candlelight Vigil

Picture of myself at the Candlelight Vigil I attended for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day on 10/15/10

I look at that picture, I see myself standing there lighting a candle in honor of my daughter, my dead daughter, and I can't believe I ever lived through something so horrific, that I'm still living through this thing people call "grief." I don't think there is a proper word for the emotions and feelings associated with the loss of your baby.

I never thought I'd be where I am now. I remember thinking I'd always walk around with this huge weight on my heart and there will always be that weight there but now it's not quite as heavy.

This past month has been a huge wave of emotions for me. I look at my beautiful baby boy and I see his little smiles and when he looks into my eyes, my heart swells with love and I can't believe something so beautiful came from me. But then I also look at him and I think to myself that had last year never happened, had Audrey never died, he wouldn't be here. I look at him and I can't imagine not having him in my life but the reality is, had she never died, I'd be looking at her the way I look at him. I look at him and I think how different things were supposed to be. It's hard to put into words everything I feel when I look at my little boy. 

He's perfect in every way and he came to me when I needed him the most, but the hard reality is, had May 5th, 2009 never ended the way it did, I wouldn't be saying and feeling the things I am now. Life would be so much different..... I'll live the rest of my life always wondering and never knowing.

I remember

Yesterday I had the great honor of being able to attend a Candlelight Vigil in remembrance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day and my beautiful Angel, Audrey.

A year and a half ago I found the site www.dailystrength.com when I was having one of my many sleepless nights and I joined a Stillbirth support group. It was there that I met Sherri Horvat. She lost her daughter, Gianna, just a few weeks before I lost Audrey. She was a major help to me in those first few days and weeks after our loss.

With her amazing strength and courage she went on to found Gianna's Light. An organization she put together in honor of her Angel. It is her way of shedding Gianna's Light on the world and bringing attention to a much thought of but less talked about subject - Pregnancy and Infant Loss.

Yesterday was the second annual Candlelight Vigil and one of our local news stations was there to film a segment. They interviewed Sherri and also asked to interview me. You can watch the video here:

http://www.wkbn.com/content/news/local/story/Candlelight-Vigil-Held-for-Lost-Pregnancies/j1Alc4KTUk2vH_fENHol8w.cspx

I was so nervous to be interviewed - I've never been on tv before. :) But, I was also so honored to get the chance to bring attention to this special event and hopefully it helps another Mother feel less alone.

<3

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

At 7 pm please light a candle in remembrance of all babies gone too soon, all babies who never had the chance to go home with their families, all babies who left their families with a hole in their hearts that can never be filled.

Tonight I am snuggling a beautiful baby boy and as I look down at him lying on my chest, I can hear his little breaths and I can smell that sweet baby smell and my heart just swells with love, with pride.

Sadly, not too long ago, there was a time when my heart felt the exact opposite. On May 5th, 2009 I woke up that day full of excitement. You see - I was going to my OB for an ultrasound and my Husband and I were expecting we'd find out the sex of our baby.

I ended that night with a giant hole in my heart as I delivered my baby, my daughter, who was born without a beating heart.

She never had the chance to come home. She never had the chance to be surrounded by the love and affection her sweet little brother is right now.

So, in honor of her, please remember.

I love you so much Audrey. Thank you for bringing this amazing and precious little boy into my life. You knew I needed him and you brought him to me safely and now I know it is you who protects him and keeps him safe.

Words can never express my undying love for you.

Happy Ending

Our beautiful little boy is two weeks old now. We took the kids to Portrait Innovations yesterday and got some family pics done and a few newborn pics of our little man.

 When I look at him, my heart just swells with love and happiness. I waited so long for him! <3

 My beautiful babies

 My completed family. While we'll always grieve for Audrey and miss her, what we have now feels complete. I feel content and happy for the first time since Audrey died.

My smiley baby boy. I like to look at this pic and think he was seeing his Angel sister watching over him.

I took little man to the Doctor yesterday with some concerns I have because his eyes were excessively watering and developing "crust" when he sleeps. The Doctor told me he has clogged tear ducts. We have to wash his eyes off with a warm wash cloth several times a day. It should clear up within 6 months. I definitely hope it does. I don't want him to have it surgically repaired.

Adjusting to life with a newborn and a toddler has been easier than I expected. I think a lot of it is because Owen is such a happy and content baby. Seriously. He only fusses to be fed or when he is being changed. Other than that, he's truly happy and he just loves to be snuggled. He sleeps a lot better at night than his oldest sister ever did, which I have no complaints!! :) 

Overall, life is great. Life is wonderful and I feel so happy.

I feel like we finally got our happy ending.

Take Home Baby

We were told Thursday morning, after Owen's circumcision that we were free to go home once the hospital pediatrician signed off on him leaving. My Doc had done Owen's circ and was in the room fairly early that morning to get Owen and he was circumcised and back in the room by 11. The nurses all told me the hospital pediatrician usually came early in morning or right after lunch. So I expected we'd be going home around 1 pm at the latest.

I was so anxious to get out of there. I just wanted to get home, be with Addie and just be around my things. 

Apparently the hospital doctor got stuck in a meeting and she ended up not coming to see Owen until almost 4pm! To say I was frustrated and annoyed was putting it mildly. When the Doc eventually saw him and came into our room to give him a clean bill of health, we were throwing all of our last minute stuff into bags and waiting for someone to come and transport us downstairs.

When they finally came to get us, I scooped Owen up in my arms and sat down in the wheelchair. I swear I had the biggest grin on my face and as we got closer and closer to the elevators, my eyes started to fill with tears. It was only 16 short months ago that we were in the same situation but with a very different outcome. To finally be taking our baby HOME and not leaving with empty arms, it was such an amazing feeling. 

Adam commented to me later on how good it felt to be signing discharge papers and not arranging a funeral. 

It was truly amazing to hold him in my arms and as we were wheeled through the hospital lobby to our car, tons of people commented and "ooh'd" and "awww'd" over him. One pregnant woman was walking in with someone I assumed to be her Mom, she had her boppy pillow and all of her things with her so I figured she was being sent in for her induction. She and her Mom looked over at Owen and I and her Mom smiled and commented to her "That's going to be you in a few days."

In the world of parents who have experienced a loss like a stillbirth, etc... if the parents eventually have another child, they're often referred to the "rainbow baby" and the "take home baby."

I tell ya, he's definitely been the rainbow at the end of a very dark storm for me.

I remember after Addie was born that I was sad that I wasn't pregnant anymore and I would often tell Adam that I couldn't wait to get pregnant again. I would often reach down and feel my empty tummy and feel sad that there was no longer a baby in there. I'd tell Adam that I felt empty inside. Not empty in an emotional way, just literally empty. When you share your body with another human being for 9 months and you feel their kicks, etc... it's amazing how quickly you get used to that and how long it takes to adjust to having your body back to yourself. 

This time around, I feel SO relieved that I'm not pregnant anymore. I feel content and happy. I don't look at my body or reach down and feel my stomach and feel sad that Owen isn't inside of me anymore. I look down in my arms and I look at my beautiful miracle, my beautiful little boy, and I feel complete. 

For the first time in a long time, I feel whole. Of course my heart will always ache for Audrey and I'll always wonder "why her?" but since life can never provide me those answers, I am learning to accept that and move forward. 

She sent this beautiful little boy to me to give my heart that chance to heal, which is something I wasn't sure I'd ever feel again. 

I finally feel excited for the future, excited for what's to come. 

I have a beautiful family and I am so beyond blessed. 

He is the best 3:30 am wake-up call - EVER!

Owen Hunter

My beautiful rainbow baby, my handsome and amazing son was born on Tuesday September 21st, 2010. Born at 5:31 p.m., weighing 6 lbs 12 oz and measuring 20 3/4 inches long..

My heart has waited so long for him. I can't even describe the high I still feel knowing he's here, he's alive. I get to take him home. I don't have to leave the hospital with empty arms again.

To say I feel like my heart could explode with happiness is putting it mildly. 

There are NO words for this feeling.

39 weeks & Thank You!

WOW - My ticker really says 39 weeks. 

I'm really going to the hospital on Tuesday morning to be induced and I imagine before the day is over, I'll have a beautiful baby boy in my arms!!

This is so amazing and just so... unbelievable at times.

---

I wanted to take the time now to say a huge THANK YOU to all of you who have been there for me during this incredible journey. I honestly did not know if I'd ever be here again and to have had the support of so many wonderful people, it's amazing.

Whenever a woman becomes pregnant, you always imagine the end result being that you'll go to the hospital and give birth and take your beautiful baby home. You never imagine that one day you could wake up, go to the Doctor, and find out that baby you're carrying inside of you, that baby that you're so eagerly looking forward to, is dead. You always think "that kind of stuff happens to other people, not me."

I know I was that person up until May 4th, 2009. I woke up on May 5th, 2009 and my whole world had changed. I went to bed that night (or at least tried to) a completely different person, with this completely different world. 

I've had so many freak out moments and moments of sheer panic and one of the few things that held me together was knowing I had so many wonderful people there for me, cheering me on and offering me their love and support. 

I can't say enough how much each and every one of you mean to me. I wish there was a way to thank you all in person, but since I can't do that.... THANK YOU. I love you all!

Tuesday 9/21

Dear Audrey,

I miss you so much. I can't ever say that enough and nor can I ever express just how badly my heart aches for you. There's not been a day since May 5th, 2009 that I have not thought of you, not had a dream of what our life should be like now... You are the guiding light that has brought so many blessings into my life since the day my world crashed down around me.

This past February, when I learned I was pregnant with your little brother, I knew it was you who sent him into my life and I know it will be you who safely brings him into this world on Tuesday. The Doctor is choosing to induce Mommy because my blood pressure is getting high and he knows how scared Mommy is of something happening. I know it will be you who protects your little brother and safely brings him into Mommy and Daddy's waiting arms. I know it will be you who will be with me every step of the way through my labor and delivery. You are with me always, I know that.

When you died the hospital gave me this gorgeous Angel pin and I proudly have that displayed right above my rear view mirror in my car. I look at that pin every single time I'm in the car. I firmly believe that pin is my good luck charm. You've been there to safely guide me on my travels to work, etc... You've been there to protect your little brother as he travels along with me.

While you cannot physically be there to welcome him into this world with us, you'll be there in my heart as you always are. I also am bringing the little ceramic Angel that was on top of your casket with me as well. I want you to be included in this birth just as your big sister Addison will be included. You are not physically a part of our family as you should be, but we know you're always there, watching over us and keeping us safe.

I love you more than words can say. My heart will always ache for you and there will always be that piece of my heart that hurts over your death but, at the same time, I'm so glad I have you to be the Guardian Angel for our family.

Give us some extra special love and guidance on Tuesday. Mommy, Daddy and Addie will need it.

xoxo

Love you baby girl!

Love forever,

Mommy

9/9/09

September 9th, 2009 - that was the due date that came on the ultrasound screen when the Doctor did my confirmation ultrasound with Audrey. I thought that day would turn out to be my lucky day, but it looks like life had others plans.

September 9th, 2010 - I'm currently 37 and a half weeks pregnant with Audrey's little brother. I never imagined that 16 months after she died, and on her due date a year later, that I'd be where I am now. I've often thought and wondered during this whole pregnancy of the could've, should've, would've scenarios. Things could've been so much different than they are now, Audrey should've never died and had she lived, she would've been a year old now.

The day she died crushed so many hopes and dreams I had. It's taken a long time, a lot of tears, but I feel more hopeful for the future than I have in a very long time. The day she died took so many things away from me and broke so many pieces of my heart that I wasn't sure would ever get put back together again.

I'll never be the same person I was before she died, but this little boy inside of me has given me hope that I can become a better version of myself. Audrey's been the guiding light that has brought him into my life and brought us this far in my pregnancy. I pray she guides us through the remainder of my pregnancy and through a safe delivery.

I'll miss you and love you forever my sweet daughter. <3

♥ Last Box

It's amazing to look at the top of my blog page and see that I am on the last box in my pregnancy ticker! I am 35 weeks 6 days today, with 29 days (give or take) left until little man's arrival.

My nesting phase stared late with him. I'm just now washing his clothes and nursery bedding, etc. Hubby finally got his dresser together, so now I can really start on getting things put away and organized.

I had an appointment on Wednesday afternoon and the Doc said I am 2 cm already! If I remember correctly, I was about 2 cm or so at this point in my pregnancy with Addie too. She came at 37 weeks but that was only because of my blood pressure problems. I've had perfect blood pressure this time around and very minimal swelling, etc. I hate to even jinx myself and say that this pregnancy has been almost perfect. I had the bleeding problems in the beginning of the second trimester, but after that passed, it's been good. My main problem now is the extreme pelvic pain that I've been having lately. I had bad sciatic pain with Addie and now, this time around, it's the pelvic pain. My maternity leave is starting 2 weeks early because it hurts to even walk and getting up from a sitting to standing position - I hate the thought. I cringe at the pain and I cry almost daily.

Every time I think about the blessing of this baby and the fact that we are so close to bringing him home, I think of Audrey. I love my little boy so much and I am so blessed at how perfect he is, but I still feel this sadness that I never got this far in my pregnancy with Audrey. I never experienced this excitement and joy with her. Most of my pregnancy with her was anxiety, fear and the ultimate sadness of my life - her stillbirth on May 5th, 2009.

Addison is starting preschool on Monday the 30th and that makes me incredibly sad! She has grown up in the blink of an eye. A friend commented to me that it's so sweet how just as Addie in preparing to enter the world in a big way, Owen  is on his way to coming home. It's a special time in our family, that's for sure.

I'm finally starting to let my guard down and really believe this is real, but there is always that part in my mind that stops me and tells me to wait, there's still time for things to go wrong. I hate that I can't just shut my mind off and let myself enjoy this and truly live in the moment. I just can't fully let myself go until Owen is in my arms, alive.

Weaning

I feel like I am going crazy! I've been an emotional, bitchy basket case for days now. I know I can contribute part of that to being 34 weeks pregnant (holy crap!!) but the big part of it is weaning myself from my Zoloft. I've been on it since Audrey died, so over 15 months now. The Doctor wants me weaned off of it before Owen arrives so he's not suffering from withdraws when he's born. Makes sense and I know I need to come off of it - but wow, with the way it's making me feel weaning off of it, I wonder what I'll be like without it altogether.

Adam and I went and picked up Owen's dresser from Babies 'R Us this morning. That's the last major furniture item we needed for his nursery. Now we just need to get Adam a car seat for his car and we're good to go. We still have a few minor things to get but all I'm worried about are the major necessities to bring him home and we have those, so... the rest of the stuff I can pick up at the store between now and September.

I still have this huge fear well up in my throat every time we make a big purchase for Owen's nursery. I still have this fear, this unsettled feeling that we're doing all of this just to set ourselves up for another heart break. I'm absolutely 100 million percent terrified we won't bring him home from the hospital. I just cannot even fathom the idea of leaving the hospital with empty arms - again. I just can't. I have the highest of hopes that we're bringing him home but I can never fully erase that doubt and fear from my mind.

Adam has been talking about how excited he is and how he can't wait to hold him and just how excited he is to go through the labor and delivery process again. I feel the same way but my excitement is more contained than his. Right now, I feel like I just need to get this baby out of me and once he's alive and I can tell he's ok, then the real excitement and joy can hit me. I'm still very much in a panic mode. I'm trying to slow down and enjoy the moment but after losing Audrey, nothing is the same anymore. Nothing.

I saw this quote on a friends facebook and thought I'd share.

"Do not judge a bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing,but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity."

I think that just sums up every single day of my life for the last 15 1/2 months. I am here, existing, but a huge part of me will be elsewhere for the rest of my life and beyond.

Growing and Growing

As my stomach continues to stretch and get bigger (and a lot more uncomfortable) it reminds me that the little man inside is growing and growing! I am so blessed to be this far in my pregnancy and I thank my Angel for that every day. Thursday August 5th is the 15 month anniversary since Audrey's death. I live with reminders of her everyday, especially now with this little life inside of me. I know in my heart she blessed us with him. <3

Mr. Owen - he looks so much like my oldest. I often wonder what my Audrey would have looked like. 

Beautiful baby toes. I can't wait to snuggle him and touch those adorable toes.

All of that growing makes for one tired baby <3

I am now 32 weeks (Owen's ultrasounds pics were done at 31 weeks 5 days) and getting more and more anxious for his due date to come. I know that my heart cannot relax until he is in my arms, alive and breathing. That's when all of my worries and fears can melt away.

Going forward

Wow, I didn't even realize that I have been away from my blog for so long! A lot has been going on the last few weeks and it's hard to remember to breathe most days!

As you can see by my ticker above, I'm at 30 weeks 6 days today... entering my 31st week tomorrow with just 9 weeks left to go before Owen's arrival. It's safe to say I'm a nervous wreck STILL. We have the majority of his nursery ready, a stroller, a car seat, clothes, etc... I should be elated and beyond ecstatic that I have a little boy coming, and believe me I am, but I'm also terrified. I haven't removed any tags from his clothes yet and I've saved the receipts from all of our purchases. Call it the fear in the back of my mind that is stopping me from fulling letting myself go and truly enjoying this experience. I'm still so terrified that we'll leave the hospital, again, without a baby in our arms.

 That's what we have done of Mr. Owen's nursery so far. Hubby has some patch work to do in the painting (spots where it peeled from the wall.. ugh!) and we should be done and ready to put wall decorations up.

I had my 30 week appointment on the 19th and things were looking great with little man. His heartbeat is strong, my blood pressure is good and I gained 3 more lbs. I'm super happy my blood pressure is doing so well. When I was pregnant with his big sister, my oldest, I had bad blood pressure issues starting from 28 weeks on. She ended up arriving 3 weeks before her due date and due to the toxemia, she only weighed 4 lbs 14 oz. I'm more hopeful now that I'll carry Owen closer to term than I did with Addison.

Speaking of Miss Addison... that's another reason why I've been so busy! She's turning 4 next month and I've been getting ready for her birthday party. She has insisted on having a Penguins of Madagascar party ever since her 3rd birthday last year. Needless to say, finding the party supplies for that has been SUPER hard. I've managed to find invitations, balloons and a shirt - that's it. So, if anyone out in Blog world can help me find Penguins of Madagascar party decorations, I would <3 you forever!

I will try to get around here more often and update everyone. Even though it's been 14 months (now almost 15) I still miss my Audrey every day and I am so grateful she has blessed me with this new life, her little brother and I am so grateful she has kept him safe and alive inside of me. I know she's my guiding light during this and I am forever thankful to have her as my Guardian Angel.

A year later

It's so amazing how much can change in a year. At this time last year, I was writing entries about how angry and sad I was over the death of Audrey. I was writing entries how losing her felt like the end of my life as I knew it and how I'd never be the same person again.

I still believe those things to be true. I still believe that the day she died ended the life as I knew it then and come May 6th, 2009 a whole new world emerged. I still don't feel like the same person and I know I never will be. But a year later, I find myself filled with so much hope and so much love. I never imagined a year later I'd emerge from such a dark place and be this happy. In this moment, I'm more happy than words can describe.

I'm pregnant with a baby again, which is something I didn't expect would happen a year after her death and then to be pregnant with my SON, that's even more incredible to me. When we learned we were expecting again I immediately thought to myself "I want a boy." Not just for the reasons of giving Adam a son and having a son to carry on the family name but more because I wanted Audrey to be my last little girl. I wanted her to be my Angel daughter and my last daughter. I feel so much love for this baby and for Audrey because I know in my heart that since she knew she couldn't survive life outside of my body, she sacrificed her life to give life to her baby brother.

I watched the DVD that Babywaves made me last night (yes, I couldn't wait and yes, I'll watch it again lol) and I was watching him move, and watching his facial features and expression, and I was just so overcome with emotion. He looks perfect, he looks strong, he looks healthy. If I would've been given the choice to have a healthy baby and not know the sex at all, I could've waited but now I have the best of both worlds: I have a beautiful and healthy baby and I get to know the joy of expecting a son. 

I bought Owen a few outfits at the store already. What can I say? I'm an addict for baby clothes. I've heard a lot of people say that girls clothes are much cuter and while they do have an adorable selection, I was still going crazy over the little boy outfits. I bought him this sweater vest type outfit and unless something better comes up, I think we'll get his first pictures taken in that. 

Sitting here and making plans for the future feels so new to me. The day that we learned Audrey died, it felt like time stopped, like the future stopped and I was just left living in limbo. Slowly life started to resume again and thoughts of future children started to emerge but never in my wildest dreams did I imagine this would be my life just a year after she died. Having said that though, I wouldn't trade this experience for the world. I'm so in love with all three of my beautiful kids, my two beautiful girls and my adorable little boy. <3

 The tech originally thought Owen was in fact a girl... upon second look, we learned she was in fact a HE. :)

You can also see my sweet baby boy smiling at us. 

Owen also likes to flex his muscles for his Daddy. Isn't he perfect?!?

23 weeks

On Friday, at 22 weeks 5 days, I had my regularly scheduled appointment and ultrasound. The Doctor checked little one's measurements and they're all where they should be and little one weighs almost a pound. Looks perfectly healthy and was moving around quite a bit. Only problem is they were being stubborn and kept their little butt pressed against my navel the whole time and would not reveal their gender, so we're still clueless to whether we have an Owen or Alyssa joining our family in September. I was slightly disappointed and sad that we didn't find out (I have a severe shopping addiction for baby clothes lol) but as long as little one is healthy, that's the most important thing to me.

Right now though, I'd like to take a moment to ask anyone who comes across this blog to go to http://www.journey2babypeek.blogspot.com/ and leave any prayers, thoughts and condolences you may have for my friend Courtney and her husband Jason. Sadly, they are no strangers to loss. They lost their beautiful twin sons in January 2009 and today, lost their 3rd son, Wyatt. He is now with his big brothers in heaven and they're left with another void in their heart that can never be filled. Courtney was due 1 day after me and we had really bonded during this pregnancy because we both know the pain of losing another child. It breaks my heart that such a beautiful person, a beautiful son and a loving woman who wants nothing more than to be a mother to a child not in heaven, is experiencing such sadness and pain.

Thank you to anyone who comes across this and takes the time to read Courtney's blog. Now is the time when she needs comfort the most.

My Dear Audrey

My Dear Audrey,

                                        One year ago today, you left my body. One year ago today at the exact minute I am typing this I was lying in a hospital room preparing my body to deliver you, knowing you weren't alive and would never come home with Mommy and Daddy. I can't tell you enough how much I miss you and how sad I am. I feel like so much was robbed from you, from us and from the world.

                                         I want you to know that Mommy loves you like no one else ever will. I carried you inside of me until your little body couldn't fight anymore. It gives me great honor to have been the one carrying you until your death. I've said in the past that I often wish that since you were meant to die that I never would have gotten pregnant with you and I want to say right now that I am so sorry for ever saying that. I wouldn't change one single thing. If I would have known from the day your Dad and I conceived you that you'd die and never make it to life outside of my body I would've carried you anyways. From the second I saw your heart flicker on the ultrasound screen at just 5 weeks into my pregnancy I knew you were a growing life and I wouldn't do anything to harm you. I want you to know that I love you so much and even though my heart is shattered and I feel like the person I used to be is broken and lost, none of that is your fault. I never wanted you to suffer and if I were given the choice to have you die inside of me where you were safe or to die outside of my body, hooked up to machines and whatever else, I would've wanted you to die comfortably inside of me. At least I knew you were safe and nothing was causing you anymore pain.

                                       Your big sister Addison talks about you all the time. She tells everyone, so proudly, "Audrey is my sister." She often tells me she misses you and wishes you never had to die. It breaks my heart that you're missing out on the wonderful big sister that she is and would've been to you. I am sure that like any siblings that you two would have had your moments and arguments but I also know that you two would have been the very best of friends and Addison would've protected you so fiercely. She's a very passionate and wild little girl and you would've loved her silly personality. I hate that you're missing out on the experience of having a sister and I hate that Addison is missing out on that too.

                                       I also want to say thank you for the gift of the life you've blessed me with right now. I don't know yet if this baby is going to be your little brother or sister but what I do hope is that you find a way to bless this baby and give them a little piece of you to carry on into this world. Mommy and Daddy never wanted to replace you and it's never felt that way during this pregnancy. I know that you decided to bless us with another baby because you knew how sad we are that you're not here and you wanted to give us something to help heal our broken hearts. Mommy and Daddy love you so much and on this day, your very first birthday in Heaven, I wanted to tell you how grateful we are that you're our daughter. Mommy will always regret the decision she made not to see you or hold you and I want to tell you I'm sorry. At the time I was just so scared and terrified. I wanted to keep the vision of you as a sweet and peaceful sleeping baby in my mind. If I could change things and go back in time that would be the only thing I'd change about losing you. I'm so sorry and I hope you know that even in spite of that, you are still my daughter and I love you just as much as I love your big sister and little brother or sister.

                We love you Always and Forever,

                                     Mommy

Wordless Wednesday

A beautiful picture made in honor of my Angel <3

Life After You

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughin' with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through

This week is going to be a tough week in my pregnancy and my stress level is on high alert right now. I am so thankful I have my doppler so I can at least ease my fears by hearing the baby's heart.

When I lost Audrey last May I had not yet known she was already gone some time before that. How I went all that time without knowing is something I still don't understand but according to the Doctor she was 18 weeks when she passed away and tomorrow will be the 18th week in my pregnancy with this baby.

I still haven't really felt this baby move yet either. I didn't feel Addison until about 19 weeks, almost 20, if I remember correctly. I've felt a few little flutters awhile ago but nothing really since then.

I just need to get through this and try to keep my sanity and tell myself "breathe in, breathe out." 

It's not as easy as it sounds when I stop and think what's about to be here in 11 days.

I keep trying to tell myself "you can do this, you can make it through her day" but in all reality, I don't know how I can. It's coming to the year mark, a whole year since the day that changed my life forever and I still feel the wounds like it was yesterday.

Take a minute

.... out of your day and visit this great site.

http://grieveoutloud.org/

With the first anniversary of my Angel's birthday/death coming soon, I find myself struggling with the emotions and I think grieveoutloud.org is a great voice for Mother's and Father's and other family members grieving the loss of a child gone too soon.

http://grieveoutloud.org/

16 weeks

I am now 16 weeks into my third pregnancy and it is safe to say, I'm still a nervous wreck. I don't think there is any way to prepare yourself mentally for this kind of roller coaster. For first time Mom's or even Mom's who never experienced a loss, it's a roller coaster for sure but then add the emotions and feelings of what it IS like to lose a child and it's intensified x 1000. 

I'm a nervous wreck every day and I try to tell myself to let go and enjoy this but it is so hard, especially since I'm getting closer and closer to the stage in my pregnancy with Audrey that we learned she was gone. May 5th is now less than a month away and I'm on pins and needles waiting for that day to come. 

There have been some issues that came up over the last week with this pregnancy and it has definitely had me more on edge than ever before. I started spotting and bleeding on Thursday the 1st (some cruel April Fools joke!) and it continued for a week. I was freaking out, thinking this was it and I was going to lose this baby too. After multiple visits to the Doctor we learned the baby is okay and there really is no explanation for the issues. I'm off work until the 19th so I can give my body the rest and relaxation it needs and deserves right now. 

I was going through some old entries in another journal I have and it hit me that exactly 1 year ago today I posted the last picture I'll ever have of my baby girl, the last ultrasound that I saw her alive. 

My Husband and I were talking the other day, shortly after this pregnancy issue began, and I told him that I am 100% certain I am done having kids. I just can't go through this anymore! I'm constantly on high alert, on edge and I can't even really take the time to enjoy this pregnancy because it seems like all I want to do is fast forward the next 24 weeks and get to the part where I hold my baby, alive, in my arms and take that huge sigh of relief that I've been bottling in since I discovered I was pregnant again. 

Tomorrow I go to my Doctor for the 16 week blood work and I am sure he'll use the Doppler so I can hear the baby's heart. That's such a sweet sound to me because I never heard Audrey's heart beat, the previous Doctor always did ultrasounds, and I never saw her heart beating again after April 11th, 2009.

I just want some answers

We are quickly approaching the one year anniversary of Audrey's death and delivery and I find myself, now more than ever, trying to find some answers as to why this happened, why she died. My new Doctor is incredible and is really putting forth a huge effort to obtain all of my medical records from the hospital and the Doctor who delivered her. They finally called me today with an update and after that conversation, I'm just left feeling so lost and confused.

I had never been through the agony of losing a child, let alone in the way I did, so I never knew what to do, what to ask, what to say. Now I often tell myself had I known then what I know now, I would have done SO much different. If only I could turn back time...

My new Doctor told me that the records were very hard to get in the first place and now that they have records, they only got partial records and it seems that the records don't all match up. For example: My Doctor who delivered Audrey says I was 21 weeks and yet the hospital says I was 24 weeks and then the papers on Audrey say she was only 18 weeks. I don't understand how there can be such a large difference.

Another thing that has me concerned is the fact that there was never any pathology reports done on her. Nothing. Nada. I just can't fathom how a healthy 22 year old woman loses a baby in the 5th month and they don't even do any testing to find out what caused it. I remember when Audrey was delivered, after I had made the painful decision not to see her, I asked the Doctor where they were taking her and he told me they were taking her to pathology. Now why would they take her there and NOT do any testing?!? I don't understand why, as a medical professional and a parent himself, he didn't pursue this harder, why he didn't do anything to give me an answer as to why I lost my baby.

The nurse at the office I spoke to today told me to ask for my records myself and to make sure I get all the records. I told her how I feel like there is something that is being hidden from me, like there was something wrong all along and the Doctor made the choice not to tell me. She told me she felt the same way at times but she didn't want to speculate and it would be easier to have all of the records so we could hopefully get to the bottom of this.

Just when you think you're doing better, dealing better, something always comes along and throws everything all out of whack again. I often find myself thinking how grateful I am for this new baby but then also I feel guilty because had Audrey lived, this baby wouldn't be a thought in my mind right now. Audrey would be just over 6 months now old and Adam and I had agreed after her, we were most likely done with kids. We decided now with this pregnancy that we are definitely done. I can't do another 9 months of being on constant high alert like I am now.

Something that did bring a little bit of comfort last night was that I finally had my first baby dream. My first dream where I could really see a baby, I held my baby and proudly showed him off to everyone. Yes, I said him. In my dream I had a beautiful, healthy baby boy and I named him Owen. It was so comforting to have that dream because I had them all the time with Addie and in my dreams with her, she was always a girl and I just knew that's what I was having. I never had dreams with Audrey and if I did, I could never see her nor tell what I was having. It was almost like it was my mind's way of telling me that she wasn't meant to be. I always struggled with picturing her as a part of our family in the physical sense of being around everyday and us caring for her.

I'm just a major mess in the head right now. This pregnancy already has my emotions out of whack and now this stuff with my records is just sending them into over drive.

♥ A true surprise

With both my oldest daughter and with Audrey their pregnancies were planned and mapped out. We planned what days were best to conceive, I monitored my cycle online to make sure I was regular, etc... after we lost Audrey, I knew if we ever became pregnant again that I didn't want to plan everything and check my cycle and all of that stuff. I just wanted to let whatever happen, happen....

Well, whatever was meant to happen did in fact happen.

I went for an appointment with my gynecologist on Wednesday the 17th and got the shock of a lifetime - I'm 8 weeks pregnant! We were not planning this and hadn't even really committed to letting whatever was meant to happen just happen. I had not been regular since November and by early January I had taken so many tests that turned up negative that I had resigned myself to the idea that I was not pregnant and my body was just being screwy. I went to the Doctor in mid-January and even HE told me I wasn't pregnant. Well, after another month of a no show period I went back and he told me I am pregnant. I am due 9.26.2010. Baby measured 8 weeks and had a strong heartbeat. So, everything is looking good.

I never knew how I'd react finding out I was pregnant again after losing Audrey. I wasn't sure if I'd be happy, sad, whatever.... When the Doctor told me, I was completely blind sided and it took me a good few minutes to catch my breath. When I told my Husband, I was thrilled beyond words and he even had the same shocked but happy expression I did.

I don't know what it was with Audrey's pregnancy but I always had an uneasy feeling, like something wasn't right and even though it did shock me when I heard she was gone, part of me expected that to happen. I can't explain the feeling... it was something that I just knew. I felt it from the beginning.

Since hearing the news of my pregnancy last week, I feel at ease. I feel hopeful. I've still had my moments where I've been scared and nervous but overall, I'm thrilled and I absolutely cannot wait for September. I can't wait to hold a live baby in my arms and leave the hospital with my baby and not with empty arms.

♥ Break even

I've used music a lot in my life this past year to show my emotions, to tell how I feel without having to try to sort out the mess of thoughts in my head. I heard this song the other day and it was another one of those songs.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even.

Her best days will be some of my worst,
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first,
While I'm wide awake, she's no trouble sleeping,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Coz she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks
no it don't break even, even no.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain,
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains, oh.
'Coz you left me with no love, with no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing,
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in,
'Coz I got time while she got freedom,
'Coz when a heart breaks
no it don't break, no it don't
break, no it don't break even no.

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces, yeah
I'm falling to pieces,
(One still in love
while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces,
(Cuz when a heart breaks
no it don't break even)

Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, It don't break even, no

----

Adam gave me a card for V-Day and in it he wrote "This past year was the hardest of my life and I couldn't have made it through without you." 

That man has NO idea that he is my rock. He's what kept me from collapsing the second I found out our daughter was dead. When the Doctor told us, I asked for a few minutes alone with Adam and when I tried to get up from the table I got a little weak in the knees and I wrapped my arms around him, held him and cried "they're going to make me deliver this baby. I can't. I can't. I can't."  Then, the night she was born, he held my hand and wouldn't let go as he stood by my bedside and we cried when we learned our sweet baby that we never got a chance to know was in fact our sweet daughter. If I didn't have his hand there, holding mine and squeezing it with all the love we have for each other... well, I don't even want to think of it. On May 11th, just six days after we lost her, we had to bury her and during her service, I wrapped my arms around his waist, buried my head in the comfort of his arms and sobbed harder than I ever have in my whole life. He kept me from falling to ground. He held me up. 

I often complain about him and he drives crazy like no other but in that very same thought, he's my rock. He's literally held me up during the weakest moments of my life. He tells me I'm his strength but he has no idea that I wouldn't be nearly as strong as I am if I didn't have him.

Stillbirth on The Doctors

Dear Stillbirth Mommies & Friends,

The suggestion of Stillbirth Research & Education has been submitted for a segment on the NBC program The Doctor’s.

Now we need your help!

The most popular segments are selected for production – please go to the website below and vote for this suggestion. Ask your friends to vote frequently and get the word out. This would be a tremendous opportunity to gain the awareness that we need. PLEASE put the voting information on your respective websites. Copy this message and send to everyone in your address books.

Go to: www.thedoctorstv.com/produce/vote –

 

look for the following submission. It is categorized under Women’s Health.


Stillbirth – Stop the Madness!


http://www.thedoctorstv.com/produce/vote

A private journal

Shortly after Audrey died, a friend of mine mailed me a journal and told me to use that any time I needed to pour my heart out and to use it for somewhere to collect the many thoughts flowing through my head. I've always been so much better at pouring my heart out on paper (or on the internet) than I have verbally.
I used to write every now and again after she died and a lot in the beginning and then as time has gone by, and my days have gotten a little easier to live through, it's been a long time since I wrote.

So, last night I took the time to sit down with my little girl and pour my heart out to her again. I told her about all of the events that have happened in our lives since she died, all of the moments she missed out on. I told her about how we moved into the house and while it was a very exciting and happy time for our family, it was also very bittersweet knowing we weren't preparing a room for her like we planned to. I told her about how we finally got her headstone designed and placed at the cemetery and that seeing it for the first time took my breath away.

I also opened up my copy of "Trying Again" and started reading through the chapter talking about the emotions and feelings of trying for another baby after a loss and the thoughts that go along with that. They had various quotes from different women and what they said rang so true. I feel every one of those emotions. I feel guilty, I feel fear and panic, I feel anxiety, I feel overwhelmed and terrified. I'll also feel extremely optimistic and full of joy the next minute. It's been a never ending roller coaster of emotions. It also talks about anger and how a person can feel angry knowing they're in this place again, with the stress of having to try, when if they had had a healthy pregnancy and the baby lived, they probably wouldn't be dealing with that stress again. Which is SO how I feel. I am so mad this happened. I am so mad that my baby died and now I'm left feeling this way for the rest of my life.

My head spins constantly with thoughts and my heart aches every second of every day.
It takes everything I have in me some days to even care about things. I figure what's the point in stressing? Life could be worse. The people I deal with on a daily basis at work and in my personal life and there are a lot of days I want to yell "YOU COULD BE MOURNING YOUR CHILD! YOU COULD HAVE HAD A CHILD DIE IN YOUR WOMB AND HAVE TO BURY THAT CHILD."

Each day is another day closer to the one year mark. It may be another 3 months away but it's already in my mind and I just don't want to face that day. That day was the worst day of my life and I just don't know how I'll make it through that day without losing my mind. It's been almost 9 months and there are days, moments like now, when the pain feels so fresh, like it just happened.

I have thoughts in my head about the spring and how I want to go to her grave and plant flowers and make it look beautiful there. That is a place where I can go and just get lost with my thoughts. I've found myself quite a few times just sitting there, running my fingers through the grass, the patch of earth that covers her casket, and just wishing this wasn't how it ended.

I had so many plans, so many hopes and dreams and all it took one was split second to change everything - to take all of that and shatter it. My plans changed - instead of dreaming about her homecoming and what life would be like raising my two girls, I'm planning what flowers to plant at her grave and planning for the weather to get nice so I can spend more time up there. So much was robbed from me, from my husband, from Addison and so many others in our family.

It's so hard to get my head out of this fog and focus.... but life goes on and even though I didn't want mine to after May 5th, 2009, it did and now I have to go face it.

♥ Please vote!

http://apps.facebook.com/chasecommunitygiving/charities/7057

"So...?"

Last night Addie spent the night at my Mom's. She usually spends one night a week there, so Grandma has her time with her. I went there after work to pick her up and I was chatting with my Mom for a few minutes and she looks at me and says "So...?" in that tone. You all know the tone, especially that tone from your Mom.

I looked at her and said "What?" and she said "So.... when are you going to have another baby?"

That question never irked me and bothered me quite like it does now.

It's not as easy as it was before. Before, at the thought of that question, I'd just laugh and say "I don't know. Never. Next week. I haven't decided."

After the worst day of my life, it's not easy to think of having another baby. It's not easy to remember the worst day of my life and think that something like that could ever happen again. I absolutely cannot relive that moment. No way, no how. That day almost killed me as it was and there's no guarantees it won't happen again.

Right now, we may be just letting whatever happen and even that terrifies me! I'm scared like you wouldn't believe at the very thought of that stick turning pink with two lines and in the very same thought, I'm terrified if it never does.

I got SO lucky having Addison. She is 100% perfect, 100% healthy. She was an ideal pregnancy and raising her has been the ultimate joy in my life. There is nothing I've done in my life that has ever given me the fulfillment that raising her has. We got so beyond lucky with having her turn out as perfect as she is. I often wonder if we shouldn't just count ourselves blessed with her and have her be the only child that is living and we're raising.  But then I think of how special and amazing she is and I know how much she'd LOVE having a little brother or sister to play with and I think of that child and I just know they'd be as wonderful and amazing as she is and I can't imagine not having another baby.

I don't know. I don't know.

I just don't know anymore.

Torture

My life since May 5th has been nothing but pure torture, sometimes pure agony. The ache in my heart comes and goes, the strength of it lessens at certain times and then other times it gets so intense, so hard to bare. Tonight I was going through pictures, organizing pictures of Addie into her albums and I came across a picture of Audrey's casket.

My mind immediately went back to that day, the hardest day of my life, the worst day of my life. The day my Doctor told me she was gone. The night I delivered her. The second worst day of my life, the day we buried our baby.

I stared at the picture for a few minutes before tucking it away but of course, never getting her out of my mind.

I have a folder of items and things I received after Audrey's passing, a folder I too tucked away and rarely look at. I just never feel strong enough to go to that place but tonight, it was all I could do. I haven't ran my fingers over her certificate of her prints in awhile but now, it's sitting right in front of my face and I keep looking at those tiny prints of her feet and her hands and the tears keep flowing from my eyes.

I made a decision the night we lost her not to see her or hold her. I can say with 100% certainty that I have lived a life with no regrets, until now. In the minutes and hours after I learned the news of her death, I was numb and just minutes after I delivered her, I still didn't believe this was really happening to me and when I was asked if I wanted to see her or hold her, I said no. I felt if I didn't then it didn't really happen and I wouldn't have to face the truth. Now, months down the road, I regret that decision with every ounce of my heart and body. I am her Mother and I should have held her. I should have kissed her tiny little body and whispered into her ear, knowing she couldn't hear me, and told her I love her and I never wanted anything more than to have my girls, growing together and watching them and enjoying those moments.

I have an envelope of memories, memories that will haunt me for the rest of my life. One day Addison will come across that folder and have questions and I'll have to answer her. I'll have to tell her the story of the day we found out her sister died, the night I delivered her and the day we buried her. I play that conversation over and over in my head all of the time. Addison knows about Audrey now and every once in awhile she makes comments in reference to her sister but at 3 years old I know she doesn't really grasp the idea of what happened, that her sister died and she'll never see her or play with her like anyone else she knows that has a sister.

So when you're standing on the edge waiting
to hear from
All the angels you hope
Will come to save you.
I can tell you all right now, they will never be
There for you and time waits for no one 

I haven't had a night like tonight, where I just sit and cry, in a long long time. There's been a lot of pregnancy announcements around me and even more babies being born and while I am happy for those that are enjoying this momentous time in their lives, it is never an easy thing to hear and it only strengthens that ache that I have.... the ache to have a baby to hold and the ache for the baby I should have had but never will.